“I guess it was bound to happen eventually. There’s only so long you can keep someone like Sally fooled.”
At the mention of Sally’s name, I couldn’t help thinking of my last encounter with Jessie. I’d had lipstick on my face and a semi-clothed Sally draped around me. Despite everything I’d said to Jessie, I had a horrible feeling she figured I was the one who had turned her in.
“Please trust me, Angel,” I said. “It wasn’t me.”
“It’s a little difficult for me to trust anyone at the moment.” Jessie sat down and buried her head in her hands.
“But you’ve got to believe me. I don’t know how Sally found out, but I promise you I didn’t tell her anything.”
She looked up again. “You don’t have to worry, I know it wasn’t you. It was actually an unfortunate accident that gave me away.”
“What happened?”
“My batteries went flat.” For a moment, Jessie looked almost embarrassed. Then she frowned again. “As for you and Sally, I guess that’s none of my business. I can see why a man like you would be attracted to someone like her.”
I started to laugh, but protests from my body stopped me mid-guffaw. “If you’d only stayed another minute, you would have been seen me pick Sally up and throw her out on the street.”
“You threw Sally out on the street?”
“Dumped her like a broker dumping stock in a bear market.”
Jessie almost smiled at that. “How did she take it?”
“Not well, I’m afraid. Apparently, as far as she’s concerned, I’m about as welcome in Heaven as the bubonic plague.”
“You’re right, I wish I had stayed to see it.” Jessie paused. The smile that had flirted with the idea of appearing on her face clearly thought the better of it. “You’re a brave man to take her on, but it looks like she’s not going to let you have the last laugh.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Isn’t it obvious? Just look at you.”
“So I got beat up by a local gang. It could have happened to anyone.”
“Come on, Jimmy, you’re not that naive. You don’t think this happened purely by chance.”
Jessie was right. Who was I kidding? This had definitely not been a random attack. Those thugs, whoever they were, knew exactly who they were targeting. And the fact that Sally had some serious connections within the underworld was as clear as a teenager’s skin wasn’t.
“Okay,” I said, “so Sally and the Devil are hatching something, but for what purpose? Sally seems pretty comfortable as it is. She’s got her mansion on the hill, and she’s got God practically eating out of her hands. What else could she possibly have to gain?”
“I don’t know,” said Jessie, “and to tell you the truth, I don’t want to know. I’m in enough trouble as it is, and I’m damned if I’m going to get embroiled any further.”
“Seems to me you’re already damned.”
“That’s not funny.”
“I’m sorry. I’m not usually at my funniest straight after I’ve been beaten up. I’m usually much funnier while they’re doing the beating.”
“I assume from that comment that you’re starting to feel a little better.”
“I feel well enough to eat a horse.”
“Then perhaps I can get you some breakfast?” She stood up and walked towards the door.
“Please do. But before you bring it out, can you do me one favour?”
Jessie stopped and turned to me. “What would you like?”
“Whatever you bring me, mash it up just a little. I think I’m going to have to drink it through a straw.”
Jessie chuckled and then disappeared through the door. While she was gone, I finally managed to sit up, and by the time she returned, I had made the momentous journey from the bed to one of the chairs.
Jessie placed a bowl on the table in front of me and handed me a spoon. I dipped the spoon into the thick brown sludge in the bowl, took a mouthful, and then spat it straight back out again. I’d never actually eaten mud before, but I was sure it would have tasted like nouvelle cuisine compared to what had just passed my lips.
“What in God’s name is this supposed to be?” I gasped.
“You don’t like cereal?”
“I didn’t realise ‘cereal’ was the word for toxic slime here in Hell.”
“That mediocre food up in Heaven isn’t looking quite so bad now, is it.”
“Come on,” I protested, “you can’t tell me there isn’t good food in Hell. I’ve seen some of the restaurants down here.”
“There’s plenty of good food in Hell,” Jessie agreed. “It’s just practically impossible to eat any of it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, first of all, you’ve got to be able to afford it. And secondly, even if by some chance you do manage to get enough money, you’ll probably find they’ve run out of the ingredients for the dish you want to order, or the chef has taken the day off, or they just don’t feel like cooking it.” Jessie paused and looked at me with a strange, cock-eyed grin. “But I shouldn’t have to tell you any of this. You’ve been in Hell for a while now. So, how are you enjoying it?”
I put the spoon down and pushed the bowl away. “When I first got here, I thought it was great. Here I was expecting fire and torment, but what did I find instead? Streets full of people. Bars and nightclubs playing music till the early hours.”
“But did you actually get into one of those nightclubs to hear some of the music?”
“No I didn’t. Well, I got into a club, but the band left the stage straight away.”
“Exactly,” said Jessie. “The band always takes a break whenever you go into a club. And they always come back just as you’re leaving. You never actually get to hear them play.”
“But what about all the people who were in the club when I arrived? They would have heard them play.”
“That’s right, the other people would have. Good stuff only ever happens to other people in Hell. When you go to the movies in Hell, the ticket office always sells out just as you reach the front of the queue. When you go into a bar, you always leave by yourself, even though everyone else seems to be leaving in pairs.”
“Come on,” I said. “I’ve had a bad night, but you still can’t convince me Hell is so terrible. With the attitude you’ve got at the moment, I’ll bet the Garden of Eden would look like a cesspit. By the way, I don’t suppose you’ve got a cigarette? Suddenly I’ve got a real craving.”
“It wouldn’t help if I did. The cigarettes in Hell don’t satisfy the craving. They only make it worse. But tell me something, Jimmy. Did you have that craving while you were up in Heaven?”
Of all the things that Jessie had said, this was the one that really floored me. She was absolutely right. Even when I’d thought about cadging a cigarette from God, it hadn’t been a pressing need. I hadn’t even been that upset when I’d found out He’d given them up.
Jessie must have noticed the sudden glint of madness in my eyes, because she gave me a knowing smirk. “It’s starting to hit home, isn’t it. You’re starting to see how Hell really is. Everything here goes wrong. Absolutely everything.”
“Hang on a minute,” I interjected. “Not everything went wrong. I not only succeeded in making an ally out of my old enemy Bully Malone, but I actually got a lot of information from him about . . . damn!”
“What’s the matter?”
“I wanted to get information about Sally and her connections here, but I completely forgot to ask.”
“No,” said Jessie with unexpected fierceness. “You didn’t forget. It’s just the way it works down here. As long as you’re in Hell, you’ll never be able to get what you want. Hell is constant craving and constant disappointment. In Hell, you can never be satisfied, no matter how hard you try. There’s never any time for rest or peace. You’re forever rushing around, desperately searching for the one thing you think will bring fulfillment. But even if you find it, it’s never enough. It never fills that burning, gaping hole inside your soul. That’s what it’s like here in Hell.”