I, I’m going out onto the fjord for a while, Asle says
All right, Signe says
It’s gotten a bit lighter out, Asle says
Yes it’s probably as light as it’s going to get these days, Signe says
Light enough to go out for a while, in any case, Asle says
Yes you don’t need that much light either do you, Signe says
No, Asle says
So I’m going out for a while then, he says
Go ahead, Signe says
Since you never seem to get tired of rowing out in that boat of yours, she says
I get tired of it sometimes, Asle says
You do, Signe says
Yes, Asle says
But then why do you row out in your boat, you do it almost all the time, Signe says
I guess I just do it, Asle says
You just do it, Signe says
Yes, Asle says
You don’t even really want to go out in the boat, Signe says
No, Asle says
But can’t you just stay home then, Signe says
I could, Asle says
You could, Signe says
Maybe I like being out there in the boat, Asle says
and they both look down, both stand there and look down
You don’t want to be here with me, that’s why, Signe says
No it’s not that, Asle says
But that boat of yours is so small, Signe says
I like it, Asle says
I’ve had it a long time, for years, it’s a good boat, a nice wooden boat, you know, he says
Of course I know, Signe says
Actually no, it’s a toothpick and it’s dangerous, it seems to me, she says
I’ve seen much better boats, she says
I like this boat, Asle says
But couldn’t you get yourself a bigger boat, a safer boat, Signe says
I don’t want a new boat, Asle says
Why do you like this boat so much, Signe says
I knew the man who built it, and he built it for me, Asle says
He built boats his whole life, the man who built it, and he built one for me, he says
I went and looked and the boat while he was building it, he says
Yes, Signe says
Yes you remember that, Asle says
That’s how it was, Signe says
Johannes in the Bay built it, yes, Asle says
That was his name, yes, Signe says
Johannes in the Bay, everyone called him that, Asle says
And now it’s been a couple years since he died, he says
The years go by so fast, don’t they, he says
Johannes in the Bay built boats his whole life, and my boat was one of the last ones he built, he says
But didn’t you ask to have your boat built smaller than the boats he usually built, Signe says
Yes well, Asle says
A little smaller, he says
I wanted a boat that was a little smaller, he says
Why? Signe says
I thought it was nicer like that, Asle says
But then it probably isn’t as stable as other boats, Signe says
No not entirely, Asle says
and she sees him go over to the hall door again
You’re going, Signe says
and he stands and looks at her
Yes, Asle says
But, Signe says
Yes well you know, Asle says
Yes I’ll just go out for a walk, the wind is too strong to row out onto the fjord today, he says
Sounds good, Signe says
Just a little walk, Asle says
Yes go for a little walk, go ahead, Signe says
The wind is terrible, and it’s pretty dark, even now, when it’s as light as it’ll get all day, she says
Yes, Asle says
and she sees him go out the hall door and shut it behind him, and then she sees, lying there on the bench, herself walk through the kitchen door and she thinks that she lies here so much, either she lies here on the bench or she stands there in front of the window, the same as she did when he was still here too, and so why does she always have to see him walking in the door to the room? and why does she always have to see herself step away from the window and into the room and stop right there in the middle of the floor? why does she always have to see herself stand there and say something to him? and why does she always have to hear what he says? what she says? why is it like that? why is he still here? because he’s gone, he’s been gone for years, it’s been years since he disappeared, but it’s still as if he’s still here, she sees the hall door open, she sees him stand there in the doorway, she sees him walk into the room, hears him say what he’s said so many times before, that’s how it is and that’s how it will be even though he is gone forever, he is still always here, he is saying what he always said, he is walking the way he always walked, he is wearing the clothes he always wore, she thinks, and her, what about her? yes she just lies here on the bench or just stands there in front of the window and looks out the window the way she always stood and looked out, she thinks, yes, she stands there now the way she always did, or she lies here on the bench, she thinks and she sees herself walk in the door from the kitchen and she sees herself go over to the window and stand there in front of the window and she thinks, lying here on the bench, that she can’t bear it, she doesn’t understand it, she thinks, and why is it always like that? why is it as though he was still alive and was about to walk down the little road, the way he did so many times before he disappeared and was gone forever, even though it’s been years and years since she’s seen him walking down the little road, it’s as though he was walking down the little road right now, she thinks and she sees herself stand there in front of the window and look out into the darkness, and there, there, she sees, she thinks standing there in front of the window, him walking down the little road and sees the old yellow-white cap he has on, and she’s sure he’s going to go row out onto the fjord anyway, she thinks and she turns around and looks at the bench and then she sees herself lying there on the bench, and it can’t be! it can’t! she is standing here in front of the window and then she sees herself lying there on the bench, and she looks so old lying there, so worn out, and her hair has all turned gray, but it’s still long, and