When I go home my brazen flesh lets off the sound of doing something I should not. Our mother careful look and questions, cannot understand the alteration. And she’ll not let adjustment be without a nuclear fight. No going off to be another girl than I was before. No. There must be confession. Explanation. Close the bedroom door and bathroom. Keep my body secrets in, hers out if I could. I do not, will not be frying down in hell. My mind is blanket clear. It’s hot inside and not much breath but no one sees me where I am. It’s good not feeling pure.
We sat in the kitchen my friend and me. Drink instant coffee hot now tell me tell me what’s it like? Does it hurt? Are you sorry after? Do you feel ashamed and I encourage her to follow. You’ll like it on the other side. I’ll tell you how to do it right. She me laugh about I imitate their squawk Oh I’m coming coming coming. Makes us laugh hard all the more. But how do you dare and what’ll you say if you’re caught? This are boring. Better saying why it’s great.
I think she slipped away to other huddles back at school. Did not come around here so often. Quietly made a getaway from me and my many sins. Tarred with the same brush all of that. And after I wasn’t at all sorry about it. With her orange hair and love at first sight glued to her snout. I don’t wish I’d kept my big mouth shut.
There is no Jesus here these days just Come all you fucking lads. I’ll have you every one any day. Breakfast dinner lunch and tea. The human frame. The human frame. The human frame requires. Give them something. A good hock spit for what it’s worth. They’ll say my name forever shame but do exactly what I say. I’m a laughing skirt up round my knees and feathery boy rosen cheek between. I found the shell I’ll rap until it breaks. I found my new blousy blazen face. It makes me. Laugh. The shininess of it. Of say so. Follow tremble and obey.
The word go round it get round soon and soon I was to overflowing everyone could ask but I. Pick my moments when to strike. Say, come here and do your best.
I’m dizzy with. Can hardly bear to stop and talk. Hurt up between my legs and full of what they’ll do for me. Faces blaze with so much need, with twice much gratitude after it. They’ll not say one thing about us you see because after all, what’s fair is fair.
Those girls’ heads turn in the class. Flick flick ponytails. Wag wag at that. Natter natter look at that one. Dirty hoor. For I was somehow up the ladder. Above a bit of tongue or feel of my tit. Could say for sure this is what it feels like. To do. But I wouldn’t. Not to them. It’s mine alone. To replay on my own. For I am a woman now.
But that one day. A Saturday. Click click. I stood with my forehead on the glass. Thinking I can leave a grease print unappetising as it is. When did my face get like this? All that bloody fuck and sweat. It’s cold. The afternoon. Then on your blue bike you come breakily up the drive. I don’t know where you’ve been. Into town I now suppose. Back door squeal as you opened. Radio upstairs chortle to itself. She’s out praying with the nuns. A holy hour offered up for? Us. Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament. That means two- kneed genuflect.
At the doorway where you stand. I say your nails are really black. Are they so? Yes they are and I go back on thinking of my skin and still you stand. Ignore my ignoring. So, what do you want? You’re wolfing back air and words and all sorts. Beet face boiled up ready to go. What? But you can be consternated for all I care. As if I care. As if. Well you’d know about dirty things you say. What? What’s that supposed to mean? Your face embarrassed me. That it took so much. And quietly like glue stuck in your mouth. Please tell me if it’s true. You know. That you.
What would I do to be dragged into the floor? Go plummet down please. Hell open up and take me in. Do all that? you say. Dirty stuff. Dirty things. That you did the it the thing with one of the lads from my year. That you did it during lunchtime in the bogs with some other. Shut up. Stop it. But you’re keep going on with wart toads popping from your tongue. That someone saw you down the lake. Who told you that? Is it true though? Is it? Is it? You are almost start to cry. Fuck off I say, you say that’s not the answer. Go on tell me if it’s true? And you’re walking coming crossing. Grab me by the elbow. Is it true? Is it true? I know you’re stronger than me now. First time and push me to the wall. Don’t you lie. You don’t lie here. Is it true? Bang me off it. Go on slut say that it’s so. What do you want? Is it true? It is! I shouted pushing hands and might against I sticking fingers at your eyes. You choke me. I expel splode fight against. Kicking at. Struggle. Whack for I’ll be screaming in a minute. Push me on the ground. It is disgusting whore sputter filthy disgusting wrong it’s wrong to. Do. Fucking bitch. I curl up miss me kick the floor. The stub of it. Rolling.
What’s going on in here she shouts. Caught you by a scrag of hair. What in God’s name are you doing to your sister? Stop it. Stop it calm down. I mean it. Stop it. Dear God in heaven stop it. She struggle. Struggling with you. Struggle while you pull her struggle off. While you push. Shouting roaring off your head. She saying this no way to behave. You’ll never make a priest like this. And pushed over. I see she fell. Jesus. Jesus all I say getting up. Putting hands out for blows. And she and she too. Stop it Jesus calm down. She is saying if you in carry on this way they’ll never take you in. You give her other push. I don’t want to be a priest a fucking fucking fucking priest. That’s no way to talk my boy as though you’re on TV. I want to escape you say I want to get away from the pair of ye. And strike out. We’re not struck at all. It’s going in you. Beating up against the walls. I want to be in the SAS. And you turn. She. Hit her between the shoulder and the neck so she cries. I. And then you ran. Out the door. Out the hallway. Out the house. Running to. Running like mad.
That’s a lash I’m quiet under. All the night you were away and she me sat and holding hands or piece and jam or cup of tea. Is that him knocking at the door? Her neck blacken and red. It was not you at all. Where were you? And when she had gone to bed I locked the door in secret. Let you stay out there.
But the next night you came home. It was a very quiet way. Say not a thing. No one say and that was the end of that.
Wander about the months sucking my teeth that you hurt. Touch and touching-up my eye. Packed in and up that life between my thighs. Keep it now for alone at night, for my thoughts to blister on. Can I meet you round the back at lunch? Just fuck off. You all can.
It’s only ever going home. You watch me. Crucified on the bus to hear them going Ah I wouldn’t mind a bit of that or the fine thing’s arse or I’d do her raw and red. For now taking it away they have me. I am at their mercy. And you push me down the bus steps. Push me out the door, saying see now see what you are? Everyone’s embarrassed at what you did. Everyone thinks you’re disgusting like a maggoty pervy type I’d kill if I went to war. That’s the job for you. You’re very sure. But did you tell? You’ll never say and she says nothing. I don’t see so I don’t think you did.
The last day is off school and you’re finished. All your exams the same. I don’t mention but I’m aching for the moment you’ll be leaving. The summer’s come. Something’s good in that for me. It dry up each my wounds of nasty thinking what I did. Now very nice do dishes for Mammy or rake the fire out instead of you. You never note, for that’s that now. Dirty beast and go away. Alright. I will. Leave or. I would. If I could.
And you are gone for army trials. Up the country. Long weekend and say yes that’s the life for me. It took two months. For your exams. For army invite coming through. That’s a loose summer working in the shop for you. I think you might at stacking shelves. It’s boring but you never say for August’s coming. She says prays for the right thing — please God a vocation — whatever that may be.