PLACIDIO
Okay, well, maybe you don’t understand
the question so good, but which of the
great Shakespeare’s plays would you
choose to do?
ROBERT
I understood you perfectly — I am a
great aficionado of the Bard, and I would
propose we take on In the Park. That one.
Its full name is Shakespeare in the Park.
The other prisoners, who’ve never given a second look to Robert, are suddenly on his side in a big way. Their energy gathers in a restless mummering, but they silence when Placidio puts up his hand—
PLACIDIO
Wait, motherfuckers, wait! There’s no
such thing, man. I don’t think…
ROBERT
Uh, indeed there is. I saw it many years
ago. More than once. It was great. They
performed it outside, just as Shakespeare
intended!
Rafalio, no friend of Robert’s (he tried to kill Robert once…a day, for the past four years), is suddenly on his enemy’s side—
RAFALIO
Yeah, I’ve heard of it. The best play ol’
Bill Shakespeare ever wrote.
EDDIE
I know it, too! Shakespeare in the Park!
They do it every year in my hometown.
New York.
Placidio hesitates, he is not on firm footing here—
PLACIDIO
Okay, slow down, look…you mean, you
saw a Shakespeare play, like Othello, or
Richard the Third, or Hamlet…IN THE
PARK. Right? Yeah?
LUIS
I don’t know about that…it was just
called Shakespeare in the Park when
I saw it.
Charlie, thirty-four and obese, with fine features and extensive facial tattoos, completely out of his league, suddenly butts in—
CHARLIE
(growing more sure of himself as he speaks)
Yeah, me too…I saw that play, too. Yeah.
I loved it. I love Shakespeare, all of him,
but this one…yes, is his best.
LUIS
Yeah, man, it had everything.
PLACIDIO
Like what, then? What happens in it?
LUIS
Well, this kid slept with his mother, the
queen…
PLACIDIO
That’s Hamlet…
RAFALIO
Oh, yeah, and then this Dad-King killed
his sons…
PLACIDIO
Richard the Third…
CHARLIE
…then at the end, the sprite from the
Garden told them all the moral!
PLACIDIO
Well, that’s Midsummer Night’s Dream,
man! You got it wrong—
LUIS
No, YOU got it wrong — it’s
Shakespeare’s greatest play: In the Park!
It’s what we want and we won’t settle for
anything less…right, guys?!
All the prisoners start pounding on their desks…
PRISONERS
In the Park…In the Park…In the Park!
The Director, scarier than the rest of the inmates, begins to back off — a riot is about to begin! Suddenly the door opens and a GUARD and WARDEN DANIELS enter.
WARDEN DANIELS
What the hell? Quiet down! All of you!
The Guard waves his gun and the prisoners quiet down.
WARDEN DANIELS (CONT’D)
The heck is going on in here, Placidio?
PLACIDIO
These motherfuckers, they can’t decide which
play they want to do for the next round.
LUIS
We did decide! We want to do
SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK!
The prisoners cheer, but the Warden is skeptical, until—
ROBERT
Placidio said it was our choice and we
choose Shakespeare in the Park—what’s
wrong with that? I love that play, it’s
dear to me, it’s dear to all of us, it’s got
everything: romance, betrayal, fresh air,
sunlight! It’s the Bard’s most rewarding
entertainment yet!
Warden Daniels takes this in, then remembers he doesn’t give a shit.
WARDEN DANIELS
Oh…well, go ahead. It’s one of my
favorites.
The prisoners cheer and hug each other!
WARDEN DANIELS (CONT’D)
But I’m warning you! It’s not taking
place in some fake park here in the
prison; if we do it, we do it in a real
park, outside! Theater is already so
fakey, it makes me sick. I want to feel
something — you got me?! Make me see
eternity!
The prisoners nod…hell, yeah. As they celebrate, Placidio throws his hands up in the air — what has he wrought? And we hear the narrator answer his query…
NARRATOR (V.O.)
All of Cell Block Three escaped
during the first on-site rehearsal of the
production.
(beat)
But their understudies from Cell Block
Five went on in their place and made
theater history.
WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF FIRE
In case of fire, do not panic: the historic Dubonot Hotel, aka “The Piano Hotel,” built in 1914, will be fine. Over its storied history, the historic Dubonot—“The Hotel with a Player Piano in the Lobby”—has played host to more than 275 (reported) fires — and just look at it! Look around you! The old gal is fine. Some plaster is missing, sure, but we can replace that, and we will, we will. Basically, these kinds of things happen to this hotel all of the time.
Why so many fires? This is probably due to the fact that the historic “Dubonot: the Hotel with the Indefatigable Music Machine” was built directly over a little-known natural-gas fissure in San Francisco’s bedrock. One side effect of this constant seepage of natural gas is the delectable aroma of raw eggs wafting about every nook and cranny. In 1989, Chef Jeremy of Pierre’s, our in-house restaurant, decided to turn a negative into a positive and set out to make the best omelets in the city. He has succeeded spectacularly and is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for “cracking the most eggs per year” and for “surviving the most kitchen fires of any chef, ever” (229 fires).
Built in 1916, the historic Dubonot is not, as rumor has it, “always” on fire. It is, more aptly put, “usually” on fire. Another word that springs to mind is oftentimes. Our “famous” lobby has had a continuously playing player piano since 1969, and only eighty-seven of the fires have ever burned it down completely. Seventy-eight fires were put out before making it to the lobby, one hundred and thirty-seven of our fires were kept to the basement level, and only fifty-six fires were determined enough to destroy the player piano itself. Mysteriously, one hundred and eighty-seven fires that were started by arson were started near or within the piano itself — as though in retribution for its never-ending merrymaking.
While a fire engulfs the Historic Dubonot Hotel, please avoid the elevators and use the stairs.
THE SECOND MEETING OF JESUS AND LAZARUS
Everybody knows the story of how Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.