And another one comes in and another one comes in. Is it sixty people here? They talk like all this is the same to them. What things have they done that makes them easy and right? Saying yeah yeah yeah when I was in the States or I was in London this summer. They know the world. They know what levi’s proper tops and shoes to wear. Am I I am dowdy or something with too long hair. They speak out loud and I am wrong wrong wrong.
Some girl with all nice clothes on wearing make-up as it’s alright to do. God isn’t. Never — desperate that. I must. Oh. Something new. Sitting down all the blue stuff on her eyes are laughing looking round. Crossing her legs like she should I do not. Giving ankles crossed more than enough. Hi and how are you are you here for this course too? What? Oh yes aha I am yes too. Oh good thought it was the wrong room never understand them accents them Brits have got. Your woman in the office. Yes I understand enough.
This one’s talking. An awful lot. She’s got me out of all the ones. I don’t know. I have my red dress on? Are you living near? Just around the corner. I’m from here she says. Oh right. I just thought it would be a laugh you know. I know. I don’t. God look at that she says. That’ll be him The Big Cheese. And in he comes in. Fella sparkle-eyed with a plomp load of books. My heart go bang at no go back now no go back. Some new education begins.
Coming coming? What? For a drink you must, course you can go on she says. Na no thanks I don’t na no well alright I will. But when we get there I don’t know what to do. Not never been to a pub. What’ll I. Go on. Go on iniquity time again, it’ll go with all that smoke she is blowing up my nose. She’s done this lots before. I see settled on the barstool drooping out her chest. What’ll you have then hey what to drink? Em thinking I’ll have Guinness for want of knowing what else what. Jesus that’ll give you guts. Go on well I’ll have what you’re having I say. I have lager, two please and sit down there. I’ll get these with my held pound note out or two.
Bringing over giving a bounce. Big red gums. Her ponytail flick it back forth in my pint. So then there’s some kind of talking going. She and me. I’ve drunk up that. Stinking still she smoking silk cut red, look at them so small. I do not know smoking ins and outs. But good for giving Marilyn Monroe face. Puss. Droop her eyes down. Look all. That. In my mouth and in my hair. Saying her family and crazy Dad’s a famous writer I haven’t heard but then but then. Groggeldy when they lived in Sweden fighting over opera seats and drinking schnapps. I fresh bewildered, ripple thrill of it people who. Oh God. Oh God. That’s it. And her mother’s orange hair and black lace skirt she wears when she talks on the television. So boring she says. Always going on about her family in public because she is Therapist. We’re nearly in America with that. Like Hollywood and I am gob impressed. And me? Nothing really. No my family’s just the. You know. Like everyone else apart from you. And we’ll drink another and brain go down til seeya tomorrow. Alright then. I will.
I take the bus home reeling over me. That’s a feeling. Frighten brilliant new. I am just head on the pillow when she phone. The bring bring. It’s half past nine. I’ll sleep but landlady whack. You. You. Your mother’s on the phone. She’s been calling half the night don’t let me say it again. Sorry.
Hello love and how are you? I’ve been calling half the night. Just wanted to know how you got on? And are you settled in and is your room damp is it fine have you managed to find your way and is the church nearby? Yes Mammy. Don’t forget to say your prayers. For Jesus loves you here or there. I’m fine Mammy. I am fine and you are are you well? Is that the right words I am using? I feel big and vast and my head’s buzzing all round my voice. And every stuff. Hmm everything strange. You sound a little. Are you drunk? she says. I’m. Are you? I’m. Holy God you are. Have you no. Have you no shame? No more than a week gone and already come to this. You listen here young lady. This is not how I reared you to live. I want you to promise. Promise this’ll be an end to that. You know drinking’s the devil’s work. Now stop it. Promise. Say you will. You will. I trusted you. I’m saying Mammy I will. Never thought you’d carry on like this. Oh crying. Mammy Mammy Mammy. Don’t be crying. I only had a few. I won’t then. I won’t then again. Promise me. I do. I do promise I won’t. I’m sorry Mammy. Now don’t. Cry plunging sickness waves of home. Go on my drunk brain encircled feeling my own badness sticking in. Oh how I’ll be sorry again. So breathe now. Ha. Ah. I do. I’m done and down. I won’t. I promise. Drink again. Good well that’s all I want to know. Your brother sends his love to you. Right. Love. Take care of yourself. Good night. Goodnight. Strings of words. Strings of words. I go upstairs. I go up to sleep.
