Von Zinzer knew an implied threat when he heard one and accepted this one with remarkable equanimity. “Find out what, sir?”
Gil nodded. “Good man.”
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72 These suspicions were fully justified. These creatures are apparently a mutated form of louse (pediculus humanus gargantua heterodyne) sold throughout Mechanicburg as “Deep Fried Crunchy Castle Crabs.” By all accounts they are incredibly delicious, but no native of Mechanicsburg has ever been able to bring themselves to eat one.
73 Agatha had no idea what she was in for. As the largest supplier of money, resources, and personnel in Europa, the Wulfenbach Empire received hundreds of proposals for insane schemes every day. What made it truly maddening was that all-too-often a scheme might be horrifying, insane, counter-intuitive…and the perfect solution for a current problem. Thus, Klaus insisted that every one of these ideas had to be fairly evaluated. It was challenging, infuriating, and occasionally dangerous work. The clerks assigned to the Department for the Containment of New Ideas were bureaucrats who regularly earned Hazard Pay.
74 To a chronicler of the life of the Lady Heterodyne, the tragedy of the destruction that Doctor Merlot claims credit for cannot be overstated. Tarsus Beetle was evidently enough of a confidant of Barry Heterodyne that he was entrusted with his niece. Although historical records show that Barry was a prodigious diarist and notetaker, none exist after the date of the destruction of Castle Heterodyne up through his time in Beetleburg (which may have lasted as long as a year). It is not unreasonable to assume that any and all writing that he generated, which would certainly have covered or at least mentioned tangentially, where the brothers had been and what they had been doing since their disappearance, had been deposited with Dr. Beetle for safekeeping before Barry left town. So, in answer to Merlot’s rhetorical question, no—it was not particularly fair, but the Baron did not permit torture.
75 Fra Pelagatti was an Abbot of the Corbettites, a monastic order based in Ireland. Whereas many orders raised a little pocket change by brewing up various alcoholic beverages, the Corbettites ran a railroad system that united Europa and was making inroads into Asia and the Middle East. While it welcomed and sheltered Sparks, the order also attracted quite a few of the overlooked mechanics, engineers, tinkerers, and self-taught inventors who were not Sparks but didn’t feel like working for the Wulfenbach Empire. The order gave them a home and a greater purpose. It also gave them access to tools, workshops, and large, dangerous things that went very fast.
76 As it may be inferred, most Sparks have much in common with small children in that they may be cheerfully breaking the laws of physics one minute and be astonished that their room has not been cleaned in the next. For many Sparks, the most heinous part of being sentenced to Castle Heterodyne was that they were stripped of their minions and found that they were expected to do everything for themselves, from preparing their own meals, to seeing if a pair of wires are, in fact, live.
77 This comment may explain a curious and heretofore unexplained incident when the famous cabaret briefly disappeared from its usual lot on the Boulevard de Clichy. A month later it was just as mysteriously returned, unharmed. No perpetrator or motive was ever revealed. The only evidence of the theft was a series of postcards sent to the Master of Paris showing the iconic structure standing in front of the Taj Mahal in Agra, the Emperor’s Palace in the Forbidden City, the Kaaba in Mecca, and the Hofbrâuhaus in Munich.
78 The Variegated Knife & Fork Spider (Theraphosidae Cultro Furca Mechanicsburg) is a species endemic to the Mechanicsburg Valley. Like many other spiders, it cocoons its victim, paralyzes them and injects them with eggs, which hatch into young that feed upon said victim’s liquefying, but still living, flesh. The difference is that the Knife and Fork Spider does this with impeccable table manners, which is why it was selected as the mascot for the Mechanicsburg Restaurant Association.
79 Professor Tybalt Fauve, MD, PhD. Became renowned for his lecture series about esoteric diseases. One of his more memorable teaching aids was to randomly infect various members of the audience with some of the diseases that he was discussing in that session. Extra credit was awarded to students who could correctly diagnose these various illnesses (either in themselves or in others) before the lecture ended (or before the victim died, whichever came first). Due to the perversity of human nature, Professor Fauve’s lectures were always packed to capacity, which made things really interesting when he covered some of the more contagious pathogens.
CHAPTER 9
“Mechanicsburg: A thousand years old and crazy to the bone.”
—Graffiti originally discovered on the Tower of the Doom Bell and subsequently adopted as an unofficial town motto.
Gilgamesh strode back to the main room of the medical lab, von Zinzer at his heels.
Von Zinzer was shaking his head. “…and it doesn’t bother you at all that her house even has all those big iron cages?”
“Why should it?” Gil asked. “This way, even if Zola and Tiktoffen wake up, they’ll be completely out of the way while we work—”
They froze in the doorway. Agatha stood in the center of the room with her back to them. She had found an old split-tail lab coat, gloves, and a pair goggles that sported an array of dials and special lenses. The lab coat had evidently seen some use—both arms appeared to have been burnt away to the shoulders. The machines that had been scattered about the room had been collected, partially disassembled, and hooked together into a huge installation centered around two heavy, ironbound medical tables. Pipes, cords, and machinery wound around everything, and alarmingly colored substances bubbled through twisted glass tubes. Little helper clanks like the ones Agatha had left infesting his labs back on Castle Wulfenbach scrambled everywhere.
Tarvek was strapped to the left hand table, his skin a softly glowing teal. A complex helmet covered with lights and meters hid most of his head, with only his mouth showing.
Violetta was dangling overhead, her knees thrown over an exposed beam. As she connected a final cable, the entire bank of machinery shuddered to life. More lights began to glow. Agatha checked a dial and then nodded. Violetta dropped, spun elegantly in midair, and landed lightly on her feet.
Agatha turned and saw Gil and von Zinzer. Her face lit up. “Ha! There you are!” She sounded delighted, energized, and terrifying, all at once. Gil felt his heart rise in his chest and try to soar away. She was glorious—an angel of creation. He had known she was a strong Spark, but here she was, practically crackling with power. And the way she had rearranged everything while he was gone was nothing short of miraculous.80
“Get on the slab.” She pointed to the empty table. “I want to get to work!” The harmonics in her voice sent thrills down his spine, and Gil just stood where he was, awestruck.
Von Zinzer gave him a sharp poke in the small of the back. “Spooky girl’s all yours, pal.”
Gil pulled himself together. Agatha took his arm and drew him forward. He examined the machinery, and felt a little disappointed. “Is there even anything left for me to do?” he asked.
“Sure! Lots! Don’t worry,” Agatha told him. “But we need to move quickly…and you were right! There’s tons of great stuff here, if you’re willing to try non-traditional methods!”