Except you. You forgot. The details. The “deets.” Sheesh. Okay, here goes…
It seems Lazarus, the brother of Mary from Bethany, had fallen sick, deeply sick, in the way people living in the desert at that time did. This was only a short while after Jesus left town — he’d been there “teaching” and being worshipped. Laz’s sister had actually washed Jesus’ feet. Nice. Anyway, Jesus was on his general roving “mission” when his sixth sense got to tingling. He knew he had to return. But get this: by the time he got back, Lazarus had been in the tomb for four days, so he was good and dead. Now, that didn’t stop Jesus, who marched right into the tomb alone and came out with Lazarus right beside him, whistling and winking all the way. Okay, I’m not sure he was whistling and winking, but I’ll bet he felt like doing both. After all, Lazarus had been dead, and now he wasn’t. An “exponential qualitative change,” if ever there was such a thing.
So that’s the nutshell of it all, but hold up — this wasn’t the only time Jesus and Lazarus had a face-to-face. A few months later, they met again. Jesus was outside a temple trying to look inconspicuous, taking a break from messiah-ing, and Lazarus traveled for a day and three nights — one day he was sidetracked due to the heat, and finally he arrived at the J-man’s vicinity and ran right up to him, breathless, to thank him and ask a few questions…
I think it might have gone like this.
[To be read aloud to yourself in the voice of Bob Newhart.]
Jesus! Hey, Jesus! Hi…hey…it’s me.
What do you mean you don’t remember me? You helped me.
No, I’m sure you DO help “a lot of people.” But I think you’ll remember me — I mean, you REALLY helped me.
I’m Lazarus! The dead guy! You made me alive again! Yeah, that Lazarus! Right. Yeah, so…I wanted to say “thank you” and…if you don’t mind, ask a question or two. Yeah? Okay, well. First, in case you’re wondering, I’m fine. Lovin’ life, TCB and all that — I mean, my foot fell asleep last week, and that gave me a scare, but I just shook it around and everything’s fine. (chuckles)
Yeah, my question…well, my question is simply this: am I ever going to die?
I will. I’ll die…again? Wow, you seem pretty sure — you spoke pretty quick there. Sure, I believe you, I just…I guess the follow-up to that, then, would be…where and when and…how will I die…again. [awkward laugh]
You know but won’t say? Yeah, I figured you might have that kind of rule. I guess you’d have everybody badgering you if you didn’t. Fair enough, but, uh…just one more thing, if I DO die again, I mean, WHEN I die a second time, will you be…stopping by to…bring me back from the dead again? Or, was that a onetime deal?
One-time only. Got it.
Are you sure?
“Pretty sure.” Like, how sure? Is there a twenty percent chance that you would raise me up again? Fifteen? No? Ten? Three? Less than three percent? No chance. Okay. Wow. That’s…
No, I understand. I’m not disappointed, per se…I may not want to keep coming back to life, but…what if I ask? I mean, what if I asked you to raise me from the dead, you know, as I’m dying?
Still a no. Wow, you’re pretty committed to this. Okay. I mean — it seems a bit unfair. Just, I already died once, it wasn’t pleasant, now I get to do it again. I’m not complaining, but…
What’s that? If I believe in you I will live forever? So, then I won’t die?
Oh, so you’re saying “figuratively” I will live…in some heaven, somewhere? What’s that like? What happens there?
So it’s sort of a limbo place where everyone sings your praises all day and night? Hmm…yeah, well, no, I get why you think it’s a pretty great place. It sounds…
My dead relatives will all be there? Are you trying to make it sound less attractive? Anyway, thanks again for…you know—that one time, and I guess I’ll see you around, ’kay?
[LAZARUS walks away, thoughtful, but gets only a short way before he turns around and runs up to Jesus with a big grin on his face—]
Hold up a second — I get what you’re doing here! Last time I died I was dead for four days before you raised me up! You wanted me to think it was going to go on forever! Then you popped in and Boom! I’m up! What are you going to do this time? Make me wait five days? Tssss… You’re prankin’ me! You’re hustling my ass!
Oh — you really mean it, you’re NOT going to raise me up again? I don’t believe you, man…I can see your smile — you don’t fool me. Nice one…nice try.
[LAZARUS winks and walks away, nodding his head and grinning. Jesus stares at the ground, shaking his head.]
ACTUAL-FACTUAL NEW JESUS FACTS
A fresh new Dead Sea Scroll was discovered and deciphered last year, and some fascinating facts about the historical figure of Jesus have come to light.
1. Jesus Christ went by the name Jesus and was only called “Geez” by his closest friends.
2. He NEVER used the name Jesus H. Christ as we know it. However, there are documents signed “Holy Christ” and “Christ Almighty.” There is no record of him appearing under the moniker “Jesus Christ Almighty” or “Gee Whiz.”
3. He once hosted a comedy-benefit-revue-style show for lepers where he appeared in drag as “Geez Louise.”
Famous Quotations — Unabridged
“A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous. Oh, and shallow — really, really shallow.”
— Coco Chanel
SO YOU WANT TO GET A TATTOO!
“A tattoo is forever.” —Steven Hawkings*
FIRST, PAUSE!
It’s true: a tattoo, drawn in permanent ink, will stay on your body forever, so you need to make the RIGHT CHOICE. You need time to think about the possibilities, contemplate what has meaning for you, and consider how the image will age with you in time. With this in mind, we have the three criteria you should follow for tattoo hunting:
1. Do Not Be in a Hurry.
2. Do Not Be Drunk.
3. Do Not Be Drunk and in a Hurry.
These are simple directives, but if you cannot follow them, we understand. It’s very common for these simple rules to be discarded in the face of the notion of getting a permanent tattoo permanently drilled into your skin forever and ever.
So, you’re set on it, are you? You are getting a tattoo, and you’re drunk, and you have to do it right now? Fine. Glad I made that first list. Onward.
MAKE A LIST OF THINGS YOU LOVE!
You need to make a list of things you love. These cannot be things you love today, or this week, or even this year. These must be things you’ve loved for a long, long time. Below is an example list. This is not necessarily the list you would make, but it’s close enough so that you can use it, since you’re drunk and in a hurry.
Example Tattoo List:
1. Mom (yours)
2. Favorite movie (e.g., The Big Lebowski)
3. Girlfriend’s name (e.g., “Jane”)
4. Favorite rock band (e.g., “RUSH”)
5. Favorite album/year (e.g., 2112)
6. Celtic/yin-yang design
7. Something you like, have always liked, and will always like (e.g., “A Piece of Chocolate Cake”)