just think, to stand here in front of the window and look out and then to look over at the bench and then see herself lying there old and gray, she thinks, and she looks over to the stove and there, there on the chair next to the stove, she sees herself sitting there too! she thinks, not only does she see herself lying there old and gray on the bench but she also sees herself sitting there on the chair next to the stove, and she sits there knitting the black sweater he almost always wore, that he is wearing even now, she thinks and she sees that her hair is black and long and thick, where she’s sitting, and there’s a slight curl to her hair and she sits there and looks at the flames and her fingers keep knitting and knitting the black sweater he almost always wore and then she looks back at the bench and she sees herself lying there, and her hair has turned gray, but it’s still long, lying there on the bench her hair has turned long and gray and she looks out the window and she sees him walk down the little road in the yellow-white cap he has just started wearing and she thinks that cap is horrible and he thinks he doesn’t want to turn around now, if he turns around now he’ll probably just see her standing there in the window, looking out the window, in the light from inside the room, she’s standing, clearly visible, and looking out, so he doesn’t want to turn around, he doesn’t want to look in her direction, he just wants to go take a little walk out on the big road, it’s not a good day to row out onto the fjord today, the wind is too strong, and there’s not even any decent light out even though it’s as light as it will get today, and soon the darkness will come down over everything again, he thinks, so he’d better stay on land today, he thinks, in any case that’s what he had to tell her, he thinks, but anyway it’s probably all right just to go out for a little walk, he thinks and he starts to walk down the big road and it’s terrible how dark it is now, late in the fall, they’ve already gotten to late November, it’s a Tuesday in late November, in the year 1979, and even though it’s only afternoon it has gotten as dark as if it was evening, that’s how it is at this time of year, late in the fall, he thinks, and after not much longer it will be just dark, dark all day, with no light left to speak of at all, he thinks, and it’s good to go for a walk, he likes that, he thinks, it sometimes does take some effort to get out of the house, true, but as soon as you’re out it’s better, and he likes it, he likes to walk, he only needs to get going, to really get going, to find his own pace again, and then it’s good, he thinks, it’s as though the heaviness that otherwise fills his life gets a little lighter, it gets taken away from him, turned into movement, it leaves behind the heavy thick motionless blackness that life can be the rest of the time, he thinks, but when he’s walking, he thinks, he can feel like a nice piece of old woodwork, yes well, how stupid! how stupid! he thinks, but he can feel like those beautiful boards in a nice old boat! no just think, thinking something so ridiculous, thinking something like that, to think that he could think he was like those nice boards in an old boat, he thinks, how can he even think something like that? he thinks, it’s not right to think like that, that he’s a board in a boat? no, how did he think that? he thinks and he looks up at the sky, and he sees that everything has gotten almost pitch black, and that now, it is only just afternoon, now everything has gotten so dark, he thinks, and it’s a bit cold too, but he does have on his thick warm black sweater, he thinks, and he walks a little faster and he feels the darkness coming faster and faster too, the faster he walks the faster it gets dark, that’s how it seems to him, he thinks, and is he getting a little cold? no, not that, he thinks, he has warm clothes on, after all he has on the black sweater she knit for him, the first winter she lived with him she knit him the sweater that he almost always wears when it’s cold, it really keeps you warm, but why should he wear that sweater all the time? there’s probably no reason, that’s probably just the way it is, he thinks and he looks at the fjord and it’s totally quiet, and the wind seems to be blowing a little less hard than it was a while ago, he thinks, so maybe he should still go out onto the fjord? and why does he always want to row out onto the fjord, all year round? he doesn’t actually want to, he just does it, he thinks, he rows out onto the fjord, it doesn’t matter what the weather is, good or bad, and why? to fish? yes, well, he does a little fishing, but it’s been a long time since he was all that interested in fishing, so that can’t be why, he thinks, no today he had better just take a walk, that’s something he almost never does, he can’t remember the last time he just took a walk down the big road, he thinks, and so why should he today? no, why think like that? why does everything need to have a reason? he thinks, now he should just take a little walk down the big road and then he should turn around and go home, to the old house, their home, to the house where he has lived his whole life, first with Father and Mother and his brothers and sisters and then with her, with the woman he married, and it’s a nice old house, he thinks, and how old is it, no, nobody knows, but it’s old, it is old, and it has stood where it’s standing now for probably several hundred years, but why is the darkness coming so fast? suddenly it’s almost totally dark? he thinks and he looks at the fjord and the waves are beating hard again on the shore and he can still see the waves, but mostly