I already told my kids: when I die, no parades. No parades and no holiday, either. Keep it simple. I just want a simple statue. A simple, life-size statue, to scale — except in the crotch. Give yer pops a boost there for old times’ sake, and mount that statue on a simple granite base in the foyer of the White House. That’s all. Because I’d like to be remembered as just another great American with a slightly larger-than-normal-sized endowment in the crotch, thank you very much.
People whom I haven’t seen in a while come up to me and say, in a tone of upbeat surprise, “Bob, is that you? Wow, you look great!” And it doesn’t come across as a compliment, because I look “okay,” just okay. So then I have to wonder: how old, tired, bald, and paunchy did you think I would be by now? Did you think that the next time you saw me I would be a sagging, flabby, hairy sweatball you could hardly recognize if my personal nurse didn’t tell you who I used to be? What do you think I’m doing when you aren’t seeing me standing right in front of you? Sitting in the sun eating burgers, drinking beer, listening to soft rock, and melting? I got a life, dammit! Give me some credit.
OTHER BOOKS BY THIS AUTHOR
SO YOU WANT TO WRITE A BOOK?
In this masterpiece of the how-to genre, Bob Odenkirk asks his readers questions such as You want to write a book? Really? Why? Wasn’t this one good enough for you? What about the other twenty billion books you can pick up for free at the library? Oh, I get it, none of them contain your life story. Are you sure? Have you checked? Double-check.
CATALOG OF MY FEELINGS
A list — literally a list—of the author’s feelings. Not numbered. Neither in alphabetical nor chronological order. No commentary is made, no specifics are given, nothing concrete is described. Set a world record for “most uses of the word angry in a book.” Fascinating.
HOW TO RECYCLE PAPER
A twelve-pound book printed on 100 percent recycled heavyweight card-stock paper. Achieves its aim.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Bob Odenkirk is stuck under a cat holding someone’s wine and a stinky old pipe.
Inspired by Monty Python, Bob and Ray, and shows he’d seen at Chicago’s Second City Theatre, Bob started writing sketches for his classes in junior high. He went on to write for Saturday Night Live (where he wrote the “Motivational Speaker” sketch), and The Ben Stiller Show (where he wrote the infamous “Manson Lassie” sketch). Bob went on to create (and star in) Mr. Show with Bob and David, which has been called “the American Monty Python.” He goosed along the creation of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! on Adult Swim and was a key element in the birth of The Birthday Boys on IFC.
As an actor, Bob has had memorable roles as the agent Stevie Grant on The Larry Sanders Show, the character of Saul Goodman on AMC’s Breaking Bad, as well as in Alexander Payne’s Oscar-nominated film Nebraska. He will reprise his Breaking Bad role in Better Call Saul, a new spin-off series on AMC.
Bob’s comedy scripts and short essays have appeared in the New Yorker, VICE, Filter, and elsewhere.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I’d like to thank Mike Sacks for coaxing me on, Dave Eggers for making it come to life, Andrew Leland and Dan McKinley for making it look sharp, and Sharon Alagna for taking my author photo. Miss Sally Pemberton’s introduction was graciously provided by Megan Amram. Cover and interior illustrations are by Tony Millionaire. Proud Gay Grampa comic was illustrated by Scott C. “Didn’t Work for Me,” “Portrait of the Artist,” “A Vision of the Future,” and “Where I Got These Abs” originally appeared in the New Yorker (or at newyorker.com) in slightly different form. Lastly, thanks to the Directors and Members of the LilyGuild NY Local 214, without whose support this work would not have been possible.