The First Act begins in the pass of Balan’s Gap as the Army of Atrocities, led by Bludtharst Heterodyne, is fought to a bloody standstill by the Coalition of the West, led by Andronicus Valois, who is hailed as The Storm King in the unforgettable Hammerhead Chorus.
After the famous comic interlude wherein the maid Capezia steals the shoes, and the Coalition receives the blessings of the Five Good Emperors, in the haunting It Has All Happened Before, But It Gets Better Every Time roundelay, Andronicus witnesses the beautiful Heterodyne Princess Euphrosynia being menaced by the mad sorcerer—prince Ogglespoon, a Heterodyne ally whom her father wishes her to marry.
The highlight here is the scandalous-for-the-time How Dast You Duet, which caused almost a quarter of the men attending to faint at its premiere performance in Munich.
Andronicus falls madly in love with the Princess but is tormented by second thoughts which are raised by his dour, two-headed construct servant, the Brothers Polyphemus, in the cunning and occasionally terrifying What Could Possibly Go Wrong dance number.
These trepidations are dispelled by the haunting Prophecy Aria, in which the Spirit of Europa herself foretells that peace will only be achieved when the Storm King and the Heterodyne Princess are wed.
The Second Act begins as Europa’s prophecy is conveniently echoed, for those who were visiting the concession stand, by the Nine Muses, who say the same thing, but use different words, in the groundbreaking You’ll Only Hear What You Want To Hear Chorus.
The scene then changes to Prince Ogglespoon’s Castle, where the forced marriage is already in progress.
It begins with the infamously bawdy Jägerchorus and the tune She Dun Gotta Be A Lady, She Iz Gunna Be Hyu Wife, (which can be heard in taverns and public houses to this day), as they celebrate the upcoming wedding.
This is followed by the intricately choreographed Rescue Dance. In its most recent performance by the Vienna Mechanikopera, the company has hewed to the original chorography, and thus utilized all seventeen soup waiters, three ladder teams, and the original roller-skating giraffe, which had only been recently rediscovered in a barn in Essen. We are grateful to the Vienna Mechanikopera for lending us these props under the condition that “we never have to see them again.”
The scene again changes, to the interior of the Storm King’s legendary Steam Palanquin, where we are treated to the tender Lover’s Duet between Euphrosynia and Andronicus.
In a letter to his sister, Reichenbach reveals that he got the idea for this song by listening to the mating call of the Irish Elk while on a trip to Dublin. It is a performance known to test the vocal range of any performer.
Finally, we have the heart-wrenching Abduction Adagio, where Euphrosynia is stolen away by a vengeful Prince Ogglespoon, who traps the Storm King in the infamous Bonsai Hedge Maze.
As the Second Act closes and the thunder rolls, the Storm King makes his famous vow, to search for Euphrosynia forever with the heart-wrenching aria, Nothing’s More Important To Me and I’ve Got the Empire to Prove It.
In the Third and Final Act, we shall see how that vow brought about the tragic end of the Coalition of the West, the Knights of Jove, and the Storm King’s reign itself.
—The Mechanicsburg Opera and Musical Debating Society gratefully acknowledges Professoressa Kaja Foglio, who has graciously allowed us permission to use excerpts from her book: It Is Not Over Until The Fat Lady Explodes—A Helpful and Concise Synopsis of Ten Operas That Deal With The Spark. (Transylvania Polygnostic University Press)
As the great doors closed shut behind her, Agatha felt a shiver run down her spine. A smaller series of booming clunks caused her to turn—just in time to watch intricate mechanisms built into the doors snapping into place. She was in, and no mistake.
The wide hall was lined with brooding stone statues—giant armored knights with animal heads that leered down at any tiny mortals who dared enter.
Red lights were artistically placed as if to maximize the drama of the statues’ looming shadows. To Agatha’s eye, these looked remarkably like the danger lights that would come on in one of Doctor Beetle’s labs when something had gone terribly wrong. This did not add to her peace of mind, but Agatha guessed that serenity would be in short supply until she got the Castle repaired.
She noticed a faint movement in the shadows, and stopped. “Hello?”
“You have got to be kidding me!” From around a pillar oozed a young man with mean-looking eyes and a terrible scar that carved his mouth into a permanent sneer. “They actually sent someone in today? Well. Lucky me.” He strolled on over. “So let’s see what you’ve got on the cart, there.”
Agatha pulled the cart back slightly. “You have the key to unlock these shackles?”
The young man waved a hand dismissively. “Nah. But I gotta check it for—”
“Anything I’m stupid enough to let you steal? I don’t think so. I’m not going to start out my time here by getting in trouble with the management.”
The young man gave her a nasty little grin. “Heeyyy—don’t be like that. You’re gonna need friends in here.”
“I’m glad you’re friendly. Now where can I find someone in charge?”
This was evidently the wrong thing to say. “In charge?” The man snarled, and pulled a sharp-looking punch knife from somewhere in his clothes. “Right now that would be me, you cow! You see anybody else in this room?” He stepped forward. “Now, if you’re lucky, I’ll be the Guy Who Lets You Live.”
Agatha frowned and rammed the heavy hand truck into the young man’s shins. He screamed and fell to his knees. “You filthy harpy,” he howled. “I’m going to—”
Agatha rammed him again, smashing him to the ground. “My leg!” he squealed. “You broke my damn leg!”
“I doubt it,” Agatha said coldly. “I got decent grades in my anatomy classes. You’ll probably just have a nasty bruise for awhile.”
For a heartbeat, she was at a loss as to what to do next. Then she remembered her time onstage. How would the villainous Lucrezia Mongfish handle this?
She kicked the punch-knife away and placed her boot solidly on the side of his neck. “Now this…” She leaned forward a little, putting her weight into it. The man froze. “This could seriously mess you up. But it’s the least of what I’ll do to you if you screw with me again. Do you understand?”
“I—I—”
Impatiently, Agatha leaned in again, harder. “Yes!” he shrieked. “I understand!”
Agatha removed her boot and the man scrabbled away on his hands and knees, not even taking the time to climb to his feet before he was out of sight.
That was disturbingly satisfying, Agatha realized. This troubling train of thought was derailed by the sound of slow clapping from behind her. She was so caught up in the whole ‘performance’ mindset, that she almost took a bow before she caught herself.
“Nice!” The voice belonged to a diminutive girl clad in an orange coverall. She had a shaggy mop of pink-tinted hair, a set of mischievous eyes, and a huge grin, with a distinct gap between her front teeth.
She straightened up from the wall she had been leaning against and sauntered over. On her way, she stooped to pick up the punch-knife. She examined it and gave a dismissive snort. Agatha flinched as she tossed it onto the hand truck. “That’s yours now, if you want it. Right of conquest.” She stopped about two meters away from Agatha and examined her with open curiosity. “I’m Sanaa Wilhelm. Nice to meet you.” She stuck out her hand. Agatha made a snap judgment and shook it. Sanaa nodded.