I keep my promise until the next day and the next day after is gone. I smell this is some world I’m in with loosed down hair. It is my mother cannot see. Cannot see into. I am glass no more. My body gone opaque so one hundred miles far. Won’t know won’t hurt her. Not ever can you say. Not ever you can tell tale tattler on me.
We are bad her. She and me. My friend I’d call. Run wound to each. Going. Going. Thither thither. Places. Going all aware. Going to no good. Perhaps. Fling. Think never ever thinking I’ll look back. Nor do I don’t I. I don’t know what or I don’t know yet.
See here this party. It’s a mad. I had never been. I have only seen and thought films were like that. Music hurting on the innards. Door. Lungs. People pouring noise out front back of this old house. Some glasses beakers. I have cans. In my bag. Where do I? Out them there no don’t put down or they’ll go you’ll be sorry. Money spent. I trup trup off behind her. Think I’m new and white. In the garden. In the wet. For grass still sucks it up all day. Where’s this? Just some fella I know she says. He said come and bring a friend. Him and other lads have this band. Oh. Brilliant. Good too. They squat here. Christ. What do I know? What do I know? People living mad life but I’m around it now. I can be in. I’m. What I’d say to those girls in school if. No. I won’t. Won’t be going back in there. I’m going just to say hello she says you stay here. And I sit under this tree while. What type’s it? Apple. Mortified at being alone. Drink up. Watch. She seeing them. Says I’m black now am I? Well then give us a kiss. She slather their hands on. Blankets wet full mouth smirking aren’t you pleased to see me? She knows all the right stuff. Right things done said brings the. Going house in. What is perfect on this lawn, there is no shame. She. Looking over her shoulder. Roll her eyes. You know what it means. I’m going. Off. Nod. Laughing me and she’ll tell later on whatever he has done.
I am fine sit and drink and watch. All this harlotting go full on. Twist to look like I’m in here not just sitting by myself. Lay in the grass. Foots trodding dance around. See up skirts. In trousers. Music pumping ground under my head. I think some poems I’ll write. About. Sights. Remember. This wood smell of. Damp and. Dandelions stain on my bare leg. Sip up my. Sip and slurp it drink. Think of being by myself. Here. In this stranger’s downstairs flat. That. Whirl. Some fella coming up. Do you mind if I sit he and who are you then? Who are you? Do I know you no I do not. I turn my head is very slow and. Some strange man he is to me. Some man with black hair combed strange like balding but not. It seems. Will I talk at all I will. He chatting my name and all those things. I falling into that. Suppose I am here on my own. Will you another? Thanks for that. Will hear him tell me he’s how old a lot oh God lotter than me. I am addling but good to be seen. It’s very good to be seen.
Hello there and one of these. You want some? Smoke. Never do. But will. It’s something else. No I don’t know how. But. Go on lassy you inhale and hold. That’ll do. That Jesus rips the tender throat out. Jesus give the eyes a very stream. He is laughing with at me but about my whirring head. I don’t like. Do. He lie beside. Stick his fingers in my hair. Aren’t you a lovely lovely thing. And talking to he’s talking still. I curling poems cannot listen. Smoke in again and in again. Feels hours and hours him and me. Our heads on a root. Benutted tree I see London. I see France. I can see your underpants. I hear him singing put his hand between my knees. Go way think I’m laughing. Spin the brain away from here. Ha you’re tickling. Don’t do please. Come on says he come on time to go to bed. Time for us to be out of this fet air. Where we going? Come on o human child. I singing oky ho-ky do-ky. Ha ha help me down from this wet earth. I’ll come. I’ll. Now I’ll come with you.