“That’s not what I was expecting,” I blurt out as her face goes twelve shades of red.
“Well, that’s it. You don’t have to say it back. I just… I wanted you to know. I’ve wanted you to know for a while, but I thought it was maybe too soon since we just started seeing each other.” I get up from the couch and walk over to her. I get down on my knees so our faces are level.
“That wasn’t what I was expecting, but I can’t deny that I’m happy to hear it,” I say. Her face falls a little bit.
“But you’re not ready to say it back. Be honest with me, Quinn.” I hate the way my fake name sounds on her lips. I want her to call me Sylas just once.
I have absolutely no control over the words that come out of my mouth. None.
“I love you, too.”
“You do?” she says, the smile on her face so brilliant it could light up a stadium.
I do?
I look into her eyes for a long, long time, barely breathing. The truth of my statement shines back out at me. If this isn’t love, then I don’t know what is. Somewhere along the line, she crawled her way into my heart and made a home there. I’d be crazy to deny it now.
“I do. I love you, Saige.” She puts her arms around my neck and holds me close. I stand and take her with me, swinging us around her living room. She laughs and holds on tight.
They say if you love something, you’re supposed to set it free. But I’ll be damned if I am going to let her go. There is no fate, because if there was, my father wouldn’t have gotten my mother murdered, I never would have grown up the way I did. There is no fate because if there was, I wouldn’t have to leave this girl that I love.
“I love you, Redhead,” I say into her ear.
“I love you, too. I’m so happy.”
“Me too.”
I decide that we need to celebrate, but instead of going out, we drink champagne naked in her bed.
“I was so scared to tell you. I know you’re gun shy when it comes to your feelings. That’s why I’ve been so crazy the last few days. This has never happened to me before. I always thought love at first sight was crap, but I swear that first time when I saw you at the café, I knew.” The first time I saw her, she had a brown wig on with colored contacts. I’ve never asked her about it, because I don’t want her to know that I was watching her. It would probably put a damper on the romantic declaration.
I’m not going to tell her who I am. I’m still going to leave. I’ve chosen my path and there’s no going back. No retracing my steps.
This is not meant to be. My luck has run out.
“What do you say you come with me to my parents’ and we tell them? I kind of like this idea of dropping a bomb on my mother every time I go over. And that will be the day after I get my tattoo finished, so it’s perfect timing.” She grins at me and I smile back, but it’s not easy.
I’ll be gone.
I’ve fallen for this girl and I have to leave her and it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But even if I stayed? It’s still not going to work out. The second she finds out I’m using her to get to her father? It’s over. Her love with burn into hate and she’ll never want to see me again.
Either way, I’m gone. I’d rather leave her like this. Knowing that she still loves me. Maybe that makes me an asshole, but so be it. Eventually she’ll get over me and be with someone else. Someone who hasn’t been lying to her from day one.
“That sounds like a great idea,” I say. It does. But it’s still not going to happen.
Saige and I make love all night. I know that’s what it is now. Sex between us has been this way for a while, but I was too pigheaded to see it. Our bodies are two instruments that play in perfect harmony with one another. She fits me, I fit her. I’ve never had a sexual encounter be so damn perfect.
I hold nothing back. I tell myself each time could be the last time and I need to give her everything because I’m never getting this back. I’ll never meet another woman like her. This is it for me. My one bright blaze of happiness and love in an otherwise grey life.
“I love you,” she says over and over. I get a thrill every time I hear it and I always say it back. I need to get it in as many times as I can. I need her to know that it’s true. That even if everything else I’ve told her about me is a lie, this is the one truth I can give her.
I wonder what her father will tell her about me after I go. If he’ll even mention me. Or if he’ll pretend I never existed. I don’t care about him, only about her.
That night I take her out to dinner, to the first restaurant where we danced. I order the same thing, we sit at the same table and we dance again to “Take Me to Church”.
“Remember the alley?” she says in my ear as we sway to the music. There are people watching, but let them stare.
“How could I forget?” I say, running my hand down her back. She laughs, a rich, lovely sound.
“I couldn’t believe you did it. I was half-teasing you, but then I saw the look in your eye and I wanted you so much I could barely stand.” The feeling was mutual. This time with Saige all feels… unreal. Like a dream. I didn’t think I could experience these emotions about someone.
Leaving her is going to hurt. Oh, it’s going to more than hurt. It’s going to rip me apart. I’ll try to stay together, but it will all be an act. Forcibly, I push those dark thoughts aside and hold onto her. I know my fingers are digging into her skin and I’m probably hurting her.
“Quinn?” she says, a question.
“I just want to hold onto you, Saige. Just let me hold you.” She nods against my chest and lets me. I close my eyes and absorb everything I can about this moment. Her warmth, her curves, her smell, the brush of her hair on my arms. The way she breathes. I need her and she’s right here with me.
The song ends and I have to make myself let go of her. I unhinge my fingers from her and step back.
“Don’t worry, be happy,” she says, reaching up and stroking the side of my face. I haven’t shaved today for her. Give her one last chance to have me the way she wants me.
“I am happy. I’m with you,” I say and we sit back down to have dessert.
She lets me have her in another alley, but this time it’s not fucking. The motions are the same, but the emotions behind it make all the difference. I worship her with my body and she does the same. Her dress gets ruined, of course, and I put my jacket over her shoulders to cover the shredded back. She leans on my shoulder and I have an insane idea.
“Will you come somewhere with me?”
“I’d go anywhere with you,” she answers.
I take her just down the street from my real apartment. I don’t tell her that I live here, I just park and help her out.
“What are we doing here?” she asks, looking around. This is a residential area, so there are no businesses.
“Let me show you,” I say, holding out my hand. She walks with me as we get toward the fence that keeps people like me out of the park.
“This is going to be a little tricky,” I say, looking at the fence. Normally it’s easy for me to scale, but I have the feeling it’s not going to be as easy for Saige, especially considering she’s wearing a dress.
“We crashing the park?” she says, her eyes glittering under the orange glow of the streetlights.
“We are indeed,” I say, leaning down and holding my hands out so she can put her foot on me as a brace.
“Psh, I got this,” she says, waving me off. After a moment of looking at the fence, she grabs hold of it and swings herself up, using the horizontal bars of the fence like steps to get herself over. She pauses at the top of the fence and then she drops down on the other side. With a smile, she straightens up and beckons me with one crooked finger.
“Come on.”
I follow her up and over and then we’re walking through the park.
“I come to this park a lot. I know it sounds creepy, but I like to look in the houses and imagine what the lives of the people are like who live in them.” We pass just outside of a square of light from someone’s kitchen window. There are white ruffled curtains that shield us from the scene inside.