Perhaps it was from my dream but I remembered my first Christmas Eve in America. I slept and woke just like this, in a Chinese restaurant. I was working there. But it was in a distant place, in St. Louis. And I woke to snow. The first snow I had ever seen. It scared me. Many Vietnamese love to see their first snow, but it frightened me in some very deep way that I could not explain, and even remembering that moment — especially as I woke from sleep at the front of another restaurant — frightened me. So I turned my face sharply from the window in the Plantation Hunan and that’s when I saw Mr. Cohen.
I stared at those parts of his face, like I said, and maybe this was a way for me to hide from the snow, maybe the strangeness that he saw in my face had to do with the snow. But when his eyebrows jumped and I did not say anything to explain what was going on inside me, I could see him wondering what to do. I could feel him thinking: Should I ask her what is wrong or should I just ask her for my carry-out? I am not an especially shy person, but I hoped he would choose to ask for the carry-out. I came to myself with a little jolt and I stood up and faced him — he was sitting in one of the stuffed chairs at the next table. “I’m sorry,” I said, trying to turn us both from my dreaming. “Do you have an order?”
He hesitated, his eyes holding fast on my face. These were very dark eyes, as dark as the eyes of any Vietnamese, but turned up to me like this, his face seemed so large that I had trouble taking it in. Then he said, “Yes. For Cohen.” His voice was deep, like a movie actor who is playing a grandfather, the kind of voice that if he asked what it was that I had been dreaming, I would tell him at once.
But he did not ask anything more. I went off to the kitchen and the order was not ready. I wanted to complain to them. There was no one else in the restaurant, and everyone in the kitchen seemed like they were just hanging around. But I don’t make any trouble for anybody. So I just went back out to Mr. Cohen. He rose when he saw me, even though he surely also saw that I had no carry-out with me.
“It’s not ready yet,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay,” he said, and he smiled at me, his gray beard opening and showing teeth that were very white.
“I wanted to scold them,” I said. “You should not have to wait for a long time on Christmas Eve.”
“It’s okay,” he said. “This is not my holiday.”
I tilted my head, not understanding. He tilted his own head just like mine, like he wanted to keep looking straight into my eyes. Then he said, “I am Jewish.”
I straightened my head again, and I felt a little pleasure at knowing that his straightening his own head was caused by me. I still didn’t understand, exactly, and he clearly read that in my face. He said, “A Jew doesn’t celebrate Christmas.”
“I thought all Americans celebrated Christmas,” I said.
“Not all. Not exactly.” He did a little shrug with his shoulders, and his eyebrows rose like the shrug, as he tilted his head to the side once more, for just a second. It all seemed to say, What is there to do, it’s the way the world is and I know it and it all makes me just a little bit weary. He said, “We all stay home, but we don’t all celebrate.”
He said no more, but he looked at me and I was surprised to find that I had no words either on my tongue or in my head. It felt a little strange to see this very American man who was not celebrating the holiday. In Vietnam we never miss a holiday and it did not make a difference if we were Buddhist or Cao Ðài or Catholic. I thought of this Mr. Cohen sitting in his room tonight alone while all the other Americans celebrated Christmas Eve. But I had nothing to say and he didn’t either and he kept looking at me and I glanced down at my hands twisting at my order book and I didn’t even remember taking the book out. So I said, “I’ll check on your order again,” and I turned and went off to the kitchen and I waited there till the order was done, though I stood over next to the door away from the chatter of the cook and the head waiter and the mother of the owner.
Carrying the white paper bag out to the front, I could not help but look inside to see how much food there was. There was enough for two people. So I did not look into Mr. Cohen’s eyes as I gave him the food and rang up the order and took his money. I was counting his change into his palm — his hand, too, was very large — and he said, “You’re not Chinese, are you?”
I said, “No. I am Vietnamese,” but I did not raise my face to him, and he went away.
Two days later, it was even earlier in the day when Mr. Cohen came in. About four-thirty. The grandfather had just chimed the half hour like a man who is really crazy about one subject and talks of it at any chance he gets. I was sitting in my chair at the front once again and my first thought when I saw Mr. Cohen coming through the door was that he would think I am a lazy girl. I started to jump up, but he saw me and he motioned with his hand for me to stay where I was, a Single heavy pat in the air, like he’d just laid this large hand of his on the shoulder of an invisible child before him. He said, “I’m early again.”
“I am not a lazy girl,” I said.
“I know you’re not,” he said and he sat down in the chair across from me.
“How do you know I’m not?” This question just jumped out of me. I can be a cheeky girl sometimes. My mother says that this was one reason I am not married, that this is why she always talks about the boy I was once going to marry in Vietnam, because he was a shy boy, a weak boy, who would take whatever his wife said and not complain. I myself think this is why he is driving a taxi in H
Chí Minh City. But as soon as this cheeky thing came out of my mouth to Mr. Cohen, I found that I was afraid. I did not want Mr. Cohen to hate me.
But he was smiling. I could even see his white teeth in this smile. He said, “You’re right. I have no proof.”
“I am always sitting here when you come in,” I said, even as I asked myself, Why are you rubbing on this subject?
I saw still more teeth in his smile, then he said, “And the last time you were even sleeping.”
I think at this I must have looked upset, because his smile went away fast. He did not have to help me seem a fool before him. “It’s all right,” he said. “This is a slow time of day. I have trouble staying awake myself. Even in court.”
I looked at him more closely, leaving his face. He seemed very prosperous. He was wearing a suit as gray as his beard and it had thin blue stripes, almost invisible, running through it. “You are a judge?”
“A lawyer,” he said.
“You will defend me when the owner fires me for sleeping.” This made Mr. Cohen laugh, but when he stopped, his face was very solemn. He seemed to lean nearer to me, though I was sure he did not move. “You had a bad dream the last time,” he said.
How did I know he would finally come to ask about my dream? I had known it from the first time I’d heard his voice. “Yes,” I said. “I think I was dreaming about the first Christmas Eve I spent in America. I fell asleep before a window in a restaurant in St. Louis, Missouri. When I woke, there was snow on the ground. It was the first snow I’d ever seen. I went to sleep and there was still only a gray afternoon, a thin little rain, like a mist. I had no idea things could change like that. I woke and everything was covered and I was terrified.”