So. I go. Getting some paint. Curtains. Curtain rails. Carrying in the wind and rain up the road. I am making. No. Say you don’t want to. Don’t worry I’ll make it all as lovely as your room. Won’t it be more easy and without those stairs? Think of that. See. No you say. You have to. Sorry. No. I’ll make it. Nice. No. Sorry but. You do.
I do. That day and that night. Sticking paper. Stewing paste. Paint yellow and white for the. For you. Good for sleep I. She. You missed a bit you missed a bit. Just there look. Over there. I go on. With all my might. Paint. She’s not around. Like she is not here.
Where’s the lights? Turn the lights on. Now how’s that for a room? She is non. She is unimpressed by me by my. Room I’ve made. But there’s an air bubble shouldn’t have let that in there’s crumple up the paper. I. Took me all night Mammy. All night. Alright. I’m not saying. You are. Don’t be uptight. Your brother doesn’t need that in the air. I. You. Look. Leave me alone. She says don’t think you can come here with your tantrums. And it’s not like you’ve done a lot. What? For us. In the past. When I? Oh I see what you’re at Madam. I see you well, think you’ll make up with him. On the death bed. I know you she says very well you selfish stupid lazy girl. Never bothered here and now. Don’t. I’m not impressed. You conniving jealous. Shut your mouth you. Fucking. I’m just trying. My. Best. Well aren’t you lucky we’ll have you. You. Just keep to yourself. He needs his mother now not you.
Get out there burn my tonsils burn my eyes. Spit the fuck the. Doorbell rings. Her jangle praying swaying crowd’s arrived. Answer that get that you she says. Holy Jesus. I swing. Shout get in there and see your friend and say your Jesus fucking prayers. Go on. I’m. Getting out of here. She. You Miss listen don’t you. Listen to me. No. I’m. I’m. Have your lunatics. Anoint their Jesus crying eyes. Their mouths slapping tongues. Their sing praise alleluias. So levitate on the tiles. They sweep all Christ-like in. Fat coven descended to your bed. Your nervous face. Disguise. I can’t disguise. Some ancient thing that catch me make me panic gag. Them. Doing it before my eyes. No. Announce yourself and hear oh Lord. Between us chattels us vessels of shame and you, blue conscious with outstretched hands will be loaded up with all their sins. And to the wilds they’ll send you filled with that. I’m bad to my mother and I’ll never have luck. Fuck. Fuck that, this, all everything. It creeps and crawls and. What? They’ll grasp their hands and pray. Forgiveness. Absolution for you. I don’t. I think. She bow her head. Murmur holy spirit. She pray and whatsit she thinks she sees? Her son has failed her. Have put upon her these things. For she for her life shouldn’t be this. I see her. I see. See. I’d like. I’ll. Sit down, for God wants all our prayers. Hear that Madam? What you need. No I’m. Make a run for it. This time. Up up and away. There’s a foul there’s a wind where’s the air. Catch me. Face. I’m going down the footpath and running from the door. Slamming. Fuck you. Where the rain is.
Narrow. I’m running. Between the trees. And the woodlands here and something primrose on the hill. It’s the spring what’s wrong here is me me me. Me the thing but I. Think I know. Is that the reason for what’s happened? Me? The thing. Wrong. Strangling it is. Me. I have a juicy puke down like tsunami from my head. In the blackthorn in the hazel over there over there. Came out up all over. Carrots and peas. I paint what. Did I do? What a thing in my insides. Just sit still I say.
So afterwards pick out of my hair glue strands phlegm bit insides no better than. I shake. Feel that dizzy. Sit but alone. With my vomit. Behind eyes blunt. What I’d be. Demure. If I could. With handkerchief blot ducts not glands race pump tears out and snot and fear like garlic through the skin. Out my mouth like a mad thing raving clawing out my eyes. This wrong doubtful body should not have been mine. Mine was. Not this. Was perfect. Once. Drag the. I will and sit and drown and drown if the. Come water. Over land. Swallow up. Swallow me down. Drag me in the gullys. In the pipes please and the drains.
I called your aunt. Your uncle and aunt. Asked them to come. No. I want. Somebody here. You. Do. Of my own. I’m. And they said? He said. He? They’d come. Next week. How long? What? How. Long. I. He didn’t say I just want my family with me. I am. You are my. Daughter much good that’s showing to be now. Well thank you. Your aunt. My uncle will. Just keep clear she says. You I say, of me. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. You and your holy joes. What they must think she says I don’t know. I don’t care. The future in future. Keep yourself to yourself when they’re here. Nobody wants to hear your cheek. Nobody cares. For that thanks for that I say. Peel the skin off why don’t you, rip it from my bone.
How are you? You not much open your eyes. Tired I’m sleepy. I know. Have to I get up. Have to go to work but my eyes. You know it’s grand, they won’t expect you in yet. You’re here, play star wars here I’ll get the tub you say. The men. I’m Chewy I am Luke. You’re. Maybe later, I don’t think, not now. But I want. I. Wanted to. Do that. I. Want to get up. I. Alright. Lean on my. On my arm. Pull the bed sheets. Bed sheets back. Swing. There’s the ground. Fine you’re. Lean on me. But I have to. There. Come on. Come on. You weigh. The weight you weigh on me bricks and stone. But. If I let you down. If I let go. You’d fall. You’ll fall. No I won’t. You will but sure, I’m here.
You and me sit. Swing our feet. Watching TV. Watching films I bought. Here. Some sweets. Some penny sweets and toffee chews you like them I like them too. Don’t slobber. Don’t drop them on the floor. What’s that? Feet up. Hold your feet up. Your feet cold. Touch. Look you’ve an in-grown toenail there. Where? I’ll cut your toenails. You what, you say. You’re an eejit, cut it badly when you did it yourself last. I get my clippers. Get a piece of kitchen roll and snip snip. You hurt me. You say. Hurt me there. Point down to the foot I see. Little blood swell on the top. Jut. Blob the very edge. I. Sorry. Kiss it better. There now there. Amends. I push toilet tissue under the nail. What. Raise it. Just up enough. Thhh stings a load. I know I know but that’ll make it better soon. I’m better soon. Be better soon. I know I know you will. Shh now. Everything. Now that’s enough. But hungry I’m so hungry. What’ll I make you? Beans on toast you say. Hey fruit of the musical ha ha musical fruit good for your heart the more you eat the more you. Ahh ‘sgusting ‘sgusting boy. The musical fart the musical fart. You never used to. Don’t tell on me. Won’t. Don’t don’t. Don’t be sssscared. Fooled you. Made you look made you stare made the barber cut your hair. I look you look. I look at you. Good to see the smile of you. He cut it long he cut it short he cut it with a knife and fork. Didn’t know you liked hair so much I do. Beans on toast. I’ll. Ha now that’s enough. That’s enough now. Just sit there I’ll bring them in.
Now the window now I look out there. Smells of Fairy and damp matches stink in here. Hot swamp with condensation. Roll. What I’m. Help. I’m doing here. Light the gas just and put the pot on full.
What’s the day? It’s the day that they come. I know. Waiting. What. If I see? I’ll. I’m in the window. Nets. No. Like a stomach I’m sick. I. Is that them? Pull up. Red car. They. It. Is. Yes them. How’s his hair wet? It is. Curls. Curls a bit. With her handbag on her chest. Jesus. Cut her in half. I’d slice it at the neck. And he looks up. Don’t see me. Pats her. Cat. Close the door love. Go on in. I’ll lock up. See me standing. Look down. Looking at me. This is not. I see him well enough. Bastard that he is.