Zola started to protest but Agatha overrode her. “I have a lot of things to do. If I have to drop everything in order to make a girly fuss over him, we could all wind up dead.
“So you make sure nothing happens to him, don’t even consider giving me any more trouble, and stay where I can see you. If you can manage that, I might be persuaded to let you both live when this is all over. Do you understand me?”
Zola only stared at her goggle-eyed and gurgled.
Agatha blinked. “What was that?”
Zola gave a loud wordless moan.
“I am doing my best to be calm, but—”
Zola’s face was turning red.
Then Agatha realized that she had her hand around Zola’s throat. She let go with a start and flushed. She wondered what she was becoming, here in this place.
Zola gasped as she drew in a huge breath of air. “Yes! I understand! I’ll do it!”
Agatha retrieved her death ray and turned back to the Castle prisoners, who had been watching with evident approval. This was already taking far too long. She needed to sort them out fast and get back to Tarvek. She pulled herself together and gave her audience a cheery smile. “Well!” she told them. “I feel better now that’s all sorted out. Back to work. Show me this ‘Castle killer’ machine.”
A dark-haired man, whose lower body had been replaced by a set of six mechanical, insect-like legs, stepped forward with a smart clack.
“Ah, ‘Fra Pelagatti’s Lion’!75 Right this way, Lady Heterodyne. I am Professor Caractacus Mezzasalma.” They approached the device, a thing of warm, shining metal adorned with blue glass globes.
“This is it,” Mezzasalma said. “Capable of generating a low-pulse ætheric ‘roar’, punctuated by short bursts of trans-dimensional dissonance harmonics.” He stepped back and watched Agatha closely.
She nodded. “Hm. All right, I’ve got it.”
Mezzasalma blinked. “You…you what?” His metal feet made a syncopated clicking sound upon the floor. “Young Wulfenbach took only thirty minutes to figure it out—but you—you’ve just glanced at it. How can you possibly—?”
Agatha raised a hand to forestall him as she selected a stout monkey wrench from a nearby bench. She raised it behind her shoulder and, with a powerful swing, shattered the largest of the blue glass spheres.
“To be fair,” she said as she turned back to the horrified man, “what I was after was a lot simpler.”
“YAY, MISTRESS!” the Castle cheered.
Agatha tossed the wrench back onto the bench. “Oh, quiet, you.” She pointed to a section of the mechanism. “But really, it didn’t look like it would have worked anyway.”
Professor Diaz picked up a long shard of blue glass, “Oh, well, some of the parts are missing…” he admitted. Regretfully, he tossed the shard into a waste barrel. “We’ve sent some men to get them. But the theory was quite sound!”
“Ah,” the Castle interrupted. “Those parts, they were in the cistern?”
“Why, yes.” Diaz said.
“The one with the giant electrified squid clanks?”
Diaz waved a hand. “Tch. Those are deactivated.” He froze. “Oh.”
The Castle chuckled. “Oh, I do feel good today!”
Diaz glowered. “Those parts…it is good we won’t be needing them, yes?”
“Actually,” Agatha said. “I am going to want those parts.”
“What? What?!” The Castle was outraged. “Why?”
“Don’t worry. I…have my reasons. I don’t suppose any of those people they sent survived?”
“Now you’re just being unreasonable,” the Castle huffed.
Doctor Mittlemind stepped forward with an eager grin. “Oh! Do allow me to assist, Mistress.”
Agatha was surprised. “You’re volunteering to go get them?”
“But of course!” He then swept out an arm and pulled Fraulein Snaug to his side. “Even though I am incarcerated here, I still have my best minion! Fraulein Snaug, go fetch those parts!”
Snaug closed her eyes and whimpered in resignation. “Yes, Doctor.”
Agatha spoke up. “Castle, not only do I not want you to hurt her, I want you to help her get me those parts.”
“Hmf. How dull.”
“Cope.”
Snaug’s eyes shone as she gazed at Agatha. “Wow! Thank you, Mistress!”
Agatha waved a hand. “It’s nothing.”
Mittlemind gave a conspiratorial chuckle. “We are alike, you and I.”
Agatha eyed him with alarm. “Er—and how do you figure that?”
“I too tend to be overly softhearted.” He beamed.
“Really?” Agatha was doubtful.
“Oh, yes! Why, back when I was conducting research at the University, I always insisted that the children be allowed out of their containment tanks for Christmas!”
Everyone in the room stared at him.
Mittlemind flushed with embarrassment and waved a hand. “Oh please, what do you all take me for? I’m obviously not talking about the Control Group!”
The other prisoners relaxed, chuckling.
Agatha stared at Fraulein Snaug, who dimpled into a nostalgic smile. “I love Christmas,” she sighed.
“All right! Enough!” Agatha shouted. “I don’t have time for this!” She pointed to the prisoners. “You lot stay here and keep an eye on things.” She waved a hand around the dilapidated lab. “You can clean up a bit while you’re at it. And don’t go wandering off or the Castle may get testy.”
“It’s true…I sometimes do, you know.”
The prisoners glanced helplessly at one another. Mezzasalma spoke for them all. “But for cleaning, we’ll need to get squeegees and mops and…” he shrugged, “…and minions.”
Diaz nodded vigorously. “Oh yes! There must be minions. Although Doctor Mittlemind does share…” at this he and Mezzasalma bowed slightly to the genial doctor, who nodded in appreciation, “…but if you expect this to be done while we Sparks are disassembling ‘The Lion’…”76
Agatha paused. “No, don’t disassemble it yet…Guard it, and get all the bits together so that I can have a look at them later.”
“My lady,” the Castle wheedled, “I really don’t like—”
Agatha cut it off. “Look, you can just squash anyone who actually tries to activate it, okay? Other than me, of course.”
“But I still—”
“HETERODYNE!” Agatha screamed.
The Castle gave in. “Yes, Mistress.”
“That’s better.” Agatha turned back to the prisoners and pointed to Zola’s remaining Tall Men. “You will assist the professors. If you survive, you’ll be free to go.” The men looked dubious.
Agatha continued. “Without Pinkie here.” With a sigh of relief, the men picked up brooms and got to work. Agatha nodded. “Professor Tiktoffen? You’ll come with me. From what the Castle has told me, you probably know this place better than anyone.”
The professor grimaced. “Enough to know that I’d rather stay here.”
Agatha looked interested. “Permanently?”
Tiktoffen stood up and dusted his hands together. “I’ll get my notes.”
Agatha turned to Zola, who had once again pillowed Gil’s head on her lap. “We’re going. Get him on his feet.”
Zola gave her an imploring look. “But—you can’t make him walk around the Castle like this! It’s dangerous out there. He’s hurt! He’s not even coherent!”
“Making him the only one here who won’t give me an argument. It’ll pass, but I’ll take it while I’ve got it. Now get him up.”
Gil stirred. “Um…Zola? Did Professor Belette get away? We’ve got to stop him before he steals the Moulin Rouge.”77