I've heard you talk, sometimes, and I've heard you say that you had to change your prescription three times before you and the doctor found the right thing. If I'm going to have problems like that, then I want to get them over with as soon as possible, is all. I just want to be ready for when I am ready to start having sex."
Andrea looked like she wanted to argue the matter, but I cleared my throat, and when she looked at me, I gave my head a minute shake to let her know not to. She turned back to Emma (and a visibly stunned Gail), and told her "You're asking for something pretty serious, you know. I'll have to think about it before I can say what I'll do. For now, I think it's time you two went home."
Gail and Emma both looked at me, and I gave them as reassuring a smile as I could before they started toward the door. When they were gone, Andrea turned to me and demanded "Why did you want me to stop talking to her?"
"Because it looked like you were about to make a pretty big mistake, and do something that I don't think you would have been very happy about afterwards."
"What do you mean?"
"It looked like you were about to start arguing with her about it, and I don't think it would have done you any good. You'd probably keep trying to argue with her about it, and not getting anywhere, until you finally said something that would probably sound like a threat to her. I've got the distinct impression that she's pretty damn serious about what she wants; I think you'd know it, too, if you'd stop and think about it. So if you DID say something like that, she wouldn't back down — which means that you'd either have to back down yourself, or actually follow up on what you said. I don't expect that you'd be willing to back down, being her mother and all, so you'd do what you said you would. Except that she's as serious about what SHE wants as you are about what YOU want, so she wouldn't figure that she had any choice but to do what she meant to in the first place. That wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that what we're talking about here is so damn serious, and potentially irreversible."
"How so?"
"Andrea, we're talking about your daughter here, and whether or not she has birth control when she needs it. Think about it, dammit! If she's thinking about sex seriously enough to ask you to help her get birth control, do you honestly think that she's going to give up on the idea just because you tell her 'no'? Or do you think she'll just go with whatever she can get hold of, and roll the dice? I looked it up one time, and the Pill and IUDs are the most reliable methods available; everything else comes in pretty far back. So if she can't use something that she needs a doctor visit for, the chance that she actually gets pregnant goes up pretty damn fast — and I'm sure you realize that 'pregnant' isn't a 'little bit' kind of thing; she can't be only forty percent pregnant because the foam or gel or whatever she used was sixty percent effective. I think if I hadn't stopped you then, you'd probably have ended up in an argument with her, and finally told her you wouldn't do it. Then when she decided she was ready, she'd have to settle for something that didn't work as good as she could have gotten if you'd helped her — and she'd almost certainly find herself pregnant way sooner than she'd be ready to take care of a baby. I think you'd better stop thinking about her like she's still your little girl, and realize that she's becoming a young woman, and that she's going to want — have! — to start learning how to make her own decisions so she can grow up. She's damn near fifteen, Andrea, and if she'd having periods, then she's at least physically able to get pregnant and have kids. You can't keep treating her like she's still five years old, because she isn't, and never will be again. Are you really ready to start being called 'Grandma' just because you got pissed off and told her something you shouldn't have?"
I could see I'd stunned her, and took a deep breath before continuing "I'm telling you what I think, but I'm only going to tell it to you once; if you can't or won't help her learn how to be an adult, then you're either going to lose her completely because she feels like she has to get away by running away or moving out — sooner than she should, probably — so she isn't smothered by you, or you're going to have her for the rest of your life because you won't turn her loose. From the day you gave birth to her, your job was to teach her how to become an adult — responsible, mature, and thinking. She told you she wanted to get started on birth control, and why; and from where I sat, it sure as hell sounded like she was doing just what you should be wanting her to.
You need to decide if you're going to help her be those things; or if you're going to let the fact that you don't like what she wants get in the way, and fuck everything up."
It was the first time I'd ever spoken to Andrea that way — either tone or language, and it definitely got her attention. How much impact it had, or good it would do… those were remained to be seen. But from the expression on her face, I knew that she couldn't deny to herself that the problem wasn't really as simple or obvious as she thought it was, or pretend she didn't know just how high the stakes were.
She also knew what I thought — not just about what Emma had asked, but what she, Andrea, was doing… and how, and why. When she looked into my face and eyes, she also knew that I wasn't going to apologize for what I'd said, or how I'd said it; and that I damn sure wasn't going to "discuss" it.
Saying that she needed to get home and make sure the girls had finished their homework, she excused herself and left. I knew there was a distinct possibility that I'd completely pissed her off… but if it got her thinking before she gave Em an answer, I figured it was worth it. I spent the rest of the evening deep in my own thoughts.
Emma came over by herself the next afternoon, and as she was sitting on my lap, I told her "Em, if you'd said something to me before last night, maybe I could have helped by talking to your mom, first. I think you know that you surprised her pretty bad. Surprised me, too, but her the worst."
"I know I could have talked to you first, Gary. But it's my life, and body, and everything; and I have to learn to start learning the being grown up and responsible stuff that you talk to me and Gail about. I'm just sorry that Mom started to act the way she did. I was afraid she was going to tell me 'no', and that I was, like, grounded, or something!"
I gave her a hug, and told her "You have to remember that even though you're almost fifteen, you're still her daughter; and no matter how old you get, sometimes she's still going to think of you as her little girl. That's just part of being a parent, I think. After last night, I think she's maybe starting to understand that you are growing up — at least, a little bit" — that earned me a dirty look, until she realized I was teasing her — "but it's still going to take a little while before she really understands it in her heart, and not just in her head. Just like there are times when you wish you could have done something differently, it wouldn't surprise me if she wishes she could have talked to you differently last night. I know it isn't easy, but try to remember that just like it's hard for you to get her to understand that you're growing up, it's hard for her to accept."
She sat there in silence for a little while, then looked up at me to ask "What did you think about what I wanted for my birthday?"
That was the thing that had been on my mind most after Andrea left, so I was able to answer
"After you and Gail left, I told your mom that I thought you were being mature and responsible, and that I thought it showed you were really thinking about things before you did them. Like you said, it's your life and your body, and you have to be responsible for them. I know you're still a virgin, and it's not for me to say when you decide not to be, or who you're with. I just want to ask you to make sure, first, and be careful about who and when and how. From what I've heard from other women, your first time should be something special, so that you're happy to remember it afterwards. I told you I love you, and I mean it; and it would hurt me, too, if you did it before you were really ready. Okay?"