I went out into the corridor and began pacing up and down, the way expectant fathers do in B-movies. Christina’s gynecologist arrived about half an hour later and gave me a huge smile. I noticed a cigar in his top pocket, obviously reserved for expectant fathers. ‘It’s about to happen,’ was all be said.
A second doctor whom I had never seen before arrived a few minutes later and went quickly into her room. He only gave me a nod. I felt like a man in the dock waiting to hear the jury’s verdict.
It must have been at least another fifteen minutes before I saw the unit being rushed down the corridor by a team of three young interns. They didn’t even give me so much as a second glance as they disappeared into Christina’s room.
I heard the screams that suddenly gave way to the plaintive cry of a newborn child. I thanked my God and hers. When the doctor came out of her room I remember noticing that the cigar had disappeared.
‘It’s a girl,’ he said quietly. I was overjoyed. No need to repaint the bedroom immediately flashed through my mind.
‘Can I see Christina now?’ I asked.
He took me by the arm and led me across the corridor and into his office.
‘Would you like to sit down?’ he asked. ‘I’m afraid I have some sad news.’
‘Is she all right?’
‘I am sorry, so very sorry, to tell you that your wife is dead.’
At first I didn’t believe him, I refused to believe him. Why? Why? I wanted to scream.
‘We did warn her,’ he added.
‘Warn her? Warn her of what?’
‘That her blood pressure might not stand up to it a second time.’
Christina had never told me what the doctor went on to explain — that the birth of our first child had been complicated, and that the doctors had advised her against becoming pregnant again.
‘Why hadn’t she told me?’ I demanded. Then I realized why. She had risked everything for me — foolish, selfish, thoughtless me — and I had ended up killing the one person I loved.
They allowed me to hold Deborah in my arms for just a moment before they put her into an incubator and told me it would be another twenty-four hours before she came off the danger list.
You will never know how much it meant to me, Father, that you came to the hospital so quickly. Christina’s parents arrived later that evening. They were magnificent. He begged for my forgiveness — begged for my forgiveness. It could never have happened, he kept repeating, if he hadn’t been so shortsighted and prejudiced.
His wife took my band and asked if she might be allowed to see Deborah from time to time. Of course I agreed. They left just before midnight. I sat, walked, slept in that corridor for the next twenty-four hours until they told me that my daughter was off the danger list. She would have to remain in the hospital for a few more days, they explained, but she was now managing to suck milk from a bottle.
Christina’s father kindly took over the funeral arrangements.
You must have wondered why I didn’t appear and I owe you an explanation. I thought I would just drop into the hospital on my way to the funeral so that I could spend a few moments with Deborah. I had already transferred my love.
The doctor couldn’t get the words out. It took a brave man to tell me that her heart had stopped beating a few minutes before my arrival. Even the senior surgeon was in tears. When I left the hospital the corridors were empty.
I want you to know, Father, that I love you with all my heart, but I have no desire to spend the rest of my life without Christina or Deborah.
I only ask to be buried beside my wife and daughter and to be remembered as their husband and father. That way unthinking people might learn from our love. And when you finish this letter, remember only that I had such total happiness when I was with her that death holds no fears for me.
Your son,
Benjamin.
The old rabbi placed the letter down on the table in front of him. He had read it every day for the last ten years.