‘Good God! Miss Kent, are you unwell?’
She looked up to see William Lomax bending over her: his expression all tenderness and concern.
‘Yes, yes, I thank you. I am quite well. Just…’ One did not, after all, like to dispel such pleasing concern entirely, ‘just a little faint.’
He sat down beside her and spoke with considerably more gentleness than might have been expected from their parting upon the terrace at Brooke. ‘I came in search of you,’ he said. ‘I did not like to leave Surrey without first bidding you farewell.’
‘That is very kind of you.’ She lowered her eyes, unable to meet his solemn gaze from an apprehension that her recent shocking thoughts might somehow be discernable in her face. ‘And I am very glad to have this opportunity of saying goodbye – and, of course, of thanking you for the service you did me in talking with Mr Vane.’
He assumed his gravest, most dignified look. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘it was a distasteful business; but it had the desired outcome. It would certainly seem that you were right in suspecting him.’
Dido said nothing.
He studied her face a while. ‘Miss Kent,’ he began gently, ‘two nights ago – at Brooke – I believe I may have spoken…with more force than perhaps I should. I have been considering the matter and, upon reflection, I recognise that your behaviour…had I seen it in someone else…well, I would still have thought it wrong, but I doubt I would have condemned it so violently. It would not have roused such anger. I beg you to understand that it was only because I was so very concerned for your safety, your well-being…’
‘Please,’ she cried. ‘There is no need to continue. I do not doubt the benevolence of your motives in trying to prevent my investigations; as, I hope, you do not doubt mine in making them. As far as good intentions go, we have both been in the right. And, since I do not believe that we will ever agree upon more than that – that no amount of disputation would prove to either of us that we have been in error – I feel that there is no more to be said upon the subject.’
‘No. No, of course not. You are quite right; the whole business had better be forgotten,’ he said a little doubtingly and looked at her as if he knew not whether to rejoice in her words – or to regret them. ‘I wonder,’ he began falteringly after a moment, ‘if you are sufficiently recovered from your faintness to do me the honour of taking a turn along the avenue with me. There is something further I wish to say.’
Dido consented with some reluctance. She suspected that, despite his assurance, he would be wanting to revive the subject and she was in no mood this morning to argue with him. The parting with Mary had left her too discomposed and distressed for disagreement – particularly disagreement with him. He offered his arm as she stood up; but she felt it best to decline. Being close to him seemed only to distress her more. Thank you, but she was fully recovered now: could walk quite well on her own.
So he clasped his hands behind his back, fell into step beside her, and did not speak until they had entered the lime-walk, which was particularly pleasant this morning. The breeze, delicately scented with blossom, shifted the leaves about so that they walked in a dancing pattern of sunlight and shade with sun sparkling and winking through the foliage overhead. Once they were fairly begun upon their promenade, he said, very seriously, ‘I had another reason for coming after you this morning: a very particular reason…’
Something in his voice made her suspect – she raised her eyes and saw, with a shock, such a look upon his face as could leave her in no doubt as to what his particular reason had been. There was a tenderness in his eyes; an unusual hint of colour on his cheeks; a hesitancy, an uncertainty, in his expression that was particularly becoming upon a face which was usually all gravity and self-possession.
She looked away in confusion and he began to speak rapidly as if he feared he might lose his courage. His circumstances were improved of late. He was still not a wealthy man; but the recent death of his old employer and the succession of the heir at Belsfield had rather improved his situation. And he had, furthermore, had some moderate success in business matters of his own. He was still burdened with heavy debts of his son’s making; but he had now greater hopes of paying them within a reasonable length of time and trusted that he might, with a little luck and a great deal of economy, clear himself of them in three – perhaps even two years… He quite understood that it was neither fair nor reasonable to ask any lady to enter into an engagement which could not be fulfilled within such a length of time as two – perhaps three – years; but the strength of his feelings, the ardency of his admiration was such as must make him try to secure her hand…
For several moments Dido could not speak, so great was her surprise. That his affection, instead of being done away by her behaviour of the last weeks was instead augmented – one might even say inflamed – was incomprehensible! But there seemed to be no escaping the conviction that while quiet decorum had failed to wrest from him a positive declaration, defiance and argument had succeeded.
‘Mr Lomax, you do me a great deal of honour. I cannot help but be gratified that you should esteem me so highly. But…’
‘But?’ He caught anxiously at the word. He reached out as if he might attempt to take her hand, then checked himself in time. ‘But?’
‘But I confess that I am surprised – amazed – at your declaration. That you should feel such tender emotions, when we have so lately been in violent disagreement with one another – and when we cannot even now be at peace together without avoiding discussion of some very important subjects. It is quite beyond my comprehension.’
He swallowed. The colour deepened on his cheeks. ‘My dear Miss Kent, I doubt it is possible that any two people in the world will always agree upon every subject.’
Dido stopped walking and turned up her face, letting the sunshine move across her cheeks and dazzle her eyes. Oh, it would be so easy to agree with him! To let him take her hand. To consent. And just a few days ago she would have done so. But now… Truths once discovered cannot be unknown – even when the discoveries are only truths about our own heart.
‘May I ask you,’ she said gravely, ‘what brought you to this decision – I mean why did you decide that you must declare yourself before going away?’
He looked offended. ‘Why…I hardly know.’
‘Do you not?’ she pressed on, hardening her heart against his looks of pain. ‘I think I do. I am quite sure that it was upon the terrace at Brooke that you first decided I was essential to your happiness. Come, admit it, was it not the case? It was only in arguing with you that I became irresistible.’ She watched his face eagerly as she spoke, quite dreading his response.
But, to her amazement, he remained calm. Instead of protesting, he pressed his fingertips together and rested his chin upon them. Incredible though it seemed, there was no escaping the conviction that he was considering her suggestion as rationally as he did everything else. Really, the man was the most exasperating mixture of reason and unreason!
‘This point of when exactly I decided to try for your hand seems to be of very great importance to you.’
‘Yes it is.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you cannot marry upon the strength of an argument, Mr Lomax!’ she cried. ‘For however delightful you might find defiance in the period of courtship, I assure you that you would find it no such thing in marriage!’
He frowned and continued to ponder. ‘I think,’ he said at last, ‘that your argument is weak on two points. First – though I will not deny that the moment you speak of was rather decisive to my feelings – we need not necessarily conclude that it was the argument per se which had that effect. Might it not have been that your contrariness in that moment made me fear that you would cease to respect me – that, in short, you might be lost to me forever. Such an apprehension would do a great deal to make me understand my own heart and strengthen my resolution of trying to win you. And, secondly…’