BELIAYEV. You, Natalya Petrovna! . . .
NATALYA PETROVNA. Yes, yes, I love you. Vera was not deceived and has not deceived you. I have loved you from the very day you arrived here, but I only recognized it yesterday. I don't mean to justify my conduct. It has been unworthy of me ... but anyway you can understand now, you can make allowance for me. Yes, I was jealous of Vera; yes, I was planning to marry her to Bolshintsov, so as to get her away from you and from myself; yes, I took advantage of my position, of my being older, to find out her secret and--of course I didn't reckon on that--I betrayed myself. I love you, Beliayev; but let me say, it's only pride that forces me to confess it... the farce I have been playing revolts me at last. You cannot stay here. . . . Indeed, after what I have just told you, you will no doubt feel very awkward in my company, and you will want to get away as quickly as possible. I am certain of that. It is that certainty has given me courage. I confess I shouldn't like you to think badly of me. Now you know everything. . . . Perhaps I have spoilt things for you . . . perhaps, if all this had not happened, you might have cared for Verotchka. ... I have only one plea to urge, Alexey Nikolaitch. ... It has all been beyond my control. [She pauses. She has said all this in a rather calm and measured voice, not looking at BELIAYEV. He is silent. She goes on with some agitation, still not looking at him.] You don't answer me? But I understand that. There's nothing for you to say to me. The position of a man receiving a declaration of love when he feels no love is too painful. I thank you for your silence. Believe me, when I told you ... I love you, I was not pretending ... as before; I was not counting on anything; on the contrary, I wanted at last to throw off the mask, which I can assure you I'm not used to wearing. . . . And indeed, what's the use of affectation and duplicity, when everything's known; why pretend when there's no one to deceive? Everything is over between us now. I will not keep you. You can go away without saying another word to me, without taking leave of me. I shall not think it discourteous, I shall be grateful to you. There are circumstances in which delicacy is out of place . . . worse than rudeness. It seems we were not destined to know each other better. Good-bye! Yes, we were not destined to know each other . . . but at least I hope that now you no longer look on me as an oppressor, a furtive and deceitful creature. ... Good-bye for ever. [BELIAYEV in distress tries to say something, but cannot.] You are not going?
BELIAYEV [bows, is about to go, and after a struggle with himself turns back]. No, I can't go. ... [NATALYA PETROVNA for the first time looks at him] I can't go away like this! Natalya Petrovna, you said just now . . . you didn't want me to carry away unpleasant memories of you, and I don't want you to think of me as a man who . . . Oh dear! I don't know how to say it. ... Natalya Petrovna, I'm sorry. ... I don't know how to talk to women like you. . . . Up to now I've only known . . . quite ordinary women. You said that we were not destined to be friends, but, good God, how could an ordinary almost uneducated fellow like me ever dream of being anything to you? Think what you are and what I am! Think, could I dare to dream? . . . With your bringing up. ... But why talk of that. ... Just look at me ... this old coat and your sweet-scented clothes.... My God! Oh yes, I was afraid of you and I'm afraid of you still. ... I thought of you, without any exaggeration, as a being of higher order, and now . . . you, you tell me that you love me . . . you, Natalya Petrovna! Me! ... I feel my heart beating as it never has in my life; it's not beating merely from amazement, it's not that my vanity's flattered. . . . No, indeed . . . vanity doesn't come in now.... But I... I can't go away like this, say what you like!
NATALYA PETROVNA [after a pause, as though to herself]. What have I done?
BELIAYEV. Natalya Petrovna, for God's sake, I assure you . . .
NATALYA PETROVNA [in a changed voice]. Alexey Nikolaitch. If I did not know you are an honest man, and incapable of deceit, God knows what I should think. I might regret having spoken. But I trust you. I don't want to hide my feelings from you; I am grateful for what you have just said. Now I know why we have not been friends. ... So it was nothing in me myself that repelled you. . . . Only my position. . . . [Breaks off.] It's all for the best, of course . . . but now it will be easier for me to part from you. . . . Good-bye. [Is about to go out.]
BELIAYEV [after a pause]. Natalya Petrovna, I know that it's impossible for me to stay here . . . but I can't tell you what's going on in me. You love me. . . . I'm positively terrified to utter those words . . . it's all so new to me ... it seems as though I'm seeing you for the first time, hearing you for the first time, but I feel one thing, I must go. ... I feel I can't answer for anything. . . .
NATALYA PETROVNA [in a faint voice]. Yes, Beliayev, you must go.... Now after what you have said, you can go. . . . And can it be really, in spite of all I have done. . . . Oh, believe me, if I had had the remotest suspicion of all you have just told me, that confession would have died in me, Beliayev. ... I only meant to put an end to all misunderstandings, I meant to expiate, to punish myself, I meant to cut the last thread. If I could have imagined. . . . [Hides her face.]
BELIAYEV. I do believe you, Natalya Petrovna, I do. And I, too ... a quarter of an hour ago . . . could I have imagined. . . . It's only to-day, during our interview before dinner that I felt for the first time something extraordinary, incredible, as though a hand had squeezed my heart, and such a burning ache. ... It is true that before then I had, more or less, avoided you and even not liked you particularly, but when you told me to-day that Vera Alexandrovna fancied . . . [Breaks off.]
NATALYA PETROVNA [with an involuntary smile of happiness on her lips]. Hush, hush, Beliayev; we mustn't think of that. We must not forget that we are speaking to each other for the last time . . . that you are going to-morrow. . . .
BELIAYEV. Oh yes! I'll go to-morrow! Now I can go. ... All this will pass. . . . You see I don't want to exaggerate. . . . I'm going ... to take what God gives! I shall take with me a memory, I shall never forget that you cared for me. . . . But how was it I didn't know you till now? Here you are looking at me now. . . . Can I have ever tried to avoid your eyes? . . . Can I ever have felt shy with you?
NATALYA PETROVNA [with a smile]. You said just now that you're afraid of me.
BELIAYEV. Did I? [A pause.] Really.... I wonder at myself. ... Is it I, I talking so boldly to you? I don't know myself.
NATALYA PETROVNA. And you're not deceiving yourself?
BELIAYEV. How?
NATALYA PETROVNA. In thinking that you . . . [Shuddering.] Oh? good God, what am I doing? . . . Beliayev. . . . Help me. . . . No woman has ever been in such a position. It's more than I can bear indeed. . . . Perhaps it's for the best, everything is ended at once; but anyway, we have come to know each other. . . . Give me your hand and good-bye for ever.
BELIAYEV [takes her hand], Natalya Petrovna ... I don't know what to say at parting . . . my heart is so full. God give you. . . . [Breaks off and presses her hand to his lips.] Good-bye. [Is about to go out by door into garden.]
NATALYA PETROVNA [looking after him]. Beliayev.. ..
BELIAYEV [turning]. Natalya Petrovna. . . .
NATALYA PETROVNA [pausingfor some time, then in a weak voice]. Stay. . . .