“Know what …?” Why is she acting like she suddenly doesn’t know? We’ve always hated each other.
“Nothing …” I grumble.
“No, tell me.” Tricia frowns. “I want to know.”
“Well, now that this has happened, it doesn’t seem as important anymore. But … I always blamed him for my father’s death.”
Her lips part and she leans in as if she wasn’t sure she heard me correctly.
“What? Why?”
“You know what he did,” I say. “How he blurted out all that crap in front of the entire school.” I lick my lips to think about how I’m going to say it without stepping on anyone’s toes. “Dad took those pills right after that incident.”
“Oh …Right.” Tricia says. “No wonder. This explains everything.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, for years I thought you were mad at him for putting you on the spot like that at school, but I never knew you held a grudge against him for your father.” She grabs my arms. “Emily, I know you’re still hurt over your father’s death, but it’s not Chris’s fault.”
“What are you saying?” I shake my head.
She takes a deep breath. “Well, you know how your father was. He never was really happy. Not even with me. I thought I could maybe make him happy … after your mom passed away. I’m sorry; this must be difficult to talk about to you.”
“No, continue please,” I say. I need to hear it. I need her to say what she has to say, even if I might not like it.
“Well, I fell for your father because he was so kind, and I thought I could take away all the pain and hurt. I thought that I could be enough for him. But it turns out, I never was. He wasn’t happy, Emily. You know that.”
I nod slowly, trying to come to terms with that fact.
“I started dating your father because he needed me. He needed me more than anything … to keep him alive.”
My lips part, but I have no clue what to say. “What?”
“Your father was already on the brink. I’m sorry, Emily. I should’ve told you sooner, but I didn’t want you to feel bad about it. I didn’t want you to think it was your fault. I know how you must’ve felt.”
“Are you telling me that my father already wanted to … kill himself? Before all that happened?”
“Yes, unfortunately …” She lets out an exasperated sigh. “He threatened suicide multiple times. Specifically when I had doubts about our relationship. I always thought it was just his way of keeping me in his life. That he was terrified I might leave him.”
“He blackmailed you into staying?” I mutter.
“Well, I wouldn’t call it that, but … your father was just emotionally damaged. I understand. I don’t hold any grudges. And neither should you.” She looks me deep in the eyes. “Stop blaming yourself. You’re not at fault here.”
“But …” I lick my lips.
“No, I don’t want to hear it. I know I haven’t been the best stepmother in the world, but I really meant no harm. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I just didn’t want you to have to see the sad truth. But please … don’t blame Chris. Yes, your father didn’t want to live anymore, and maybe what Chris did was the catalyst, but I already saw it coming. He said it so many times that I lost track. And I kind of lost the will to take him seriously.”
I’m stunned. So stunned, I don’t even know what to say.
“I’m sorry. If you want to blame someone, then blame me,” she says. “I should’ve taken action. I should’ve done something to stop him.”
“But you couldn’t, and he isn’t here anymore,” I mumble.
“Exactly.”
I blink away the tears in my eye. “I don’t blame you. I wanted my father to be happy, and he found love with you. I just wish it would have been enough for him.”
She cups my face and caresses my cheek. “My dear Emily … I wish things had gone differently, but life isn’t always fair.”
“I know …” I gaze down at the floor.
“Please don’t be mad anymore,” she says, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “Be happy. Be yourself. Don’t hold grudges, but love unconditionally. Your father would want that. He doesn’t want you to stay mad forever. He wants you to fall in love and live your life. I know that, in my heart, he’s watching you right now.”
“Yes,” I mutter, looking up at her. “Thank you.”
I truly mean it. For the first time in my life, it feels like the huge weight that was my father’s death has finally been lifted off my shoulders. Like I’ve been set free.
“Your father would be so proud of you seeing you like this,” she says, barely able to hold back her tears.
I nod, swallowing away mine. “Yeah …”
“Let’s hope he’ll also look over Chris,” she says with a smile.
We’re connecting on a level I’ve not experienced before, but it feels good. “I’m sure he is.”
Suddenly, the doors to the waiting room open.
My heart momentarily stops beating.
It’s news about Chris.
Chapter 35
Emily
“How is he?” I ask the doctor.
“Is my son okay?” Tricia asks, too.
I want to be by his side instead of listening to the doctor. But my feet manage to stay grounded. I don’t know for how long, though.
“He’s fine.”
A burden visibly falls from our shoulders as we both breathe out a sigh of relief.
“His lower leg bone needed to be reset, but other than that, his body absorbed the blow of the accident quite well.”
“Oh, that’s good to hear. What about his leg? Can he walk?” Tricia asks.
“Not at the moment, but he will be able to in time, of course. He’ll wear a cast for now. He’ll need a wheelchair for some time, and then he’ll be able to walk with crutches. It’ll be a slow recovery, but I’m almost a hundred percent sure he’ll be back to normal in no time.”
“As normal as Chris can be,” I muse, smiling like a lunatic.
I don’t know why I’m making stupid jokes at a time like this. Maybe I’m just excited to see him again, and relieved that he isn’t dead. God, I’m so glad he isn’t dead.
“No, he’s not dead.” The doctor laughs.
“Did I say that out loud?” My face turns crimson red. “Oops.”
“No worries. You can go visit him in a few minutes. They’re taking him up to room two hundred and eight.”
“Great.” I grin. “Let’s go then.” I grab Tricia’s hand and pull Alyssa up from the chair. “Thank you!” I shout back at the doctor who’s waving at us as I drag both of the ladies through the hallway like an idiot.
I’ve never been more happy to know I’m about to see Chris.
And, oh boy … when his mother sees us together, we’ll have some explaining to do, because I won’t be holding back anymore.
As we make our way up to his room, my nerves feel like they’re on fire, and my body is jittery to the point of bouncing up and down in the elevator. Everyone’s looking at me as if I’m crazy, but I don’t care. I’m just happy I get to see his stupid smile again. Just thinking about it already gets me all cheerful.
My breathing falters as I stand in front of his door. Tricia stares at me as if I’ve completely lost it.
“Let’s go inside,” she says, grabbing the handle.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t open the door, and so she did it instead.
I was still torn about what she had just said in the hallway, and only when I stood right in front of his room number did I realize that I’d have to talk to him about it. How I’ve blamed him for my father’s death, and how he, in turn, always felt guilty about it … even though it wasn’t anyone’s fault.
In silence, I walk after Tricia into the room. Chris is lying in bed with his foot hoisted up, stuck in bandages and some weird device. His eyes are half-mast, and when he looks up at us, that stupid grin I recognize and I have learned to love comes out to play again.
“Christopher!” Tricia says.
“Hey,” he mutters.
She hugs him tight. “Oh, I’m so glad you’re all right.”
“Mom,” he gasps, groaning. “You’re crushing me.”
“Oh, sorry,” she mutters, and she gets off him.
With a tentative smile, I close the gap between the door and his bed, my heart racing in my throat. I can’t believe he’s really here right in front of me, when moments ago I thought I might lose him for good. The thought alone drove me insane, and realizing that now, I think he means more to me than I first dared to admit.