“Compromised, but not irreparably. If we move quickly, we still may have a chance. But first I need more information. I believe that whoever is behind this plot is trying to set himself up in competition with the Devil. Do you have any idea who that might be? Can you think of anyone who could possibly want to muscle in on the Devil’s operations?”
“I don’t know,” God moaned.
“There must be an answer. Try to think.”
“I don’t know,” God repeated with a sudden petulance in His voice. “I’m so sick of all of this. All this power and responsibility. I’ve had enough.”
“You can’t really mean that.”
“Why not? You think it’s so great being God? Well, let me tell you, it’s no picnic. I’m stuck in this palace all day, which I don’t even like that much. I’d much prefer something simpler and smaller. But no, I’m God. I’m expected to project an atmosphere of grandeur and majesty. I’m supposed to sit on my throne and make all these grand proclamations that no one ever listens to anyway.”
“That’s not true,” I interjected. “People are constantly talking about your words.”
“How do you know they’re my words?”
“I guess I just assumed—”
“Exactly. You assumed you knew what I was saying. Everybody thinks they know more about my words than I do. You wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve supposedly said. But I’ll tell you one thing. As soon as people have got problems, who does everybody come running to? ‘Help us, oh Lord,’ and ‘save us, oh Lord.’ Well what about me? I’ve got problems too. Who am I supposed to pray to?”
I didn’t have an answer. I wasn’t sure it was a question that even had an answer. Then again, God was now on such a roll that even if I did have one, I don’t think He would have paid any attention to it anyway.
“Being God is a full time job, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, 100 years a century. I’ve never taken a holiday. Never had a chance to relax on a beach or take a tropical cruise or enjoy a walk in a rainforest or scuba dive in a coral reef or—”
Suddenly the door burst open and Gabriel came charging in. His face was whiter than a peroxided albino in a snowstorm.
“Excuse me, Master, for breaking in, but I’ve got awful news. Peter is gone!”
As God was no longer in any state to respond, I figured I’d better do the honours.
“What happened to him?”
“Nobody knows. He’s just disappeared.”
Gabriel had barely finished speaking before I was legging it out of the palace, leaving God to His self-pity, and racing to the Pearly Gates. My foes had made their next move. I only hoped I wasn’t too late.
* * *
Chaos reigned at the Pearly Gates. The queue had disintegrated, and everyone was making a mad dash towards the Gates, pushing and jostling like a herd of roller-skating wildebeest. But most alarming of all, nobody seemed able to stop them. Despite the efforts of a handful of red-uniformed inspectors, people were streaming past the booths and through the Gates. All procedures for verifying bona fides for entry into the Kingdom of God had been abandoned. The Gates of Heaven had been flung open to all comers.
As I observed this crazed inrush, its true impact hit me as if a hammer had struck a giant bell inside my head. More was going on here than just an attempt to take on the Devil. This was an assault on Heaven itself. I knew that I couldn’t salvage this situation alone. I grabbed hold of the nearest person and spun him around. Instantly, I discovered that I hadn’t made a bad choice. I’d made an absolutely appalling one.
“What’s happening here?” said Lizard Neck with a smirk. “Must be the criminal returning to the scene of the crime.”
“You always thought you were so smart,” sneered his frying-pan-faced sidekick, who as luck would have it was standing alongside him. “Well this time you made the biggest mistake of your life.”
Before I could move, Lizard Neck had me pinned to the ground, while Frying Pan was pulling my arms behind my back and sticking on the cuffs.
“You have to let me go!” I screamed. “You don’t understand what’s happening here.”
“Oh we don’t, do we?” said Lizard Neck. “Then perhaps you’ll be able to explain it to us through the bars of your cell.”
I yelled and swore and struggled with all my might, but against the two of them my resistance was futile. There was nothing I could do to stop myself from being trussed up and dragged away. But then another voice spoke.
“You don’t have to take him. Why don’t you leave him with me? I’ll look after him.”
We all turned. Standing right behind us was my old friend, the bellhop. I couldn’t help but recall every charming detail of him, from the arrogant tilt of his head to the intense stare of his green eyes and the feel of his rank breath on my face.
The cops looked at each other, clearly unsure about whether they’d be breaching any of their non-existent protocols.
“C’mon fellas,” said the bellhop. “I’m in charge of the Gates now. If anyone is responsible for dealing with Peter’s kidnapper, it should be me.”
That seemed good enough for the two cops. They mumbled something about it being close to bedtime and then disappeared.
I looked at the bellhop. It seemed like a longshot, but I didn’t think I’d have another chance.
“I know we didn’t get off to the best start, but you need to listen to me now. This situation is extremely urgent.”
The bellhop didn’t say anything. For a moment, he looked at me with a lopsided kind of grin. The next moment, his fist was on a collision course with my face.
Something had to give. It wasn’t going to be his fist.
Chapter 15
I OPENED MY EYES. IT WAS DARK. I was lying on a concrete floor. Fortunately, some kind soul had removed the handcuffs from my wrists. Unfortunately, that same soul had replaced them with a couple of lengths of rope, tied tightly around not only my wrists but also my ankles. I had all the mobility of a stuffed walrus.
“Awake at last,” said a voice, but it was a friendly voice. As my eyes began to adjust, I could dimly make out my companion. Although he was lashed up in a similar fashion, I recognised the beard at one end and the spindly legs at the other. It was Peter.
“Are you all right?” he said.
“I’ll live,” I replied.
“Ah Jimmy, always the joker,” Peter chuckled. “I can rely on you to cheer me up.”
I rolled across the floor so that I was closer to him.
“Listen to me, Peter. The time for jokes is well and truly gone. I need to know exactly what’s been happening. Can you tell me who brought you here?”
Peter made a strange twisting gesture with his shoulders that probably would have been a shrug if he hadn’t been tied up like a pig on a spit.
“I can’t tell you much. It all happened so quickly. I was in the middle of sorting out the paperwork after a food poisoning outbreak in Japan when a couple of masked men burst into my office and placed a wet cloth over my mouth. Next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor in this cold, dark room with a beast of a headache. And then you arrived.”
“So you’ve got no idea who these masked men were?”
“No idea. I couldn’t even start to describe them. I’ve also got no idea how they got into my office. Since the riots twenty years ago, we’ve operated under the tightest security.”
“I’ve got a pretty good idea how they got in. You remember when we first met, how you told me good help was hard to find? You were right.”
Peter gasped. “You don’t mean?”
“Yes, I do. This is an inside job.”