Alan Ayckbourn 1939– English dramatist
Of course he [William Morris] was a wonderful all-round man, but the act of walking round him has always tired me.
Max Beerbohm 1872–1956 English critic, essayist, and caricaturist
The joy of conceptual art is that the description is everything. Oh yes, there is real artistry at work here. It just isn’t on the walls but in the catalogue descriptions.
Benet Brandreth 1975– English lawyer
The thing what makes you know that Vernon Ward is a good painter is if you look at his ducks, you can see the eyes follow you around the room.
Peter Cook 1937–95 English comedian and actor
If I were alive in Rubens’s time, I’d be celebrated as a model. Kate Moss would be used as a paint brush.
Dawn French 1957– British comedy actress
on attempting to paint two actors, David Garrick and Samuel Foote:
Rot them for a couple of rogues, they have everybody’s faces but their own.
Thomas Gainsborough 1727–88 English painter
It’s amazing what you can do with an E in A-level art, twisted imagination and a chainsaw
Damien Hirst 1965– English artist
I don’t want justice, I want mercy.
William Morris ‘Billy’ Hughes 1862–1952 British-born Australian statesman, on having his portrait painted
when Carl André’s Equivalent VIII consisting of 120 bricks was exhibited at the Tate Gallery :
I think the fellow needs to have his hod examined.
Osbert Lancaster 1908–86 English writer and cartoonist
‘What are you painting?’ I said. ‘Is it the Heavenly Child?’ ‘No’ he said, ‘It is a cow.’
Stephen Leacock 1869–1944 Canadian humorist
Dali is the only painter of LSD without LSD.
Timothy Leary 1920–96 American psychologist
Monet began by imitating Manet, and Manet ended by imitating Monet.
George Moore 1852–1933 Irish novelist
To me, the Mona Lisa just looks like she’s chewing a toffee.
Justin Moorhouse 1970– English comedian
Epstein is a great sculptor. I wish he would wash, but I believe Michelangelo never did, so I suppose it is part of the tradition.
Ezra Pound 1885–1972 American poet
I don’t think rock’n’roll songwriters should worry about Art ... As far as I’m concerned, Art is just short for Arthur.
Keith Richards 1943– English rock musician
on the probable reaction to the painting of the subjects of Turner’s Girls Surprised while Bathing:
I should think devilish surprised to see what Turner has made of them.
Dante Gabriel Rossetti 1828–82 English poet and painter
The photographer is like the cod which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.
George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist
I always ask the sitter if they want truth or flattery. They always ask for truth, and I always give them flattery.
Ruskin Spear 1911–90 British painter
I doubt that art needed Ruskin any more than a moving train needs one of its passengers to shove it.
Tom Stoppard 1937– British dramatist
the ingredients for a successful exhibition:
You’ve got to have two out of death, sex and jewels.
Roy Strong 1935– English art historian
There is only one position for an artist anywhere: and that is, upright.
Dylan Thomas 1914–53 Welsh poet
Painters are so bitchy. Magritte told Miró that Kandinsky had feet of Klee.
Dick Vosburgh 1929–2007 American writer
advice on how to become an artist:
All you need to know is which end of the brush to put in your mouth.
James McNeill Whistler 1834–1903 American-born painter
Yes—one does like to make one’s mummy just as nice as possible!
James McNeill Whistler 1834–1903 American-born painter, on his portrait of his mother
in his case against Ruskin, replying to the question: ‘For two days’ labour, you ask two hundred guineas?’:
No, I ask it for the knowledge of a lifetime.
James McNeill Whistler 1834–1903 American-born painter
on the ‘Old Masters’:
They are all old but they are not all masters.
James McNeill Whistler 1834–1903 American-born painter
All that I desire to point out is the general principle that Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life.
Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet
Audiences 
The best audience is intelligent, well educated, and a little drunk.
Alben W. Barkley 1877–1956 American politician
How can I tell the age of the audience out there? I stand in the wings and count the HEAVY SIGHS as they take their seats.
Gyles Brandreth 1948– English writer and broadcaster
They were really tough—they used to tie their tomatoes on the end of a yo-yo, so they could hit you twice.
Bob Hope 1903–2003 American comedian
There was laughter in the back of the theatre, leading to the belief that someone was telling jokes back there.
George S. Kaufman 1889–1961 American dramatist
I know two kinds of audiences only—one coughing, and one not coughing.
Artur Schnabel 1882–1951 Austrian-born pianist
The play was a great success, but the audience was a total failure.
Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet
Australia
Australia is a huge rest home, where no unwelcome news is ever wafted on to the pages of the worst newspapers in the world.
Germaine Greer 1939– Australian feminist
When New Zealanders emigrate to Australia, it raises the average IQ of both countries.
Robert Muldoon 1921–92 New Zealand statesman
In Australia,
Inter alia,
Mediocrities
Think they’re Socrates.
Peter Porter 1929– Australian poet
By God what a site! By man what a mess!
Clough Williams-Ellis 1883–1978 British architect, of Sydney
Autobiography
see also BIOGRAPHY
An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last instalment missing.
Quentin Crisp 1908–99 English writer
Autobiography—that unrivalled vehicle for telling the truth about other people.
Philip Guedalla 1889–1944 British historian and biographer
Next to the writer of real estate advertisements, the autobiographer is the most suspect of prose artists.
Donal Henahan 1921–2012 American music critic
reviewing James D. Watson The Double Helix:
Like all good memoirs it has not been emasculated by considerations of good taste.
Peter Medawar 1915–87 English immunologist and writer
Every autobiography ... becomes an absorbing work of fiction, with something of the charm of a cryptogram.
H. L. Mencken 1880–1956 American journalist and literary critic
To write one’s memoirs is to speak ill of everybody except oneself.
Henri Philippe Pétain 1856–1951 French soldier and statesman