Stewart Henderson Britt 1907–79 American advertising consultant
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
Stephen Leacock 1869–1944 Canadian humorist
The consumer isn’t a moron; she is your wife.
David Ogilvy 1911–99 British-born advertising executive
asked why he had made a commercial for American Express:
To pay for my American Express.
Peter Ustinov 1921–2004 British actor
Don’t sell the steak, sell the sizzle.
Elmer Wheeler American salesman
Advice 
Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
Nelson Algren 1909–81 American novelist
Consult, v. To seek another’s approval of a course already decided on.
Ambrose Bierce 1842–c.1914 American writer
Be yourself. That’s the worst advice you could give an impressionist.
Rory Bremner 1961– British impressionist and comedian
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist
appearing as an agony aunt:
QUESTION: My fiancé gave me a car, a mink coat, and a stove. Is it proper for me to accept these gifts?
GABOR: Of course not! Send back the stove.
Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917–2016 Hungarian-born actress
Always buy a good pair of shoes and a good bed—if you’re not in one you’re in the other.
Gloria Hunniford 1941– British broadcaster, advice from her mother
It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk or running for office.
Shirley MacLaine 1934– American actress
Don’t accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange as hell.
Robin Morgan 1941– American feminist
When in doubt buy shoes.
Marcelle D’Argy Smith British journalist
Dr Ruth says we women should tell our lovers how to make love to us. My boyfriend goes nuts if I tell him how to drive.
Pam Stone 1959– American comedian
Above all, gentlemen, not the slightest zeal.
Charles-Maurice de Talleyrand 1754–1838 French statesman
Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.
Harry S. Truman 1884–1972 American Democratic statesman
Ageing
see also MIDDLE AGE, OLD AGE
It’s sad to grow old—but nice to ripen.
Brigitte Bardot 1934– French actress
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns 1896–1996 American comedian
Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.
G. Norman Collie
The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women.
Diane de Poitiers 1499–1566 French mistress of Henri II
Life begins at 40—but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell the same story to the same person three or four times.
William Feather 1889–1981 American writer
I’m over the hill, but nobody prepared me for what was going to be on the other side.
Jane Fonda 1937– American actress, on being 70
QUESTIONER: Which of the Gabors is the oldest?
ZSA ZSA: She vould never admit it, but it’s Mama.
Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917–2016 Hungarian-born actress
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope 1903–2003 American comedian
the new five ages of man:
Lager, Aga, Saga, Viagra, Gaga.
Virginia Ironside 1945– English journalist
A woman telling her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price to an Armenian rug dealer.
Mignon McLaughlin 1913–83 American writer
When you’ve reached a certain age and think that a face-lift or a trendy way of dressing will make you feel twenty years younger, remember—nothing can fool a flight of stairs.
Denis Norden 1922– English humorist
George, you’re too old to get married again. Not only can’t you cut the mustard, honey, you’re too old to open the jar.
LaWanda Page 1920–2002 American comedienne, at a dinner to honour George Burns
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Leroy (‘Satchel’) Paige 1906–82 American baseball player
I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, ‘Blue goes with everything’.
Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne
Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Charles Monroe Schulz 1922–2000 American cartoonist
One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that, would tell one anything.
Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet
Ambition
seeing a commemorative stone engraved ‘Laid by the Poet Laureate’ (John Masefield):
Every nice girl’s ambition.
John Betjeman 1906–84 English poet
At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
Salvador Dali 1904–89 Spanish painter
The average Hollywood film star’s ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian, married to an Englishman, and have a French boyfriend.
Katharine Hepburn 1907–2003 American actress
For years politicians have promised the moon, I’m the first one to be able to deliver it.
Richard Milhous Nixon 1913–94 American Republican statesman
Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.
P. J. O’Rourke 1947– American humorous writer
When I was a child, my mother said to me ‘If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general. If you become a monk, you’ll end up as the Pope.’ Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.
Pablo Picasso 1881–1973 Spanish painter
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin 1939– American comedienne and actress
on being advised against joining the overcrowded legal profession:
There is always room at the top.
Daniel Webster 1782–1852 American politician
America
see also TOWNS
California is a fine place to live—if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen 1894–1956 American humorist
I had forgotten just how flat and empty it [middle America] is. Stand on two phone books almost anywhere in Iowa and you get a view.
Bill Bryson 1951– American travel writer
When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin 1937–2008 American comedian
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.