“I guess so. Sort of.”
“At the Drowsy Lady. I made the arrangements both times. It’s like giving life to something. That bumbling shyness and all that fright is gone now. He can laugh at the way he was. He’s a man now, and he struts and smirks and looks so incredibly smug. He makes love joyously now. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t let me give you the idea it’s something I just endure. He’s learned how to make it good for me. Does it spoil the purity of the motive if I enjoy it?”
“Stop trying to hurt yourself, Natalie.”
The girl made a face. “Now, of course, he is certain it is love undying. He’s certain I’m not too old for him. He wants to come to school at Michigan. He’s sure we’ll get married. He has it all worked out. I don’t want that, of course. I don’t love him. He’s a sweet, intelligent boy. If I stopped right now, he might just be trading one obsession for another. I had the idea I’d let him have... so much of me, the charm of the idea would kind of fade away after I go back to school. Do you know what I keep thinking when I’m with him? I keep thinking there is some girl he hasn’t met yet, some girl I’ll probably never meet, who can be grateful to me later on. Jigger will be a good husband. This isn’t going to make him promiscuous. He’s learning that, too, how promiscuity is such a silly shallow thing. Well, somebody found out about it. And they’re using it.”
“Does Jigger know?”
“The people who talked to my father didn’t give him the name of the male involved. I refused to tell him. He’s absolutely furious with me. No, Jigger doesn’t know. I’m afraid of what it would do to him, and I’m afraid of what crazy thing he might try to do about it if he knew. If he knew somebody was trying to hurt me, he could be murderous. He... he hasn’t got the stability he’ll have later on, in a few more years. I don’t feel soiled and messy. If you place no value on something, what harm does it do to give it to somebody who needs it badly? He writes poetry about me. Some of it is really quite good. I’ve watched him asleep. He doesn’t look over twelve when he’s asleep. I’ve felt proud to hold him, Kat. He was on some terrible edge when I found him. And now he isn’t. Was I wrong? Is the whole thing dirty and cheap and wrong? Tell me, Kat. I trust you. I feel so defensive about it, too defensive, maybe.”
“It isn’t an easy question. There isn’t any easy answer. If you could have gotten him to go to someone for help...”
“I tried, but he wouldn’t hear of it.”
“Natalie, I understand. I really do. It was the combination of two kinds of unhappiness, actually. But I think there’s a part of it you don’t understand, or you’re trying to deny.”
“Such as?”
“A masochistic streak in you. You’re ashamed of last year. So you were willing to find some way to abuse yourself, if you could find a rationalization for it. You don’t hold yourself cheap. If you did, you wouldn’t be struggling so hard to justify the relationship with Jigger. You just wouldn’t give a damn, would you?”
“M-maybe not. I don’t know.”
“But you can be awfully certain, dear, that few people could ever understand it. Very few women, and almost no men. They wouldn’t comprehend the sacrificial flavor to it, and the kind of strange inverted motherhood. I’ve never liked that boy.”
“He’s never let anyone else know him. I didn’t like him either.”
“The world is going to turn it into filth, if it ever comes out.”
“I pleaded with my father. I begged him. I told him to let them do their damnedest. I told him it wouldn’t hurt me, and I didn’t tell him that I wouldn’t let it hurt Jigger. I despise the idea of anybody being able to get at him through me. But nobody can talk to him now. Claire is wandering around wondering what the hell happened. It’s up to him to tell her if he wants to.”
“Who found out about it?”
“I just can’t imagine.”
“There’s an obvious answer, isn’t there? Burt Lesser is anxious to have the bay fill go through. Di is tough opposition.”
“Jigger? Oh, no. I have absolute confidence in him. They could cut him in pieces and he wouldn’t tell. I told Dial I’d leave his house today. I’d pack and get out of there, and then he could tell them to pull anything they felt like. But he wouldn’t hear of it. I’m telling you, Kat, for a man who’s led the kind of emotional life he’s led, he’s a pretty primitive father. I’m supposed to be some kind of a golden princess or something. If he really believes that, I could tell him some things that would stagger him, charming little details of my great romance up in Michigan. I told Jigger a little bit. I didn’t dare tell him any more. He would have headed north to kill the guy. No, somebody saw us. Here’s the terrifying thing about it, Kat. We were there last night. That was the second time. They knew about that too. We took my little alarm clock with us, and set it for five, and creeped into our houses like mice this morning. Dial came and bellowed me out of bed as soon as he got the call.”
“Who called him?”
“He didn’t say, but I got the impression the other person didn’t give a name.”
“He said the rest of us were vulnerable and he wasn’t.”
“What?”
“Nothing important, dear. Jimmy Wing told me the other side might play dirtier this time. I didn’t really believe him. I can’t believe Burt Lesser would... approve of this sort of thing.”
“I bet he doesn’t know anything about it. It would be that oily Leroy Shannard, or that crude Buck Flake. Or maybe the rest of them, not Mr. Lesser, just hired somebody to raise hell with your committee any way they can.”
“It’s so stinking,” Kat said.
“Isn’t it, though? And it’s such a darn... vulgar kind of melodrama. I didn’t want it to be anybody’s business but mine, what I did. I didn’t want it affecting anybody else. My father is an idiot to let it change his mind about anything. What could they do, really?”
“I don’t know, and I guess he doesn’t want to test it.”
“He isn’t going to give himself a chance to change his mind, or anybody else. Poor Claire. This afternoon he told her they’re taking a trip just as soon as he can get tickets. Her face fell. She loves it here in the summer. She loves the house and the pool and the beach. She asked where they were going, and he said he’d decide later. They’ll take the twins and Esperanza. She asked how long, and he said he’d decide that later too. They’ll leave Floss there and keep the house open. I can stay there or not, he said. It’s up to me.”
“He’s running away?”
“Kat, he’s going away. That’s what he’s done with most of the problems in his life, walk away from them. I know I’ll stay. I like teaching the kids. I can’t run too. I have to find some gentle way to make Jigger independent of me, the way he should be. If I let him sink or swim now, all the rest of it would mean less... to both of us.”
“Should I try to talk to Dial?”
“He’ll be very sweet and very polite and extremely evasive, Kat. You won’t get anywhere. I’ve seen him like this before.”
“I’ll have to tell Tom Jennings something. Natalie? Natalie, what is it?”
The girl was staring at her, her hand at her throat, her face stricken. “Oh, Kat, when will I ever get over being so darn young?”
“What’s the matter?”
“I came storming in here, loading you up with all my infantile goopy problems, completely, utterly forgetting this has been such a miserable day for you.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter! I feel like an insect. You’ve been so sweet, listening to my silly mess.”