“Hoy! Castle!” the Guard called out. “Open up! The Baron has sent a new prisoner for Repair Detail.”
There was a pause, then—with a groan—the gates swung open. They were thicker than Agatha had first supposed them to be, and instead of mere wood, she saw that they were full of dense mechanisms. When they touched the wall to either side with a dull boom, a sibilant voice—similar to the one that Agatha had heard in the crypt—echoed forth. “Enter.”
Unhesitatingly, Agatha steered her cart through the doors into the darkness beyond. As soon as she cleared the lintel, the doors slowly swung closed and locked behind her with a deliberate series of clunks.
Outside, the two men watching turned away. The guard wiped the cold sweat from his forehead and leaned on his rifle. “It still gives me the spooks when it does that,” he confessed.
Herr Diamant glanced back at the door and sighed. “Young man, you have no idea.”
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19 This was probably not what the Heterodynes and their servants-in-residence had called it, but in the fourteen or so years that the Empire had been disposing of its more dangerous prisoners, a rich body of lore, myth, and nomenclature had grown up around the castle’s inner workings. When new areas of the castle were mapped, the amateur cartographers were encouraged to name things as vividly and memorably as possible.
20 All of the prisoners in Castle Wulfenbach wore chronometers strapped to their wrists, and were trained to record and remember the time whenever they performed a particular repair or observed something happen. As a result of this, almost all of them knew to the second when they died.
21 It is always frustrating to your professors when an organization chooses to use such mundane nomenclature instead of something a little more helpful to future historians. We are especially appreciative of the late, lamented Most Secret Cabal of Unscrupulous Moldavian Chemists and Poisoners United Against the Tyranny of the Department of Safety & Ethics, who were quickly betrayed to the authorities by the printer who had been hired to design their letterhead.
22 (1596-1655) His favorite color was “charred”
23 The Great Attack took place nineteen years before our current narrative begins. A massive explosion blew apart Castle Heterodyne from within, signaling the beginning of the War with the Other. Considered one of the most significant events of the last one hundred years, it began the sequence of events that destroyed almost forty of the Great Houses of Europa, laid the foundations for Baron Wulfenbach’s Pax Transylvania, and culminated in the disappearance of the Heterodyne Boys. It directly set the stage for the story contained within these pages.
24 The Red Cathedral of Mechanicsburg was the result of a bet between Prince Vadim Sturmvarous of Balan’s Gap and Dante Heterodyne, known to history as ‘The Good Heterodyne’ (Not because of any intrinsic nobility of spirit, but because he was very good at being a Heterodyne, which meant rather the opposite). The Prince had hoped that the cathedral would serve as a nucleus of goodness in Mechanicsburg, which, over time, would spread to the rest of the inhabitants, and, he dared to dream, the Heterodyne family itself. The cathedral’s dedication ceremony involved the sacrifice of the Cardinal sent from Rome to oversee it, and things went downhill from there.
25 Faustus Heterodyne has been rated as one of the stronger Sparks ever produced by the family. It was he who crafted the intelligence that inhabited and energized the Castle. Naturally, he used his own mind as a template, which pretty much explains all of the Castle’s little murderous behavioral quirks, up to and including its unsavory love of weathervanes.
26 Those unfortunate enough to be dragged before one of the old Heterodynes were usually subjected to a version of what we today would call “Good Cop, Bad Cop.” However, considering the personalities involved, a more correct label would be “Bad Cop, Insanely Evil Cop.” This was never a fun experience, especially when both sides were played by different personalities manifesting within the same body—and neither of them were actually playing.
27 As has been mentioned before, all Jägers develop little hobbies over the decades. Captain Vole had discovered the joy of meticulous dress. Thus the stain caused by Agatha’s thrown coffee, along with the residue of the dung, offal, rotten vegetables, and other unsavory fluids that had been poured upon his unconscious form by the people of Mechanicsburg—who had long been itching to express their feelings about his betrayal—had found a perfect canvas.
28 The Jägermonsters were created by the Heterodynes to serve as shock troops, reavers, and nightmare fodder. They are incredibly hard to kill and shrug off wounds that any other soldier would consider incapacitating. As a result, when not actually fighting, they tend to ignore what’s going on around them. This occasionally leads to a nasty surprise when they realize that something is actually trying to eat them. However, at this point, all but the youngest of the Jägers was several centuries old, and at that age, any surprise is a welcome diversion.
29 You might think that—once their particular corner of the world went to the effort to reorganize itself so thoroughly that not only were they no longer expected to show up for work, but a large percentage of the people in the area would stop what they were doing to arrest and/or kill them—deposed royalty would do something sensible, like learn an honest trade or at least change their names. What they actually do is find some other court located somewhere with a healthy enough infrastructure to allow it to absorb a few dozen more of God’s Chosen. That said, the host nation usually finds any number of exciting and extremely dangerous things for them to do.
30 This practice was one of Klaus’s more radical innovations, and one of his most effective ones. It relied upon the simple truth that most of the soldiers in a rogue Spark’s army were not there out of any great loyalty to said Spark but because they did not want to be turned into fish (or whatever). That said, there is camaraderie and comforting routine in military life that many young men enjoy, and the chance to be a part of the Winning Side has a strong allure. Thus the army of the Empire was one of the few in history that got larger with every battle it fought.
31 As has been mentioned before, Sparks tend to establish hierarchy. They are never comfortable until they know what the order of precedence in a particular situation is, as well as their place in it. Aside from the politics inherent in running two adjoining expanding empires, it would be safe to say that neither Klaus nor Albia were willing to relinquish primacy to anyone. The miracle was that they had never actually gone to war. Subsequent research has revealed that each Empire was waiting for the other (obviously weaker-willed) Empire to declare war first, in the mistaken impression that they would then have the choice of weapons. This was an idea promoted by a desperate diplomatic corps, who were constantly astonished that it actually worked.
32 “Kolee dok Zumil.” According to Zeetha: “Sort of like teacher and student…sort of like grindstone and knife.” The contract and promise that bound the Lady Heterodyne and the Princess Zeetha together as teacher and student, among other things. At this time, Zeetha had just started the martial training of the Lady Heterodyne that would serve Agatha so well in later life.
CHAPTER 4
THE STORM KING
An opera in three acts by Portentius Reichenbach. A Brief Overview Provided as a Courtesy to Our Patrons Who, For No Doubt Very Good Reasons, Were Late Or Simply Not Paying Attention.