‘Come back this evening, you can do a clean sweep.’
And immediately lit another. He had a way of constantly irritating a person and once he knew you were fucked, he never let up. And despite all that, there was no better guy to have in your corner. She repeated her question, and he said:
‘I hope he takes a shot at me sooner rather than later.’
Anyone else, you’d call it bravado. He said:
‘You want off this shite detail you’re on?’
She said of course, but there hadn’t been a single instance. Brant shook his head, said:
‘Christ, no wonder you could never pass the exam.’
She winced, and he let that hover, then said:
‘Get hold of a mobile phone, with the camera on it, then grab the first fuck you see. Bring him in.’
She stared at him, asked:
‘You mean plant it on a person?’
He laughed, the one that had no relation to warmth or indeed humour, said:
‘Well, he’s hardly going to plant it on himself.’
She hated to admit it to herself, but she’d do nigh anything to get off the assignment, asked:
‘What about Lane?’
This time, he dropped the butt in the glass of water, it made a soft plink. He said:
‘Lane could give a fuck. How do you think he’s put in eighteen years and never made noise? You’re the sergeant, you tell him what’s happened, after you nick the culprit.’
She was beginning to like the sound of the set-up and asked:
‘But the guy, whoever we choose, won’t he claim it’s a set-up?’
Brant smiled.
‘Don’t they all.’
Before she left, she asked:
‘How are you feeling in yourself, they say a… a shooting can take a long time to recover from. You could take early retirement?’
For once, he actually showed some emotion, surprise principally, asked:
‘And do what, become a Happy Slapper? This is the only gig I know.’
She was as the door, then said:
‘Porter saved your life, you know that? He covered you with his body.’
Brant wasn’t comfortable, said:
‘He’s a fag, any chance to jump on my bones.’
She’d finally gotten a chance at Brant, took it, said as she closed the door:
‘You owe him, big time.’
The fat guard called after her:
‘Hey, where’s me cigarettes?’
Without turning, she said:
‘He put them in water, they look lovely, real decorative.’
She went to a phone warehouse, bought the cheapest model she could find, then outside Kennington Tube Station she handed the phone to Lane, said:
‘Get my pic’.
She adopted an expression of shock, like she’d just been slapped.
Two hours later, she selected her target, a guy in his twenties, walking with a swagger, elbowing people aside as he strutted towards the station. Falls said:
‘There’s our Happy Slapper. You just saw him slap me and here’s his phone.’
Lane didn’t say anything, just took the phone, Falls got out of the car and deliberately collided with the guy. She made it look like he’d attacked her, and began to scream blue murder. Lane was out of the car, and despite whatever reservations he’d felt, he went full into the scenario, producing the phone camera, saying loudly:
‘He photographed the attack!’
His tone a mix of outrage and disbelief, three pedestrians bought what they thought they were witnessing and grabbed the young man, throwing punches at him, going:
‘You animal.’
A woman helped Falls to her feet, said:
‘The pig actually photographed you!’
Falls was astonished at how well it had gone, and Lane’s participation added the nice touch of reality.
The young guy, named John Coleman, was too flabbergasted to speak, plus he was hurting from the punches he’d received from the witnesses. Lane arrested him, cuffed him, and shoved him in the car, Falls took the names and addresses of the pedestrians, who were more than willing to help.
Since the attacks on London, people were more than keen to get involved. Bombs were one thing, but that you couldn’t walk down the street without getting a slap in the face and… being photographed while it happened, it was just too much outrage.
Falls got back in the car, letting Lane drive, she was shaking from the physical tussle and the sheer andrenaline of the encounter.
Lane put the car in gear, and Falls glanced back at the Happy Slapper. He seemed to be in a daze. Falls said:
‘That will teach you to push people around.’
He looked up, his face a riot of confusion, said:
‘But I don’t even have a mobile.’
Falls held up the phone, asked:
‘And what do you think this is?’
Lane gave an odd sound, as if he had something nasty in his mouth. He felt Falls was really pushing the envelope on this one. The young man tried:
‘It’s not my phone, you can’t make this stick.’
Falls held up a sheet of paper with the witnesses names, said:
‘We’ve enough ammunition here to put you away for two years, if you’re lucky’.
She turned back to Lane, said:
‘You did good.’
He was maneuvering into a space outside the station, took a moment, said:
‘Not how I’d term it myself.’
Falls decided not to pursue it.
12
Coleman was charged with happy slapping, termed… an attack on the private rights of an individual… incitement to public disorder and… more serious, an assault on a police officer. They threw in resisting arrest to round it off.
A solicitor was called and three hours later, Coleman was released on bail, due to appear in magistrates’ court in a month. His brief said:
‘You’ll have to do jail time, I might be able to plea bargain that you didn’t realize the woman was a cop, but I won’t lie to you, they’re keen to make an example of a Happy Slapper, you’ll have to serve at least a year.’
Coleman, still in shock, made his way out of the station, to the taunts of various cops, who shouted:
‘Smile, you’re on Candid Camera.’
He ran into Falls on the steps, asked:
‘Why… why are you doing this to me?’
Falls, feeling like Brant was speaking for her, said:
‘Because I can.’
Coleman stared at her for a minute, resolving to get this bitch, one way or another. He stumbled down the steps, feeling like he might pass out, his whole life had gone down the toilet. He looked back at Falls, said:
‘It’s me twenty-first birthday today.’
She gave him a wide-eyed look, said:
‘Say cheese.’
He did what you do when you’re suddenly fucked out of the blue, when your whole life has turned on sixpence, he went to the pub. He grabbed a stool at the counter, and for the life of him couldn’t get his mind into gear. He wanted a drink but didn’t know what to order. A woman took the stool beside him, said:
‘Can’t decide, huh?’
He looked at her, a gorgeous blonde, lovely face with very striking eyes. She added:
‘You poor lamb, you’ve had a terrible ordeal. Let me order for us.’
Her stress on us gave it a sultry sound, and to his amazement, he got a hard-on, put it down to shock. His frigging body didn’t know what was going on. The barman was all over her, leching openly at her full cleavage, lust reddning his cheeks, he drawled:
‘What will it be, darling?’
She rubbed her scarlet lips with her tongue, said:
‘Two large gins, with slim-line tonics. A girl has to watch her figure.’
The barman glanced at the young man who seemed to be totally zoned, said:
‘You got it, babe.’
She said:
‘And something for your own self, how would that be?’ That would be fucking hunky-dory.
Coleman had a hundred questions, but she cut him off, said:
‘Drink-ees first, then we’ll nice have a chat.’