Questions Without Question Marks
This book is all about asking. But as we’ve seen, some questions work best when they don’t end in a question mark.
Tell me more.
Explain that to me.
These command-questions serve as open-ended invitations for a subject to pause, reflect, and provide more detail. I think of them as questions without question marks. They ask without asking. They convey interest and, when stated in the right tone, accompanied by open body language, they offer affirmation and validation, which Barry says is so important to reduce barriers and generate cognitive ease. Questions without question marks can feel less threatening, less like an interrogation.
In my interviewing, I have found that this technique provides breathing space for the other person, a break from the usual Q&A pattern. I put my pen down, lean forward, and knit my brow in what I intend to be a visibly curious expression. It’s my way of saying I’m hooked, fascinated by what I’m hearing. I want my companion to know that I am not just a good audience, but a rapt listener. I might say:
Go on.
That’s remarkable.
Fascinating.
Barry counsels his agents to turn questions into statements whenever they can. The technique encourages conversation, especially if someone is trying to conceal something. He offers a real-world scenario: The feds have intercepted a long, rambling email from a man who calls himself Lucas. The email vents at the government, rails at Washington, and then, in thinly disguised language, threatens the president. Agents track Lucas down and bring him in for questioning. He is angry, curt, and agitated. Though he has no criminal record, his comments on his social media accounts suggest a disgruntled, antigovernment loner.
Barry would not start by asking, “Why have you been sending threatening emails?” Nor would he ask, “Do you intend to kill the president?” These questions would only shut Lucas down. Instead, Barry asks one of his questions without a question mark. He says:
It sounds like some of the things the president has done have really gotten you annoyed.
Lucas sits up. “Annoyed? Are you kidding? Of course. I’m annoyed … I’m more than annoyed.”
Barry listens intently. He wants Lucas to feel he’s being heard. Like a hostage negotiator, he wants to keep the conversation going, thinking ahead, moving in on the issues. He zeros in on what’s bothering Lucas and poses another question without a question mark:
A lot of people agree with you. (Pause.) Tell me about that.
“Well, of course people agree with me. They’re angry! The guy is ruining the country. And I’ll tell you how he’s doing it …” Now Lucas is on a roll. He’s telling a story.
Angry, alienated people may believe they see and understand things that others do not. By saying, “A lot of people agree with you,” Barry offers Lucas a measure of validation. Not an endorsement of his point of view, but the recognition that Lucas has company. Barry avoids showing disapproval or disagreement. He “normalizes” the conversation, creating the appearance that he understands, along with the hint that he may even be an ally.
I hope you don’t encounter Lucas. But you can use these “questions without question marks” in almost any conversation with someone who is reluctant to speak or hesitant to provide more than a cursory response. These questions offer affirmation. They suggest the questioner is a receptive audience. They serve to promote dialogue that will lead to more entry points to explore.
Echo Questions
I use another kind of affirmation that fully embraces its question mark. I call them “echo questions.” I ask them in almost every type of interview because they are so clear and effective. They almost always prompt the interviewee to talk more and go deeper. These, too, are effective bridgebuilding questions. Echo questions enable me to use the other person’s own words for emphasis and as a follow-up question. I add inflection to suit the mood—sympathy, surprise, and humor.
Henry says, “The way they treated me just made me want to scream.”
You ask your echo question. “Scream?”
Rita says, “I don’t know why I even try anymore. They are so incompetent.”
You say, “Incompetent?”
In most cases, those one-word echo questions will lead to more detail and explanation.
Your six-year-old comes home from school with a note from the teacher saying your child swiped a banana from a classmate at lunch. You ask what happened.
“The lunch room was really noisy and Katie was being mean. So I took her banana.”
Echo question: “You took it?”
“Yes, I took it. But I didn’t steal it, I just took it. She was saying bad things about me and I didn’t like it.”
Life is simple at six. Now you have a teachable moment. You can explain that we don’t “take” things from other people’s lunch trays, even if we’re annoyed at them.
Barry teaches this technique as part of what he calls “reflective listening.” He tells his agent-students they must be fully present if they are going to catch these comments on the fly. And in threat assessment, the stakes are huge.
Back to “Lucas” and his threatening emails. He wrote, “The president is ruining the country.” Lucas says it again in his interview. Upon hearing the words, an astute agent echoes them back.
Ruining the country?
“Yes! Ruining the country. He’s letting in the wrong kind of people; they’re stealing our money and taking away our freedoms. Something’s got to be done!”
The next question acknowledges the burden of Lucas’s insight. It affirms and then echoes his last point.
This must be tough for you to live with.
Do you have ideas about what should be done?
Because the questioner is trying to determine whether Lucas is on a path to violence, this exchange could be a critical turning point in the conversation. Lucas might reveal what he’s thinks should be done, whether he knows other people who feel the same way, maybe even whether he’s prepared to take action himself.
Echo questions and reflective listening leverage the words you hear to extract more of the thinking behind them. They serve as punctuation points in questioning to seize a moment or a thought, highlight it, and invite additional detail and discussion.
Build the Bridge
Bridge-building questions work best when people are at cognitive ease and feel they have a receptive audience. You can achieve this effect with questions (with or without question marks) by making use of words or expressions you have just heard, by listening for entry points, and by careful affirmation of difficult or irrational thoughts. You build the bridge, one piece, one question at a time. You plot a deliberate, careful course, knowing that this bridge will take time to construct and that there will likely be setbacks along the way.
CHAPTER 6
FOR THE RECORD
Confrontational Questions
SOMETIMES YOU CAN’T BUILD BRIDGES. You’re not looking for empathy and you’re not looking for trust. You just need an answer. You have to hold someone’s feet to the fire, stare straight into their eyes, and ask what they knew, when they knew it, or what they did, said, or intended. You want a clear answer to a straight-up question. You need to pin down someone’s role or responsibility, complicity or culpability. You want accountability.
?
There are plenty of times when people need to be confronted and held to account. We do it with our children in order to teach them responsibility, set boundaries, and demonstrate the consequences of their actions. We want our politicians to be accountable because they hold a public trust. We think corporations should be accountable because they should do more than just make money. We hold one another to account if we think there has been wrongdoing, bad behavior, hypocrisy, or incompetence: Perhaps you suspect a colleague has been cheating on her expense accounts, the police chief may be turning a blind eye to corrupt cops, a relative is siphoning money from Aunt Sophie’s retirement account, or a partner is acting suspiciously.