“I did have,” I said. “I handed it over to the returned King Arthur. He’s back, Julien. King Arthur has come back to us.”
“Any other day, that news would have gladdened my heart beyond measure,” said Julien. “But what can one man, even such a man, do against a whole army of elves?”
“Well,” I said, “he may not have an army of his own, but he knows a man who does. In fact, I’ve had a really good idea. Do what you can to buy me some time, Julien; and I’ll come back with reinforcements that will really make your eyes pop.”
“Taylor!” said Julien, as I flipped open the gold pocket-watch. “Don’t you dare disappear on me! You’re the Walker now!”
But I was already on my way, back to Strangefellows.
When I reappeared in the bar, Kae was leading everyone in a really quite appalling drinking song, “’Twas on the Good Ship Venus.” Complete with hand gestures. Arthur looked like he was having the time of his life. Alex was beating out the rhythm of the song on the bar top with both hands. Suzie was doing her best to join in, even though she has a singing voice like a goose farting in a fog. Even the vulture was dancing excitedly on top of the till.
I did my best to get them all to shut up and pay attention, but when that failed, I had no choice but to give Suzie one of our little secret signals. She immediately stopped singing, drew the shotgun from its holster on her back, and fired both barrels into the air. The song cut off abruptly in mid verse. In the sudden silence, bits of the ceiling fell down. Arthur and Kae swung round to face me, their hands on the swords at their sides. Alex hid behind the bar, and the vulture hid behind the till. I gave Arthur my best I-mean-business glare.
“The elves have come to the Nightside. They’re out there right now, killing people, while you’re having a party. And these are not the elves you remember so fondly, Arthur. They’re hunting and butchering people for the sport of it.”
“Then we must stop them,” Arthur said immediately. “Kill them all for daring to war on Mankind. And to send whoever may be behind this invasion a very definite message. It’s always best to negotiate from a position of strength and vindictiveness. Kae, are your London Knights ready for battle?”
“Always,” said Kae. “Simply say the word, Sire.”
“The word is given, my brother. If the elves want war, we shall show them what war really is.”
“But I have to get back to Castle Inconnu, to raise my army,” said Kae. “And we don’t have time to go by any of the usual routes.”
Everyone looked at me.
“The Portable Timeslip won’t take us past all the protections you’ve put in place,” I said. “Which means, we’re going to have to ask a certain someone for help. A certain individual with a great many Doors ...”
“Oh bloody hell,” said Suzie. “Not the Doormouse again.”
Arthur gave me a hard look. “Am I to understand we have to beg assistance from a mouse?”
“He’s a very nice mouse,” I said.
Kae was already grinning broadly. “Oh, I think you’re going to like this one, Arthur.”
The Portable Timeslip took all of us to the Doormouse’s excellent establishment. Alex stayed behind, to lock up and barricade the bar against any passing elves who might decide they had a bit of a thirst on. The rest of us appeared right outside the shop, and Arthur looked round interestedly. He’d never seen the Nightside itself before. Half the street-lights had been smashed, and a few dead bodies lay here and there; but otherwise, it was pretty quiet. Many of the shops were closed and boarded up, but the neon lights still blazed brightly. It could have been just another Saturday night. Arthur sniffed.
“A bit gaudy, for my tastes.” He looked round sharply as a whole building at the end of the street exploded. His hand went to Excalibur on his hip.
“Let’s get the army first,” I said quickly. “And, let’s get inside before anyone sees us.”
“I do not run from the enemy,” Arthur said sharply.
“You do if they outnumber you thousands to one,” said Kae.
“Oh well, in that case,” said Arthur. “Good to see you stayed awake during some of my strategy classes, Kae.”
“You were a rotten teacher, Arthur. Rotten. And I really hated those snap tests.”
“They were good for you.”
“So is cod-liver oil.”
“Do they still use that?”
I glared them both into silence, then led the way into the shop. It hadn’t changed. The Doormouse came bustling cheerfully forward again, doing up the front of his white coat and checking that his pens were lined up in the proper order in his top pocket. Then he saw Suzie and me and stopped dead in his tracks. He made the sign of the extremely cross and started to say something really cutting; but then he saw King Arthur and Kae in their armour, and ran out of breath. His large brown eyes grew even larger, his back straightened, his long whiskers twitched excitedly ... and then he charged forward and threw himself into Arthur’s arms. The Doormouse hugged him tightly and rubbed his furry face against Arthur’s.
“It’s you! It’s really you! You’ve come back, you’ve come back! We’ve been waiting so long for your return, Your Majesty! I mean, I’m just an old hippy in a mouse body, but I’ve read every book about you I could find. And seen all the films! Welcome back, King Arthur!”
The Doormouse pressed his fuzzy face against Arthur’s breast-plate and looked up at him adoringly. Arthur clung to what was left of his dignity.
“Does anyone happen to know whether this mouse I’m holding is male or female?”
The Doormouse let go immediately and scurried backwards to bow repeatedly. “Sorry! Sorry! Got carried away there, a bit. Sometimes I can’t help feeling I’d have been better off as a badger. They handle their emotions so much more properly. King Arthur, what brings you to my humble establishment? Everything I have is yours! Except you can’t actually take anything with you, of course. The Doors don’t move. As such. Am I babbling? It feels like I’m babbling, and that big scary woman is growling at me again.”
“Do you, by any chance, happen to have a Door that will transport us inside Castle Inconnu?” I said.
“Oh poo,” said the Doormouse, his whiskers drooping. “Someone told you.”
“It’s hard to keep a secret in the Nightside,” I said. “Though actually I was guessing. Jerusalem Stark had to get those elves into the castle somehow, and your Doors seemed the safest bet.”
The Doormouse sighed. “Knew that one would come back to bite me on my furry arse. In my defence, he did pay me an awful lot of money.”
Kae glared at the Doormouse. “You created a secret backdoor into Castle Inconnu?”
“I build Doors for people,” the Doormouse said quickly. “What use they put them to is none of my business. I’m only a craftsman. Craftsmouse.”
“You’re about to be a dead craftsmouse,” said Kae. “You’ll make an excellent rug for my office.”
“No, Kae,” said Arthur. “He has agreed to help us. Haven’t you, Sir Mouse?”
Kae was still glaring. “Where’s the Door?”
“In the display area, of course. My Doors are always here. I make them, and people make use of them, but they never leave my shop. Far too dangerous. I do have scruples, you know, even if you can’t see them past all the fur.”
“And when were you intending to inform the London Knights that you possessed a secret backdoor into their Castle?” said Kae.
“I’m almost sure I would have got round to it,” said the Doormouse. “Eventually.”
“Okay, that’s it,” said Kae. “It’s rug time.”
“Take it easy,” I said to Kae. “You can’t expect morality from a mouse.”
“Well quite,” said the Doormouse. “That’s why I became one.”
“Take us to the Door,” I said.
The Doormouse bobbed his head quickly, to all of us, and several times to King Arthur, then scurried away into the deeper recesses of his shop. The Doors were still standing there, in their ranks, waiting to be used. I kept an eye out for one particular Door I’d seen earlier and stopped before it. The others stopped with me. The Doormouse came hurrying back to see what we were all looking at. It was a Door like all the others, except for the brass combination lock in its centre.