The Socratic method uses questions to probe from all angles. It pokes at a basic premise or value to force critical thinking and get to the root of an idea. It often answers questions with a question in the search for knowledge or understanding. The Socratic method challenges conventional wisdom. It seeks truth and meaning and holds every answer up to the light to ask “How do we know?”
Having supper with Socrates is not for the faint of heart because Socrates was relentless. He questioned his students’ basic assumptions and the very terms of the discussion. He challenged their reasons behind their assumptions. He asked them to consider different viewpoints, then asked where those viewpoints came from and what they were based on. He took nothing for granted.
Socrates might have eagerly joined the conversation at Chris’s dinner party when it turned to the political gridlock that afflicts Washington. One guest groused about the glacial pace of government, noting that America will fall further behind if it continues to move so slowly when the world moves so fast. But then another guest observed that “slow” was baked into our system thanks to our Founding Fathers and their checks and balances. Slow protects us from the impetuous or from over-reaction. Yes, someone else said, but it also prevents us from keeping up with the competition. Then other questions followed: Does anyone really want “fast”? Is there a difference between “fast” and “efficient”? Why can’t we be efficient?
If Socrates had been there, we might still be going. Hang on, he might have said, let’s talk about “slow government.”
What do you mean by slow? According to whom? Based on what?
Can you give an example? Is that good or bad? Why? Is there a better way?
What are the pros and cons? And the consequences? Is that virtuous?
What is virtue, anyway? Better? For whom?
Why did we even ask this question in the first place?
You can see why plenty of people resented the guy, but he sure could keep a conversation going. Despite the dangers, we could invite Socrates to more of our conversations when we’re talking about the vexing issues and tough decisions we confront. We might benefit by having a host who challenges us to open our minds and question our most basic assumptions.
Asking for Laughs
Please don’t think that every time I gather with family or friends for a meal, it’s an interview or interrogation or some deep look into the chasm of the cosmic unknown. Good hosts use questions to have fun, make people laugh, or dive into the ridiculous.
Not long ago, my sister Julie and I were in California, visiting our father and stepmother, Alice. At nearly ninety, Dad still went to his office every day and to the gym twice a week. He looked great and remained eager to enjoy life. Over appetizers, Alice suggested a game my father loved. He’d ask “rating” questions like:
On a scale of one to ten, how important is it to be rich?
What are three qualities you want in a friend?
What are three fun things that matter to you?
Alice told us that she’d asked Dad that last question to figure out what to buy him for Father’s Day. His answer: money, clothes and … sex. For a moment we didn’t quite know what to say. Talking sex with my 90 year-old father was not exactly on my bucket list. Alice, always able to regale a room, leapt on the moment and told us that my father’s answers gave her all the gift inspiration she needed. She bought him an expensive shirt and fine chocolates. The designer label shirt covered her on money and clothes. The Godiva chocolate conjured up sex. Lady Godiva rode naked through the streets, after all. We howled at Alice’s literary license, recognizing that with age comes freedom to say—and buy—whatever you want.
Then she turned to us and said, “Okay, what three things matter to you?” Suddenly we headed in new directions as we listed favorite pastimes and hobbies—long walks in the woods, time on the water, and thoroughly dutiful activities like making a difference and helping others.
Godiva chocolates and sex didn’t come up again, fortunately. But having that conversation around Dad’s table, in his home of forty years, has become one of those postcard moments, when we shared a laugh and creative memories triggered by a silly question.
A Host of Questions
Whether it’s Seinfeld or Socrates joining you for dinner, you can produce an experience your guests will enjoy and remember. They’ll relish the discussion as they savor the food. Your hosting, like the meal, takes some preparation. But it’s manageable if you tackle the recipe one step at a time.
Start with the most important ingredient, the people. The friends, family, colleagues, students, acquaintances in the group may know one another or they may be strangers, so you should find out whether there are common threads and interests. When I interview, I start by asking: Who is my audience? What do they know? What don’t they know? What do they care about? What will they find interesting and funny and why? The more I understand the people in the room, the better I can steer the discussion.
Ask questions, don’t answer them. Good hosts participate in the conversation, of course. But they are principally interested in drawing out the others. Their objective is to direct the conversation not dominate it. Pay attention to who’s talking and who’s not. Direct the questions so everyone gets a chance to talk. But also recognize that some people prefer to listen, so tune in to the signals and listen closely to detect reluctance. Be respectful of the differences.
Mix it up. You can feast on serious topics or small dishes from the lighter side. You can visit a place around the corner or around the world. A good talk-show host alternates topics and moods to keep the conversation moving, varied, and interesting.
Keep watch for the land mines. In my interviews, I go looking for land mines. I like to engage debate head-on. That’s my job as a journalist. But interviewing has also taught me that good hosts go looking for buried treasure, too. That’s how I discover villages in India and my father’s fondest things. But be mindful of topics that at times are best avoided. Politics, religion, and money will inspire some but turn into disasters with others. Know the difference and navigate deliberately.
Go for meaning. Be careful here or you’ll be viewed as the humorless professor rather than the cool questioner. You can take just about any topic and look deeper without making it sound heavy or feel like work. Talking baseball? Sure, the standings matter, but on another level, how can this game possibly survive as the national pastime when it takes three hours to play nine innings and the next generation of fans has attention spans that are suited for text messages and six-second videos?
We never invoked Socrates at that dinner party at Chris Schroeder’s place. We didn’t need to. We were too busy enjoying ourselves, asking and answering entertaining questions, getting to know one another, just having a good time. And examining life along the way.
CHAPTER 12
LESSONS FOR LIFE
Legacy Questions
“SCATTER ME TO THE WIND or take me to Paris.”
That was my mother’s response when I asked her what she wanted us to do with her after she was gone. For four years she’d been battling her cancer. But when the end came, it came fast. And here we were. She was with us, talking. That’s when I broached the subject.
?
Mom had not made any plans for herself. No plot or memorial, no discussion of where or how. At the point I felt she knew what was coming and was ready for the question, I asked. What do you want us to do with your ashes? She shrugged and offered her one-liner about Paris. I can hear it as vividly today as the moment she uttered it. Mom had visited Paris as a young woman, loved it but had never returned; so it always represented a youthful adventure for her, free from the stresses of life before or after.