“Oh my God,” I mutter.
“We’ll be alright,” Ryan tells me. “Let’s start a fire and—“
“A fire? Are you crazy? It’ll call them all right to us.”
Ryan shakes his head. “We have to have a fire, Joss. We need to dry off, to warm up. It can’t be helped.”
“We’ll go over there inside that shack,” Trent says, pointing to an old security building at the entrance of the parking lot we’re standing in. “We’ll bust out the windows if they’re not already gone to let the smoke out, but the building should block most of the light from the fire.”
“Fine,” I say reluctantly, knowing they’re right. “But when we die, I want you both to remember I told you so.”
“Noted,” Ryan agrees.
Luckily the shack is a complete mess. Complete mess means things to burn. Things that have been inside and kept from most of the elements, most importantly moisture. Only one window is broken. Trent wastes no time breaking two more while Ryan and I get to work building our fire inside an old metal trash can. It’s easier than you’d think, but then again, we’ve had practice. Lots and lots of practice.
Once it’s burning in the center of the room, we huddle around it. I drape my torn, wet coat over a chair to let it dry faster. I’m shivering from head to toe so when Ryan wraps his arm around me and pulls me in close to his body, I don’t fight it. I tense and my breathing gets tight, but I try to hide it. I don’t want to hate this. I want to like it, and a big part of me really, really does but a little part of me is still afraid. Maybe it always will be.
“Why didn’t they search us for weapons when we went to see Marlow?” I ask, suddenly remembering I had meant to ask Ryan before.
He nods thoughtfully. “I wondered that too. Every time I’ve been in to see him, my weapons were taken.”
“Did they just forget?”
Ryan chuckles. “You don’t forget something like that. Not working for Marlow.”
“Not if you want to live,” Trent agrees.
“So I’m not crazy? It was weird.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“He’s going to be mad about his boat.”
“No, he won’t be, not really, but he’ll act mad,” Ryan says darkly. “He’ll use it as a way to get something from us.”
“He never meant for us to make it back alive did he?”
“I don’t know.”
“Oh come on. He sent us there in the U.S.S. Sold You Out. It couldn’t have been more obvious we were associated with The Hive and the Vashons obviously don’t like them.”
“Yeah, but why?” Ryan insists. “Why send us there to have them kill us? I think he wanted to see if it would work.”
“He wanted us to draw them out,” Trent says. “Probably take a few of their people prisoner to barter for something.”
“What though? Land? Turnips?” I ask.
“Probably guns.”
I shiver involuntarily as I remember the black barrel of Ali’s gun pointed at my face.
“Do you think that gun was loaded?” I ask quietly.
“It was,” Ryan replies softly, his grip on my upper arm tightening.
I nod, knowing he’s right. I knew it when I looked at her face. She was ready, willing and fully able to kill me on the spot. But I don’t hate her for it. I don’t blame her at all. She didn’t do it to protect her soft bed or a fluffy pillow. It wasn’t for the sake of central air or a good hot meal at the end of the day. It was for her family. For her daughter and her husband. For the people she loves.
Sitting beside this fire with Ryan’s arm around my shoulder, I can easily understand that.
“So Marlow will be mad when we get back that we lost his boat and didn’t bring him his bounty,” I surmise, “and Crenshaw will be mad that we went to The Hive first and pissed off the Vashons. The Vashons are mad at us, probably all of them want us dead because they think we brought the Colonies to their door in an ambush.”
“By now word has gotten out about what Trent and I have been up to, my fight in The Hive not sanctioned by the Hyperion, going behind the backs of our brothers. We’ll be thrown out of the gang.”
“Will they hurt you?” I ask.
Trent grins, his face lit in a macabre mask by the firelight. “They’re welcome to try.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, feeling like an asshole. I drug them into this and now their lives are ruined. “You’re both obviously welcome to come live with me in the loft.”
“Don’t worry about it, we’ll figure something out,” Ryan tells me, sounding unconcerned. It’s both a relief and a little bit painful that he doesn’t take me up on the offer.
“You two should get some sleep,” Trent says. “I’ll stay up and take first watch.”
“Are you sure, man?”
“Yeah, I got it. I’m not tired.”
“Good, cause I’m exhausted. Wake me up in a couple hours. I’ll take next shift.”
“You got it.”
“I’m not tired,” I tell them, staring into the fire. “I’ll stay up too.”
Ryan frowns at me. “Are you sure?”
I smile weakly, nodding. “Yeah, I’m sure. I need to relax a little. Come down from what’s happened tonight. You sleep, though. You have to be tired from…”
He grins. “Nearly dying.”
My smile fades. “Don’t do that again.”
“I don’t plan on it.”
“Good.”
“Thanks, by the way. To both of you.” He looks at Trent, his mouth going tight. “I’d be dead if it weren’t for you guys.”
Trent shakes his head. “We didn’t do anything you wouldn’t have done for us. It’s nothing special. Go to sleep.”
Ryan nods silently before sprawling out beside me. He’s between me and the door again, a position I’m beginning to think he’ll always take. It speaks volumes and I’m finally beginning to understand the language it’s written in. I’m not fluent yet, but I’m getting the gist of it.
It’s not long before Ryan is snoring away. I look across the fire at Trent, giving him a small smile.
“So,” I say softly, “how much trouble are you guys going to be in really?”
Trent watches me for a second, his face blank. Finally, he says, “A lot.”
I nod, hating it but knowing it’s true. I’m glad he’s willing to be real with me about it. “What can I do?”
“Nothing. What’s done is done.”
“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to do this to you both.”
“It’ll be worse for Ryan than for me. They were like a family to him. I was only there because of Ryan and Kevin.”
“How did you all end up together?”
He smirks. “How do any of us end up together?”
“You don’t want to talk about it.”
“Not any more than you do. Don’t feel bad about it, though.”
“Which part?” I chuckle unhappily.
“Any of it. I don’t mind and Ryan wouldn’t have done things any differently. If you needed his help, he was going to give it.”
I frown, shaking my head slightly. I’m too embarrassed to look him in the eyes anymore.
“I can’t understand that.”
“Are you sure?”
I shake my head again.
“How many times did you go back under the water for him? How many breathes did you give up? How many would you have given?”
All of them. Every last one of them. I never would have stopped.
I feel dizzy. Disoriented. I take several deep breathes, trying to get my bearings. Trying to find my center, my numb, but it’s been gone too long. I can’t get it back. I want to retreat into myself and hide from everything, all of it that’s not working and the things that are working too well, but I can’t. I’m in the thick of it now. I’m living life surrounded by so many more things than I realized were out there, so many more dangers than I ever dreamed of. There’s so much more to fear than just the Risen, the Colonists and the gangs. There’s so much more to gain. To lose.