9:08 am
rolled over onto left side
9:09 am
lay in bed, staring at wall
9:10 am
lay in bed, staring at wall
9:11 am
lay in bed, staring at wall
9:12 am
lay in bed, staring at wall
9:13 am
lay in bed, staring at wall
9:14 am
lay in bed, staring at wall
9:15 am
doubled over pillow, sat up to see out window
9:16 am
sat in bed, staring out window
9:17 am
sat in bed, staring out window
9:18 am
sat in bed, staring out window
9:19 am
sat in bed, staring out window
Then God would say Life is a gift & you never even bothered to unwrap it. Then he would smite me.
New Year’s Eve
All Paris counting down to Christmas now counting down to New Year proving that not only are we more obsessed with time than ever we just can’t stop counting everything. Our perception is that time is moving forward but scientists tell us we are wrong wrong wrong in fact they say we are so wrong they feel a little embarrassed for us.
It’s New Year’s Eve & I’ve NOTHING to do NOBODY to touch NO ONE to kiss.
January 1
What a night! If anyone feels sudden potent tremors in the world they come from me having finally sideslipped into the aromatic hairy pocket of the other gender. Yes it’s official- I am a fornicator!
Sat on bench in Montmartre cemetery opposite Nijinsky’s grave & made a list of resolutions. The usual bunk- quit smoking & be happy with what you have & give to beggars but not pleaders & don’t grovel even to yourself & piss wine & shit gold blahblahblah. Banal list of promises to myself numbered an even fifty & as I tore them up I thought New Year’s resolutions are a confession that all along we know the fault of our unhappiness lies w/ us & not w/ others.
Walked the streets until midnight among the people of Paris gorging on joy & I felt stupid & inadequate in my unhappiness & it seemed very clear to me that loneliness is the worst thing in the world & people should ALWAYS be forgiven for all the compromises they make in love.
At midnight I put my fingers in my ears but it didn’t do any good-
I could still hear it. The countdown to the New Year was the worst thing I’d ever heard.
I walked on. The window of regular café shone out of the fog in a circle of dotted lights. As I entered fat bartender poured me champagne smiling. I took it & wished him a happy New Year in French. Regular patrons all turned eager to know who I was & plied me w/ questions & let out gasps of shock when I said I was from Australia – my country to them no closer than the moon. Got drunk & returned questions w/ questions & found out who had children who was divorced who had bowel cancer who won a small literary prize for a poem entitled “The Tripe of Life” who had crushing financial difficulties & who belonged to the Freemasons but don’t tell anybody.
4 am- noticed a woman standing at the other end of the bar. Hadn’t seen her come in. She had a beautiful angular face & wide brown eyes & wore a black furry hat & when she removed it hair fell out all over the place over her face into her champagne. She had a lot of hair. It went down her back. It went into my mind. It covered her shoulders & my thoughts.
I watched her as she drank & thought her face was one that you have to earn- there was a world-weariness in that face as if it had seen all the acts of creation & all the acts of destruction & had gotten stuck in the bottleneck of history & crawled out naked over miles & miles of broken bodies & machine parts & wound up here in this bar for a quick glass of champagne to rinse the taste of holocaust from her mouth.
The alcohol gave me courage & I went over without preparing an opening line.
– Bonsoir, mademoiselle. Parlez-vous anglais? I asked.
She shook her head as if I were a policeman interrogating her after a rape so I backed away & resumed my place at the end of the bar. Humiliated, I downed champagne in one go & when I finished saw her coming over.
– I do speak English, she said settling herself on stool beside me. Hard to place her accent, European but not French. Caught her looking at my scarred ears, not subtle about it, & before I knew what was happening she had her finger on my scar & I liked that there was no pity in her eyes only mild curiosity. Pity is the awful lost dazed brother of empathy. Pity doesn’t know what to do with itself so it just goes Awwwwwww.
She surprised me further by not asking about it.
– Do you have any scars? I asked.
– I don’t even have any scratches, she answered softly as tho a hand was over her mouth.
Her cardigan was open just enough to reveal a tight black T-shirt concealing small thrilling breasts like hard-boiled eggs.
I dangled my weak smile in front of her & asked what she was doing in Paris.
– Nothing mostly.
Nothing
Lust reaching astonishing proportions I felt my secret thoughts broadcast through a megaphone. She asked me where I was from & I told her & watched her eyes fill with the visions of a land she’d never seen. I always wanted to go to Australia she said but already I’ve traveled too much. We talked about the earth for a while & there was hardly a country I could think of she hadn’t been lost in. She told me she speaks English French Italian German Russian. Mastery of languages impresses my lazy Australian brain.
Was this woman accepting my advances? Even reciprocating them? There’s a hidden agenda here, I thought. She wants me for some banal purpose like to help her move furniture.
– Do you want to kiss me? she asked suddenly.
– As a start.
– Then why don’t you?
– What if you reel backwards and make a scene?
– I won’t.
– Promise?
– I promise.
– And hope to die?
– Above all things, I hope to die.
– In general, or if I kiss you?
– What’s wrong with you?
– I don’t know. Here I come.
I leaned forward & she grabbed my face & her long fingernails against my cheek were sharper than they looked & we kissed for a long time I think I was doing something wrong because our teeth kept colliding. When we finished the kiss she said laughing, I can taste your loneliness- it tastes like vinegar.
That annoyed me. Everyone knows loneliness tastes like cold potato soup.
– What can you taste of me? she asked playfully.
– I can taste your insanity, I said.
– What does it taste of?
– Blue cheese.
She laughed & clapped her hands then threw them around me & clutched my hair so it hurt.
– Let go.
– Not until you kiss me again. I want to taste some more of your loneliness, she said loudly. I was glad no one in the bar could speak English- this was embarrassing crazy talk & I didn’t want anyone in the café thinking about the flavor of my lonely soul.
– Let’s get another drink, I said.
We drank for another hour & I mutilated many of my most coherent thoughts by putting them into words.
I don’t remember how we ended up back in her apartment. I remember her hands resting on my arms as she talked & I remember kissing in the street & afterwards hearing the sound of immature whistling nearby. I remember her telling me to stop whistling.
I remember that the sex was good. To prolong the moment I thought of mass graves & syringes & gum disease. I don’t know what she thought of or if she even wanted to prolong the moment.