I know I must wash and clean my hair my teeth. My putting on my clean my jumper my skirt. People will be here I. Put my lipstick on my mouth. Perfume on my neck my hands my knees where’s right. My face don’t have its night eyes on. Only day eyes are here. For you. I go down. And I turn room to room. I close I closing all doors. Keep it out while I can. The more. A minute more will win me minute more you.
In the kitchen and in their beds the others move and move the place. Teacups bedsprings flushing toilets. I hear floorboards open. I am coming. Coming today. For you. I come into your room and close the door. I am here. I’m here remember. I love. I. Sit. In your room. In moment caught. Shot. I sit with face smiling black. Please pour the amber in we. Ever ever ever would sit in this moment here.
Hello morning my love. And kiss your face. That’s warm. And hard with sleep to the touch. Closed. I know what today is even if you’re unaware. I know you’d tell me if you could say. Today. Is the day you’ll die. You’re going off to leave me and I. I wish you would. I wish you’d learn your lesson and still come back. Wish you. Fuck you. Open your eyes. Please. And you. For the moment show me all that blue there is. World that’s falling off the cliff into a farer crashing blue. Do you see me this time this day? I see you I. See you today. Don’t you close them. Closed and gone away. Your mouth rattles. I know this. I know what it means. Death rattle like a. Something. I’m.
Close the door and doorbell rings. She bustles to it. Come the holy holy holy things. What? Mammy. Not. Come in come in. No no not today not not them. The district nurse came and said. Today. So I have gathered my friends in. Help him on his. My boy my little boy. It’s not right he won’t like. All these strangers it’s not for gawking Mammy it’s not a show please please. I’m asking. Please send them away. No.
They troop. Them large them heap of things and come in smile and go cluster in your room. There bring more chairs down. Don’t move. I stand. Get them. I won’t. Or you can stay in your room. And leave my brother? Too late for sucking-up miss. I won’t do that. Go. No. Go and get or get out and get to hell.
I bring one five six seven in.
I eat my butter bread across the table from him uncle. Look at me he say. Sorry. For this. For your mother doing. For. Today. There isn’t. Anything. Feel blood in my neck my head. Fighting in veins in eyes and on my hands. All wrong hands. That I wash them now. Again. Again. Kiss the side of my face. Give me your dishes. Go on in to your brother. I’ll do them up for you.
In the hallway. By the door. Catch the handle I hear. The long complaining prayering sound. Acts contrition reciting it as one. For you. For your sins. Frightened for the dying soon. Their hands laid upon. Bless everywhere on you. Upon your forehead. Upon your feet. Upon your chest. Chant it shout it almost down. You. Please. You sleep please don’t you hear what’s going on.
Oh my God I’m heartily sorry for having offended thee and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell but most of all because they offend thee my God who are all good and deserving of all my love I firmly resolve with the help of thy grace to confess my sins to do penance and to amend my life.
Life. Death. Amend your death. Amen. I go in. Is there any chair for me? No one. Holy sitting next to thee. And I. Excuse me. Move out of my way I’m. My brother. I get there. That one. Give me his chair. Thanks she says to him. I say nothing. Don’t dare look at me.
I hold your hand that was hot and sweat when it was smaller and would fight with me. Stump of nails and stupid. Short they are. I notice this. I see. I see you. I’m there I here. Now. And even here it goes. Your palm. Cooler. Calm when I have it in mine close. What your feet doing. Still growing your hair. Still growing your. Stop that. How’s the ingrown nail I’d like to see. See. Stop it doesn’t matter. Here. Shush. Cough a bit. You. Don’t wake up. I rest my face down on your shoulder she. Stop that. Sit up. Sit up he doesn’t like it. I won’t. Leave you and me alone.
If thou oh lord will open my lips.
My tongue shall announce thy praise.
Incline to my aid oh God.
May the lord make haste to help us.
They sing. Rosary like a lullaby like a song. I know well. Keep off my breath my head and your rising falling shoulder whisper to you I’m here as well as fecking eejits. Don’t forget that I am here.
The door aunt uncle come. Sit watch too. Asking hushly how you do and does anyone want? Then they are terrible and subdued in the corner where they hold hands. I do not see. I am holding yours. I am holding your hand close. My love. That’s the best in the. Ssssssh to me. In the land. Couldn’t help ssshhh. I’m here. Think I think all about, all I can, about you now.
In an hour. There’s still time. There’s still. Some time. Your hand is getting colder mine. I see. You are going white. Wait wait. I’ll tell you. It’s all wrong. It’s not.
I whisper in your ear over psalming going round. The world around the room around. Tell you every perfect all I can. There’s a story now you know. I done it all. I did all for. There’s a story. Have it for your own your. Entertaining God when you are gone. Do that. And remember me when you come into your kingdom. Remember me when you’ve already gone. Today. Is still here. I’ll be. At your. Right. Hand. And will you tell me when everything is done? Everything is done. You are. Ready happy go to. Bed. You are my.
Bite.
And all your. Sudden body. Where’s the. It. Comes for you. Come blistered breath. You. Strain. I see. Your heart I see your chest is move is moving is time to. You are. Struggle. Where the air in. Let the air come in it won’t it soughing out. Gushing like water. Where’s the. Your face that eyes are open wide. See the land and all above mine. Your eyes are where are. They look. When and a tinge purple on your cheeks choke the purple blue. Across your mouth. Across your lips. I see your suffocated eye. Please don’t go no. Not. Go. I. Please don’t leave. There’s the. Air flying out. Your eyes on me. They. You are.
Silent.
Breath.
Lungs go out. See the world out.
You finish that breath. Song breath.
You are gone out tide. And you close. Drift. Silent eyes. Goodbye.
My. llllllllllllllllll. Love my. Brother no.
Silent.
He’s gone. He’s gone. Goodbye.
No. Oh please. My.
Done. And. Quiet.
And.
Gone.
Where the sky burst. They started to cry weep the cry out Oh why oh lord oh why. Shut. Your will be done not mine no let mine let mine.
My tears coming blind my eyes my. Face of me. You’re white as. All this sudden. Moment back. Where have you gone. Breathing. White your face is not like that. New the awful of the. Awful you. Stop the. What’s that? Nn. My heart. Comes broken now. Broken off in me. Some flake falling off the sky. Off the. My. You. Where the day is light the sun come in. Give me. Not your face. You’re. Marble in the mountain. See you. I touch your. Awful face. Cooling like. I don’t even think can’t even think. Do that. You’re making my hands cold. My hands for warm you. Not only. No not this time. The only. I put my face. Inside your arm. Hold the wave of the the. Ocean of that. Torn me. In two. Save. Clinging on the. No. No one. Drag me down.
Who am I talking to? Who am I talking to now?
In the afternoon the undertaker came his hands are ready. Wrap you in your sheet and he and uncle put you in a coffin. Put the lid on tight. Put you in the hearse back. He take you away. We can’t clean. We won’t do those things. And fill you with formaldehyde. Cleaning you all you away. Later. When they’ll bring you back here. Again.