She didn't answer. It was her turn to be stopped.
This conversation hurt. It was not the conversation I wanted to have with her.
"No," she said, finally. "Don't do that. Finish the mission." Her tone was odd, but I understood what she wasn't saying aloud: We don't know what's at the bottom of that hole. It might be important. We'll have the rest of this argument when you get home.
"You can count on that. There's something big under those trees-and I'm going to find out what it is."
"I suppose there's nothing I can say that will convince you to reestablish the uplink."
"I don't think so," I said.
"Not even the fact that I'm worried about you?"
"You play dirty, lady."
"I have that kind of mind."
"I've always liked your dirty mind."
"Jim, please-"
"Sorry."
"You know, you're putting me in a very difficult situation. Politically, I mean."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"No. I don't think you do know. Dr. Zymph is in a very difficult position. A lot of the cooperation she gets from the military is dependent on the good will of General Wainright. And Randy Dannenfelser is the channel through which most of this gets handled-"
"That still doesn't give him the right to put me in a situation where I and my troops might be killed-"
"No, it doesn't. And I promise you, I'll raise this issue where it needs to be raised; if necessary, with the Commander-in-Chief. But in the meantime-"
"In the meantime, bend over and smile, right?"
"I wish you wouldn't put it that way."
"I'm sorry," I said. "If Dr. Zymph wants to phone me as a civilian, I'll be glad to chat with her. I'll even send her everything she's classified to receive as a civilian. But none of this information is going to be made available through the military channels, at least not by me, not until I can depend on unconditional backup."
"Jim, listen to me. If you reopen the channel now, you'll have won, you'll have made your point. And I can make a stink where it counts."
"Uh-uh. If I reopen the channel now, everyone will know that I backed down because you asked me to. And if you raise a stink, it'll be seen as mommy protecting her little boy again. I can't reopen the channel."
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
I shrugged. "I'm sorry too. But I don't see what else I can do."
Lizard thought for a moment. "Would you accept an apology from Dr. Shreiber? Or even from Dr. Zymph." She was still trying to find a way out of this dilemma.
"Dr. Shreiber obeyed an order that was totally out of line. She should have told Dannenfelser to go fuck himself, but she didn't. And even if she apologizes now, the damage is still done. Besides, she can't apologize without admitting she made a grievous error; They'd pull her certification. Be real. She can't do that. She's safer going with the program."
"Dr. Shreiber is one of Dr. Zymph's most trusted assistants. She knows what's at stake. If Dr. Zymph asked her-"
"No. Even if she did, it still wouldn't work." I shook my head angrily. "It won't work, Lizard. Because it wasn't Dr. Shreiber's decision to cut me off, or Dr. Zymph's. That came from higher up. Uh-uh. The integrity of the whole support policy has to be reaffirmed now; not just for me, but for every poor dumb schmuck out here on the end of a phone line. I'm really sorry, sweetheart, but I have to take this stand."
Lizard didn't answer immediately. The silence stretched out so long that I began to wonder if she'd broken the connection. "Lizard?"
"I'm still here."
"Nothing to say?"
She sighed in slow exasperation. "This is going to make things a lot worse for you, Jim."
"I can handle it if you can."
"That's the problem. I'm not so sure I can."
"Say again?"
"This is about you now, not us. I won't go down with you."
"I see," I said.
"There're things happening," she said. "I can't talk about them-not even on a scrambled channel. I wish you'd trust me on this."
"Are you asking me as my commanding officer or my lover?"
"Yes," she said.
After a long hesitation, I said, "I really wish I could do this for you, Lizard. But… I won't do it for you as my commanding officer, and I can't do it for you as my lover. Because-as much as I love you, I don't really know where I stand, do I?"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"When General Wainright ordered my replacement as the science officer on the Brazilian mission, did you stand up for me then?"
"Jim-I can't talk on this channel. I can't tell you what you need to know. I can only ask you to trust me."
"That's the one thing I can't do. Our relationship has been damaged too."
"I see."
"I can't do this, Lizard. I want to, but I can't. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too," she said. The edge in her voice was heartbreaking.
"Good-bye-" I broke the connection.
This time, I ordered Willig to cut the time and position channel too.
When we first began cataloguing the various pieces of the Chtorran infestation, most of the plants we observed had very dark leaves, allowing them to absorb most of the light that hit them. The predominant colors were dark purple, blue, black, and of course, red. This suggested to us that they had evolved under a very dim sun, or on a planet that was at a considerable distance from its sun, or some combination of the two factors.
Since then, as our gathering and cataloguing techniques have improved, we have discovered many new species of Chtorran plant life with much lighter-colored foliage than we previously believed possible. We are now seeing foliage in shades of light magenta, lavender, pink, and even pale blue. We are also seeing a much greater tendency toward color variegation in individual species; intricate patterns of white, orange, yellow, pink, and the softer shades of red are not uncommon.
Several possibilities for this are currently under consideration:
First, we suspect that the seeds of various Chtorran species may have been disbursed haphazardly across the surface of the Earth, without regard for climate or season. The overall distribution of the forms we have catalogued so far shows no recognizable pattern or plan; we may be seeing many of these species out of their appropriate zone. Certainly, we are seeing them in abnormal relationships to seasonal changes.
A working hypothesis suggests that the darker flora may represent the kind of plant life available in the polar to mid-temperate regions of Chtorr-those areas that receive the least direct light from the planet's primary. Plants with lighter-colored leaves, especially those tending toward the red end of the scale, may represent tropical or equatorial species, where the need to reflect away excess light and heat is more immediate.
A second possibility, not inconsistent with the first, is that we are only now beginning to see second- and third-growth forms; specifically, that many of these lighter-colored species could not establish themselves until their partner-species had first established an ecological beachhead.
At present, the evidence remains inconclusive
—The Red Book,
(Release 22.19A)
Chapter 15
Discovery
"I have to dream big. I only have time to get half of it done."
-SOLOMON SHORT
Willig didn't say anything. She just shook her head to herself and kept on working.
"I'll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself," I said. "I didn't say a thing."
"You were thinking too loud."
"Sorry. I forgot. I'm not being paid to think." She swiveled back to her station and busied herself with some routine task.
I glowered at her back, but it wasn't Willig I was angry at. I was angry at myself. Of course… it would still be very easy to just reach out and flip the red switch over. I even let my fingers slide halfway toward it before I stopped myself. No. I couldn't.