“There wasn’t anything else to do,” Ronon said.
“I am not blaming you,” Teyla said. “I hope you do not blame yourself.”
“It was my decision,” he said. “I made the call I had to make. How it went down is my responsibility.”
“Then if we had all been captured, that would have been your responsibility as well. That would not have been better.” Teyla sounded a little frustrated.
“I’m not saying it would be,” Ronon said. “Sheppard, though…”
“He blames himself,” Teyla said. “Not you. And he would not truly be happier if we were all in the hands of the Wraith now.”
“If he’d been in charge, do you think he would have pulled us out?”
Teyla looked like she was considering her answer carefully. “It is terribly hard for him to leave a man behind,” she said. “I think — ”
“Teyla!” Halling called from ahead, and Teyla lifted her head.
“Halling!” she called in greeting, her face lighting. Although she couldn’t spend much time on New Athos these days, at least she could visit. Surely she must appreciate that even more keenly after months of thinking all her people lost, and more months spent a galaxy away from them.
He and Kanaan were waiting at the outskirts of the camp, Torren in Kanaan’s arms, and once they drew close Teyla went swiftly to take her son. She and Kanaan exchanged awkward smiles, although when he would have pressed his forehead to hers, she ducked her head to Torren’s hair instead.
Ronon turned away, suspecting that her next move would be to draw him into the conversation to make a buffer between them, and not intending to let her. “Halling,” he said.
“Ronon, my friend,” Halling said. “What news from Atlantis?”
“No news,” Ronon said. “The Wraith still have McKay.”
“I am sorry for that,” Halling said.
“We all are,” Kanaan said. “It makes Atlantis a dangerous place.”
“There is no safe place,” Teyla said, her arms tightening around Torren. If Ronon could see it, he thought Kanaan could as well. “We have all seen that.”
“We have,” Halling said. “All the same…” He glanced at Kanaan, as if unsure he wanted to continue.
“All the same, it is something we must consider,” Kanaan said. “We would like the people of Atlantis to come here for the milk we trade them, so that we are not sending our young men and women to the city of the Ancestors when it may at any time come under attack.”
“That has always been the case,” Teyla said. “Surely Jinto has not said he is afraid to come.”
“We are too few, and we will be two fewer when you leave today,” Kanaan said. “We spoke of this in council for a long time, and it was agreed that no one can take the risk for trade goods, no matter how comfortable they make us.”
Teyla’s face was sharp, her body tensing as if for a fight. Torren frowned, sensing her mood. “You did not ask me to be a part of this council. It is usual for all to be asked if they wish to speak.”
“You were not here,” Halling said. “You were not here, and you were not in the city when we called. Decisions must be made when there is something to decide, not at your pleasure.”
“Halling,” Teyla said, looking for the first time more hurt than angry.
“You are not a child, for me to scold you,” Halling said. “I know you were looking for your friend, and I would have done the same. But we could not wait for you.”
Teyla took a deep breath. “I will speak to Mr. Woolsey,” she said. “We can certainly send someone here to trade, although I will not always be able to come myself.”
“It might be better if you were not the one to come,” Halling said.
“And what do you mean by that?”
“Who are you representing when you come to us to trade?” Kanaan asked. “The Lanteans, or the Athosians? We are hardly trade partners if you speak for us both, and stand always between us.”
“I have brought goods from the expedition here for more than five years,” Teyla said. “And I have brought them your work in trade, and no one has complained that I have made a poor bargain for them.”
“Our work,” Kanaan said. “Not the work of your hands. The things made here are not yours to trade, Teyla. Not anymore.”
Teyla looked at him as though he’d struck her. “I did not think you were so angry at me,” she said.
“I am not angry at you,” Kanaan said, and he sounded like that might be true. “But if you come back to us again to trade with goods from Atlantis, we will expect to bargain with you as with any trading partner, and you must not also be part of the council to choose our terms.”
“Must I not?” Teyla said, her voice dangerous.
“I wish that you would not,” Kanaan said. “The truth is I cannot stop you. I expect you could persuade people to your point of view, if you were here to speak on your behalf. But what then? You will go back to Atlantis, and then what? Now that you are gone, the people look to me to warn them of the Wraith, to protect them. That is not a thing I have ever wanted, Teyla, believe me. I would much rather you were here to do it instead.”
“I am sorry,” Teyla said. “I thought you understood why I must stay in Atlantis, must help defend us all from the Wraith.”
“I do,” Kanaan said. “It would be easier if I did not.” He turned away abruptly, and Halling cleared his throat.
“Thank you for bringing us these goods in trade,” he said. “We will look for your man to come to us three days from now for the milk, and we can talk then of any other changes to the trade agreement.”
“I will ask Mr. Woolsey when it would be possible for him to meet with you,” Teyla said, the words too pleasant, as if talking to a stranger.
“That is well.” Halling embraced her, touching his forehead to hers, and after a moment’s stiffness she returned the embrace. “We will look for your coming as well,” he said. “You are always welcome among us.”
“I never thought you would need to say so,” Teyla said, and Ronon looked away; he didn’t think she’d want him to see if she cried.
She talked cheerfully enough to Torren on the way back to the Stargate, but it was the kind of relentless good cheer that mothers everywhere used in an attempt to convince children that nothing was wrong.
“Ride!” Torren demanded, struggling to clamber down and onto the cart, now empty of all but Torren’s traveling bag.
“Can’t hurt,” Ronon said, and Teyla let him climb down to the cart, where he sprawled happily. He risked a glance at Teyla. Her eyes were clear, but her jaw was set hard. “You okay?”
“I would never cheat my own people in a trade,” Teyla said hotly. “I cannot imagine that anyone would think I would do such a thing.”
“You could try to get back to New Athos more,” Ronon said.
“Back,” Teyla said, shaking her head more ruefully. He waited for her to say more, catching Torren when he seemed about to topple to the ground. “I lived on New Athos for a few weeks, not even for a whole season. I helped build the settlement, but this season I have not put crops in the ground, or hunted, or cared for anyone else’s children.”
“They’re your people,” Ronon said. “That still matters.”
“Of course it does,” Teyla said. “But it is Miko who I will help with her work in return for her watching my child. No one in Atlantis grew the food we eat, but I will earn my share of it guarding the city of the Ancestors. For the Athosians, all I have been for seasons is a trader, and now even that…”
“You did rescue them all from Michael,” Ronon said. “That was kind of important.”
“The people of Atlantis rescued them,” Teyla said. “I was in no position at the time to rescue anyone, including myself.”
“You would have,” Ronon said.
“But I did not.”