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the valet that the mystery was solved at last and that the name was nothing
more nor less than Whyllie.
And I wonder what the devil she can want with me, Transome?
The valet again made a brilliant suggestion that if he would take the pains to read the letter he would in all likelihood discover. So with a very bored air the perfumed soldier read the note right through, and threw it down upon the dressing-table with a great smile of self-complacency.
She desires me to wait upon her this afternoon, my good fellow. She wishes positively to let bygones be bygones, and desires that I will bury all past differences by partaking of an hours hospitality from their house. She also states that she has a wealthy niece but just returned from India, and she desires that this same niece may have the privilege of meeting the cream of the Rye bachelors. My dear fellow, what a truly terrible age we do live in! I have never heard of such daring and unblushing matchmaking. Well, I suppose it is a thing
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that we must expect in a Godforsaken little hole of a place like this, where the available bachelors are few indeed and possess not the smallest knowledge of how to decently deport themselves, much less their clothes.
Besides, sir, the valet ventured to remark, the red cloth of the military has a great attraction for matchmakers. It is always so very respectable, and it carries a most remarkable tone with it, to be sure, sir.
Well, I think I will go, at all events, went on the insufferable, and throw my eye over the niece, though I really cannot expect much in the beauty line, for she will probably be forty if shes a day, judging by the ancient aunt. However, it will not be such a bad sport leading her on a bit. Have you ever practised the amusing art of exciting elderly spinsters? If not, do, my dear fellow, for it has its humour, and, really now, humour is about all that is left to us nowadays, isnt it? Hurry up, my good fellow! No, you dolt, I am not on duty. What do I want my sword for? Swords get most damnably between your legs at
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the wrong moment. They really are positively useless lumber. I cannot think why they are not abolished. Damned clanky things, always in the wrong place, and tripping one up when least on ones guard. Ill take my cane. No, no, you positive Judas, the one with the scarlet tassle of course. And my perfume box no, no, thats a snuffbox. I hate snuff. You know that I always endeavour to leave it behind whenever possible, for it has a most damnable habit of getting up my nose and bringing on the most acute attacks of sneezing. Now my hat andno, perhaps not the cloak. A cloak, my good fellow, has a most annoying habit of hiding the curve of the waist. And I really do think that even my most bitter detractors must own that my waist curve is entirely and absolutely right. Now how are we, eh? Has the most criticising valet in the world got anything to remedy, anything to suggest? I think we can do little else with the cravat?
It would be passed by Mister Brummel himself.
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Then we are ready, are we? Au revoir, therefore, my estimable friend! Keep your spirits up, and dont forge my name to a check in my absence! With which piece of jocular raillery Captain Tuffton, the military lady-killer, swaggered out of the room, swinging the red-tasselled cane, and humming in well-modulated tenor a Spanish love song in very bad Spanish; but that didnt matter, as nobody was any the wiser, and literally tripping into Watchbell Street, he approached the little white front door behind which were waiting three good people, preparing a most superb ambuscade for the insufferable captain to walk into, an ambuscade that was going to very effectually put an end to the military swagger of this scent-breathing officer. He rang the bell languidly, little thinking it a tocsin of battle and of sudden death.
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Chapter 35
Scylla or Charybdis
Captain Tuffton could certainly not complain of his reception, for the lawyer was positively nervous in his endeavours to please, while Mrs. Whyllie, in her anxiety to let bygones be bygones, positively basked in the sunshine of his glory, and as to Imogenewell, she at least had the speedy satisfaction of knowing that her appearance had caused havoc in the heart of the lady-killer. And so you are back from India? he said to the beautiful niece. So it appears, sir, answered Imogene, with a roguish smile.
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Ah, yes. Of course it is only too obvious, answered the military one, for here you are, arent you now? Its a beastly place out there, I suppose, now isnt it? I never could abide elephants or snakes!
La, sir, then you must not venture there, for they abound most vastly, answered Imogene. Mrs. Whyllie by this time was tittering behind her fan, and old Whyllie looked greatly troubled at the whole proceedings.
A devilish climate, too, for the complexion, isnt it? stroking his smooth, weak chin.
La, sir, indeed if you say that, I must take it as a poor compliment to myself.
Do not mistake me, I beg, urged the officer, for in your case the Indian sun has been most gentle. He has kissed you with a light handera light mouth, indeed. Lucky sun, lucky sun!
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You are being vastly gentle with my complexion, sir, but I perceive you to be a most accomplished courtier and a turner of beautiful compliments.
Madam, I speak from my heart, I assure you.
Whoever heard of Captain Tuffton possessing one? tittered Mrs. Whyllie.
You wrong me, Madam, I assure you, declared the glorious one with conviction. My poor heart is too large for my scarlet tunic, I assure you. It was an empty shell this morning, I confess, but the beauty of your accomplished niece, which it has been drinking in with rapture, has filled that poor receptacle and made it swell and stretch with the very throes of deep emotion.
La, sir, how prettily you turn the English tongue! How the Indians would adore you, sir!
Poohpooh, indeed, said Mrs. Whyllie with a great show of decorum, you must not take for gospel what the captain says. He is a very prince of dandies;
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indeed, he is second only to the Regent and Mister Brummel in all manners of
deportment. I never trust dandies myself entirely.
Oh, Madam, pray, pray, make me the exception.
No, Captain, for you are not only a dandy, but a soldier, and soldiers are another class I distrust.
Ah, Madam, lisped the officer, you are cruelty itself.
I cannot help it, my dear sir. Soldiers are not to be trusted, and well you know it. They walk about with gay apparel, appearing the most gentle of creatures, but we know how dangerous they are, aye, dangerous both morally and physically, with their minds full of most terrible conquests planned against poor women, and their pockets stuffed to the bursting point with explosives and weapons.
La, Madam, you are mistaken, upon my soul. Take my case now as an example: I came here, I confess it, with thoughts of conquest in my mind, but I
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am conquered, I am vanquished, I am beaten most damnably myself. The eyes
of your niece have sown my very foundations with salt.
Indeed, sir, thats bitter! exclaimed Imogene, blushing.
And as to the belief that soldiersofficers, that isare loaded with explosives and weapons, why, pish! Madam, it is a fallacy, I assure you. We leave explosives to the sergeants and our weapons to our orderlies. It is not only most damnably dangerous to carry firearms on our person, but it is most damnably damaging to the set of ones clothes. Indeed, I declare that the cream of the army would retire if carrying weapons was insisted upon.