From the moment I entered the office, I had a feeling I wasn’t alone. I crept into the kitchen and turned on the light, but there was nobody there. The only observable company were the glasses from last night, still standing by the sink.
As I approached the bedroom door, I noticed it was slightly ajar. I eased it open and slid through. My arm stretched. My fingers reached out, probing. I felt the cold touch of plastic, and with a flick of my fingers, the room was bathed in light. Then I saw my guest.
A couple of legs were draped over the end of the bed—a couple of long, sleek legs that did not exist in isolation, but were merely the lower regions of a body that contained more perilous curves than a winding mountain road.
“I thought you’d never get back,” said Sally.
“Long day at the office, honey.” I took off my hat and put it on the table by the bed. She immediately grabbed it and placed it on her head. I grabbed it back and returned it to the table. She giggled.
“I hope you’re finished with your little game,” she said, “because I’ve got a few ideas for some games of my own.”
“Then I suppose I’d better go and find a board and some dice.”
“Those aren’t the kinds of games I’ve got in mind.”
“Then I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong place. I’m not much good when it comes to card games.”
Sally fluttered her eyelids. “Oh please don’t be like that. I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I’m prepared to make it all up to you.” She stood and walked over to me. She put her hands on my shoulders, and with a touch like silk she gently slid my coat off.
“Isn’t that better?” she breathed into my ear.
“Much better,” I agreed. “So where have you hidden your boys?”
“What do you mean?” she murmured.
“Your two policemen. Are they hiding in the cupboard? Or are they skulking in the shadows outside?”
“I came here alone. I just wanted to see you.”
“Sure you did. You just couldn’t wait for me to get my hands on you. And then what? Just one scream, and suddenly your boys are jumping on me and dragging me downtown for a rap that’s going to be a lot harder for me to squirm out of this time.”
She slapped me across the face. “Of all the nerve. No one has ever spoken to me like that. I’ve a good mind to—”
I never did find out what her mind was good for, because at that moment there was a knock on the office door. I pushed Sally onto the bed, hurried back to the office, and opened the door. Jessie stood there. She started to open her mouth, but before any words could come out, a voice rang out from the room beyond.
“Who is it, sweetheart?” Sally promenaded into the office, took one look at Jessie, and then, before I could stop her, wrapped herself around me and violently attached her lips to mine.
I brushed Sally aside, and just for a second my eyes met Jessie’s. Then Jessie was gone. I started after her, then stopped. I walked back into the office where Sally was now sitting in my chair, her legs resting on top of the desk.
“I’ve got to give you credit,” she laughed. “You’re a faster mover than I thought. Though I hardly would have expected that little sap to be the type to fall for you.”
“Get out,” I snarled. It wasn’t my most sophisticated riposte, but it seemed to neatly sum up everything I wanted to say. Not that it made much difference to her.
“Don’t think you can order me around. You’re a pathetic excuse for a detective. You couldn’t even solve a crossword puzzle.”
I didn’t try to order her around. Instead, I grabbed her by the waist and heaved her over my shoulder. Then I carried her out of the office and into the street. All the while, she screamed and struggled and pummeled her fists into my back.
“Put me down, you beast. Put me down.”
I acceded to her demand, allowing her to fall inelegantly to the ground. Immediately, she began to hurl a stream of abuse in my direction.
“You’re germ, Clarenden. You’re weed and a parasite. Filth like you doesn’t belong here. You’re a stain on the purity of Heaven.”
I walked away. Sally didn’t know it, but her wish was about to be granted. It was time for me to leave Heaven, at least for a while. I was now on the road to Hell.
Chapter 10
I HAD BARELY TRAVELLED a block from my office before my suspicions regarding the reason for Sally’s visit were confirmed. Two voices were approaching from behind me. Voices I had grown to know and love during my brief stay in Heaven.
Fortunately, giving Lizard Neck and Frying Pan the slip turned out to be as simple as taking broccoli from an eight-year-old. I made a quick left turn down a side street, doubled back and made a right turn down a second street, and ducked behind a large willow tree. Then I watched as the two of them went bumbling past, pulling on each other’s arms and insisting I had gone the other way.
When the sound of their squabbling had finally receded into the distance, I emerged from my hiding spot and continued my journey. It was still early in the evening, so there were a few people out in the street. As they strolled past, I couldn’t help noticing the beatific looks they bequeathed upon me, and the expressions of utter peace and contentment on their faces. At last, I began to understand what it was Jessie saw in this place. These people had lived their lives; they’d experienced their moments of happiness and pleasure, but they’d also had to work hard and suffer. Now, all of that was over, and they could enjoy a well-earned rest. Heaven catered everything they needed. Their time for worries was over.
At that moment, I realised why I could never fit into Heaven. I had no time to rest. I had a job to do, a case to solve. Unlike everybody else here, I still had plenty of worries.
As I approached that old grate in the wall, a chill ran down my spine. What would I find when I actually arrived in Hell? Could it possibly be as frightful as Jessie claimed? I tried to allay the sudden sense of dread by turning my mind to other things, such as the mess of mangled motives I had alliteratively constructed in my head.
Over the last couple of days, my wanderings through Heaven had revealed no shortage of possible suspects. It seemed that everybody I’d met had some sort of gripe with God’s supposedly mild-mannered son. Sure, some of them were less plausible than others. I had difficulty believing Peter could be the culprit. Even though Phil was responsible for turning him from God’s divine gatekeeper into an overstressed middle manager, he didn’t seem the type to act on his grudges. And besides, when would he have found the time?
Another suspect I was prepared to discount was Alby Stark. He might have professed a profound dislike for Phil, but then again he seemed to hate everyone else in Heaven just as much. In all my conversations with him, he’d never indicated an interest in anything beyond sitting around in a bar, getting sozzled on soda.
There was just the one name that blazed brightly above all others. Someone obsessed with keeping undesirables out of Heaven. Someone furious with Phil for allowing Alby to stay. Sally’s taunts, threats, and sinister midnight liaisons only served to confirm her position at number one on my hit parade of suspects. Everything about her behaviour matched exactly with the sort of person I was looking for. And everything everyone else said about her, from Peter’s complaints to Jessie’s warnings, put the finishing touches onto my suspicions.
Thinking about my companion from the previous night, I suddenly realised my personal feelings were well and truly interfering with my professional judgment. What of Jessie, a risen angel with a fear of falling? I had no valid reason for removing her from my suspect list. What better motive could there be than the dread of a possible return to Hell? I knew she was terrified of Sally, but could Phil also have represented a very real risk to her? If she could dispose of Phil while at the same time putting the blame onto Sally, she could remove both threats in one fair and blushing swoop.