`Then why is it so hard for you to understand that I want to quit? I don't want to have what happened at San Sobel ever happen again! I can't stand for it to happen again! So I quit, now, forever, and that's the end of it, and I don't care what the rules are!'
He knew he had crossed some line, but he didn't care. Even his fear could not control him. He hated who and what he had been. He had met Stefanie, and there was something special happening there. For the first time in years, he was feeling alive again.
The Indian walked right up to him and Ross flinched in spite of himself, certain he was about to be struck. But the big man stopped before reaching him, and the flinty eyes bore deep into his own,
'Did you think, when you accepted your charge, you would
make no mistakes in carrying it out? Did you think no innocents would die as a result of your actions' Did you think the world would change because you had agreed to serve, and the strength of your concoctions alone would be enough to save the lives you sought to protect? Is that what you thought, John Ross? Were you so full of pride and arrogance? Were you such a fool?`
Ross flushed, but held his tongue.
'Let me tell you something about yourself' The Indian's wards were as sharp as knives. `You are one man serving a cause in which many have given their lives. You are one man in a long lime of men and women, one only, and not so special that you could ever afford to hope you might make a significant difference. But you have done the best you could, and no more was ever asked. The war between the Word and the Void is a long and difficult one, and it has been waged since the beginning of time. It is in the nature of all life that it must be waged - That you were chosen to take up the Word's cause is an honour. It should be enough that you have been given a chance to serve.'
'But you disgrace yourself and our cause by denigrating its purpose and abdicating your office. You shame yourself by choosing to renounce your calling. Who do you think you are? The burden of those children's deaths is not yours to bear. Yours is not the hand that took their lives; yours was not the will that decreed those lives must be sacrificed. Such choices and acts belong to a power higher than your own'
Ross felt the tendons in his neck go taut with his rage. `Well, it feels as if they are my responsibility, and I'm the one who has to live with the consequences of their dying because of my efforts or lack thereof, and blaming it on the Word or fate or whatever is a whole lot of bullshit! Don't try to tell me it isn't something I should think about! Don't try to tell me that! I do think about it. I think about it every day of my life. I see the faces of those children, dying in front of me. I see their eyes ….'
He wheeled away, tears blurring his vision. He felt defeated. `I can't do it anymore, and that's all there is to it. You can't make me do it, O'olish Arnaneh. No one can'
He went silent, waiting for whatever was going to happen next, half believing this was the end for him and not caring if it was.
But the Indian did not move. He was so still he might have been carved from stone.
`The consequences of accepting responsibility for the lives of others are not always pleasant. But neither are the consequences of abdicating that same responsibility. What is certain is that you cannot pretend to be someone other than who you are. You made a choice, John Ross. Failure and pain are a part of the price of your choice, but you cannot change that by telling yourself the choice was not binding. It was. It is'
The big man's voice dropped to a whisper. 'By behaving as
you do, you present a danger to yourself. Your self–deception places
you at great risk. Whatever you believe, you are a Knight of the
Word. You cannot be otherwise. The creatures of the Void know
this. They will come for you. They will steal your soul away. They
will make you their own'
Ross shook his head slowly. `No, they wont. I won't let them'
`You wont be able to stop it.'
Ross met his gaze. `If they make the attempt, I will resist. I will resist to the point of dying, if that's what it takes. I may no longer be in service to the Word, but I will never serve the Void. I will never do that.'
O'olish Amaneh looked out the window into the snow covered landscape, into the somnolent white. `The Void wants your magic at its service, and it will do what it takes to obtain it. Subverting you will take time and effort and will require great deception, but it will happen. You may not even realise it until it is too late. Think, John Ross. Do not lie to yourself.'
Ross held out the black staff `If you take this from me now, the Void can do nothing. The solution is simple'
The Indian made no move. He kept his gaze directed away, his bode still. 'Others have suffered a loss of faith. Others have tried to abandon their charges. Others like you. They have been warned. Some thought they were strong. They have all been lost. One way or the other, they have been lost'
He looked at Ross, solemn–faced and sad–eyed. `You will go down the same path if you do not heed me.'
They faced each other in silence, eyes locked. Then O'olish Amaneh turned without a word and went out the door and was gone, and John Ross did not see him again.
But he thought about him now, riding the trolley to Pioneer Square, stepping off onto the platform at Main, and walking back to the offices of Fresh Start. He thought about everything Two Bears had told him. The Indian and blest had given him essentially the same warning, a veiled suggestion that the danger he posed by refusing to continue as a Knight of the Void would not be ignored and that measures would be taken to bring him back in line.
But did those measures include eliminating him? Would the Lady really send someone to kill him? He thought maybe she would. After all, five years ago he had been sent to kill Nest Freemark in the event she failed to withstand the assault of her demon father. Why should it be any different now, with him? They could not chance losing him to the Void. They could not let him become a weapon for their enemy.
Last in thought, he slowed as he approached the entry to the shelter. Why did everyone think such a thing could happen? What could the Void possibly do to subvert him that he wouldn't recognise and resist? There was his dream, of course, and the danger that it might somehow come to pass and he would kill Simon Lawrence. But the events of that dream would never happen. There was no reason far them to happen. And in any case, he didn't really believe his dram and the Lady's warning were connected.
He shook his head stubbornly. Only one thing bothered him about all this. Why had the Lady sent Nest to warn him? She could just as easily have sent Ariel. He would have given the tatterdemalian's warning the same consideration he was giving Nest's, Why send the girl - The Lady couldn't possibly believe that Nest would have a greater influence on him than O'olish Amaneh. No, something else was going on, something he didn't understand. His instincts told him so. He walked into the reception area at Fresh Start, said hello to Della, gave Ray Hapgood a perfunctory wave on his way back to the office, and closed the door behind him. He sat in his chair with his elbows on his desk and his chin in his hands, and tried to think it through.
What was he missing? What was it about Nest's coming to find him that was so troubling?
He was getting exactly nowhere when Stefanie Winslow walked in.
`You're back,' she said. `How did it go?'
He blinked. `Haw did what go?'
She gave him an incredulous look. 'Your lunch with your old flame's daughter. I assume that's where you've been.' She took the chair across from him. 'So tell me about it'
He shrugged, uncomfortable with the subject. `There's nothing to tell. She was in town and decided to look me up. I don't know how she even knew I was here. I haven't seen or spoken with her in five years. And that stuff about her mother is-'