And so we went our separate ways. Now I’m lonely again, making dinner for one. But I still believe in love, and dream of meeting a taciturn woman with a sour air, few delights, and the inability to laugh at anything at all.
AN ANGEL OF THE LORD
An Angel of the Lord came unto me. I thought that was cool. Worth mentioning, anyways. It told me that I could ask any question I had and I’d get the truth. So I asked: “Which religion is right and true?” He thought for a moment and said, “I cannot specify by name, but TWO religions are true.” “Two?” I said. “How can that be?” He shrugged and said, “What can I say…that’s the way it is.” I said, “Can you possibly help me narrow it down?” He nodded and said, “Okay, I shouldn’t do this, but — I can tell you that Scientology is NOT one of the true ones. Does that help you?”
“No,” I said. “No, that does not help.”
Famous Quotations — Unabridged
“If you can dream it, you can do it. Not ‘you.’ I mean ‘me.’ I was talking to myself. Did you hear me just now? Forget I said that.”
— Walt Disney
MY EDUCATION, OR, THE EDUCATION OF A ME, OR, I NOT DUMB
Everything I learned I learned on the streets. The streets taught me very little algebra and absolutely NO organic chemistry. Class was always in session, but there were no desks and no teachers responsible to check on attendance, so class may as well have never been in session. I’ll tell you what, though, I learned that adults are full of baloney and kids are little shits, and I don’t know how much more learnin’ is really necessary.
At home I learned about love, and how to dole it out in tiny increments that never deplete the wellspring of self-involvement. When you give too much love too freely, you inevitably find yourself caught up in other people’s messy lives. Yech.
My fashion sense came from sorting through old laundry and choosing the stuff on top.
Did I mention hip-hop saved my life? That’s because it did not.
I owe my family for my sense of humor. I don’t owe them money. I don’t have any money. I’ve never been paid for anything.
Whew…did they leave yet? Good. Actually, I’m very very rich.
Famous Quotations — Unabridged
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. But please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill
LOUVRE AUDIO TOUR FOR HOMEOWNERS
Welcome to the Louvre Audio Tour for Homeowners, English Language Version.
The Louvre is the world’s most famous art museum and the most popular tourist site in Paris. With more than thirty-five thousand works of art and sixty thousand square meters of exhibition space, there is a lot to see. Choose any wing and start walking and this audio tour can begin.
With more than two hundred thousand visitors tramping through every year, the Louvre has wisely chosen hardwood floors over carpet. Carpeting would have meant vacuuming. Constantly vacuuming. I mean nonstop vacuuming. Trust me, these wood floors take their toll in blood, sweat, and waxing, so if you think we’re getting off easy, think again. The notion of making people take off their shoes by the front door has been raised and dismissed numerous times. Can you imagine the disaster that would be? People taking the wrong pair of shoes, people forgetting their shoes and walking out into Paris with bare feet, people suing the museum because they got some disease from the gutters of Paris? Forget it, just forget it…not gonna happen.
When you get to the end of the gallery, turn right — or left, whichever way you want, it doesn’t matter — and you’ll see that most of the halls are lit by natural sunlight streaming through skylights. Nice, right? However, that doesn’t mean this joint doesn’t use up frickin’ light bulbs by the case. How many frickin’ light bulbs? More than 120 a week, and they’re not easy to replace, either, my friend. Can you see how high some of these ceilings are? Those are some tall ladders we have to use. Heck, we’ve got guys who, all they do is change light bulbs. At least that’s how it feels sometimes. Cripes. I’m not complaining, but whoever has the light-bulb concession across the street from this place is rollin’ in it — it costs a pretty franc, I can assure you.
In fact, it takes a staff of more than two thousand to keep this place up, and that’s not counting the security for all these paintings and statues and things. Have you seen the glass pyramid? I bet you’d hate to have to clean that! Trust me, you would, I’ve spoken to the people who have to clean it and they hate it. Guess how much Windex it takes to wash all of them windows? Tons. Two-point-two tons per year. We weighed it.
Speaking of security, what’s to keep somebody from just walking over to a painting when things are slow and tearing it out of its frame, jamming it under their jacket, and wandering out the door, whistling all the way? Well, every single painting and statue is rigged with wires, and the slightest touch sets off an alarm. Plus there are more than two hundred cameras in the ceiling, all being watched over by guards in some room somewhere. Then you’ve got the guys who watch the guards and the guys who watch the guys who watch the guards. I’m joking, but it’s not that funny when you get the bill at the end of the month. Sometimes we wish we had paintings that weren’t so “special” or “rare,” but try selling that idea at a board meeting, trust me — you get shouted down real quick.
Let’s look at some of the paintings. What’s the first thing you notice about the paintings in the Louvre? That’s right: the frames are fancy. Some of them are nicer than the paintings! Guess what else they are? Dust magnets. It’s crazy. It’s like they generate dust! These things have to be dusted, gently, like every three weeks. You can’t use Pledge on them, either, you have to use this super-gentle approved wood-oil concoction or they’ll rot. I’m not making this up! It’s a real pain in the ass. Still thinking of starting your own museum? You must be crackers.
Have you seen the paintings on the ceilings yet? Some of these rooms have as many paintings on the ceiling as they do on the walls! How did they get them up there? They have these giant scaffoldings and they have to put them together each time they check or clean or change a painting. The paintings are so far away you can hardly see ’em anyways. Plus, at least twice a year some French guy has to poke around up there with this long broom-handled duster or it would be cobweb city!
You may be wondering as you wander these halls, why did they have to make it so fancy? Let me tell you something, bub, people long ago, they had a lot of time on their hands. If I had lived five hundred years ago I wouldn’t have spent my time carving a bunch of wood so it could be hung forty feet in the air somewhere, I would have been trying to invent air-conditioning.
Well, that’s the basics of this place. After you see it, you have to admit, the Louvre is a heckuva museum — a real piece of work. If you find an open bench, grab it. Here’s how many benches there are in the Louvre: not enough. I’ve suggested they put in a bench for every painting that’s boring or just “eh,” but no one listens to me or any of my “ideas” anymore. Whatever. You’re probably pooped by now. Believe me, I know how you feel, I work here.