CANDACE. I’m supposed to be getting married in an hour. In Omaha. I’m a desperate woman in an expensive dress. Don’t look at me like that. No sane woman would be in her dress before her wedding. I’ve been wearing this thing for six hours. I didn’t have a choice, all right?
RICARDO. It’s kind of late for a wedding, don’t you think?
CANDACE. It was my lame ass idea. A poolside midnight ceremony with candles and cucumber sandwiches and white carnations. It was supposed to be innovative and chic. None of those little cocktail weenies. Now it sounds like the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard of.
RICARDO. (To Maxine:) You said you needed to make a call?
MAXINE. Thanks. (She picks up the phone and dials:) Peter? It’s Maxine. (Beat.) No. We’re stuck because of the storm. We’re in some little town. Hold on a sec’ — (To Ricardo:) Where exactly are we?
RICARDO. Grand Island.
MAXINE. (Into the phone.) Grand Island. (Maxine’s conversation continues through the dialogue that follows; they happen simultaneously.) I didn’t realize that. (Beat.) Peter, don’t say that. We had to land in Topeka because they wouldn’t let us land in Omaha. Then the limo driver took a wrong turn and got lost. (Beat.) I have no idea. I haven’t seen any rain since we got to this God awful place. (Beat.) Peter, please don’t do that. Don’t be stupid. (Beat.) Look, I can’t talk about that right now. I will see what I can do, all right? (She hangs up.)
CANDACE. Who’s Kimberly?
RICARDO. A girl who works here. I need to go.
CANDACE. Don’t we all. (Low whisper:) Do you have a cigarette, by any chance?
RICARDO. I don’t smoke.
CANDACE. Yeah, neither do I. I was just curious if you did. (Beat.) Got any chocolate?
RICARDO. Maybe some ice cream in the back. Not sure.
CANDACE. (Desperate:) Find an excuse and I’ll go to the kitchen with you. Keep it on the down low.
RICARDO. You’re not allowed to have chocolate?
CANDACE. My husband-to-be put me on a strict diet.
MAXINE. (Joining their conversation as she has just finished her phone calclass="underline" ) Don’t give her any cigarettes, booze, or food with a lot of carbs in it. She’ll go on a binge.
RICARDO. What’s the point of living?
CANDACE. Exactly! You see, Maxine. Even this stranger thinks it’s absurd. (Waits for an explanation from Maxine; exasperated:) What did the groom say?
MAXINE. The groom said that even if they open up the roads, you’ll never make it to Omaha on time.
CANDACE. (Anxious:) What are you telling me?
MAXINE. You might be serving brunch at your wedding. Tomorrow morning.
CANDACE. I’m having a nervous breakdown.
MAXINE. Peter said not to worry about anything. He said to get a hotel room and wait until the storm passes.
CANDACE. What do I do about the limo driver? He’s charging me by the second. (Low whisper; more whining, lip-quivering self-pity:) And he hates me, Maxine.
MAXINE. I don’t know. Tell him he’s fired. He’s the one who got us lost.
CANDACE. What am I supposed to do in the morning, pull up to my wedding in a covered wagon? How did I get stuck in this place? Have you any idea how much this wedding costs? Jesus and Mary, mother of God, will someone find me a cigarette?! I am having violent impulses!
RICARDO. Then you’ll be right at home here.
CANDACE. Maxine, think of something.
MAXINE. There’s nothing we can do, Candace.
CANDACE. (Directed mostly at Ricardo:) Do you know what kind of a day I’ve had? I woke up late. My cat puked all over my shoes. My roommate decided to bring a criminal home with her last night and the guy stole her virginity (Beat.) and my laptop. The landlord forgot to inform me that they were shutting off the water in my building to do some repair work. So, I had to boil bottles of Aquafina and wash my hair in the sink. A necklace my grandmother gave me fell down the drain and is probably lying at the bottom of Lake Michigan right now. I decided to try my wedding dress on to make sure all of the alterations had been done properly. I went downstairs to ask my dope-dealing neighbor for her opinion and I got locked out of my apartment. Not one single stingy person would loan me a change of clothes or a cell phone, so I took the “L” train to Maxine’s house — in my wedding dress and my cat-puke-covered-satin-pumps. Of course Maxine had nothing in my size and for once in my life, there was no time to go shopping. So I had to spend half the day looking like Glenda the Good Witch. I didn’t get a manicure so my hands look like I’ve been clawing my way out of Attica. My hair feels like Crisco because my hairdresser decided to try a new product on me and I swear to you, it smells like furniture polish. We missed the plane from Chicago and once we finally got on a plane, they rerouted us to Topeka because of some storm but I don’t see any rain, do you?! My own mother is refusing to talk to me because I wouldn’t allow my slutty sister to be in my wedding. My father has been missing for three days and we suspect he’s joined a religious cult in Arkansas. My fiancé thinks I’m a fat cow, an alcoholic, a drug addict and a chain smoker. And right now, all I want to do is be un-conscious!
RICARDO. (After a beat:) I can top that.
CANDACE. (Accepting the challenge:) Go for it.
RICARDO. My co-worker was murdered here tonight. (Beat.) She was stabbed to death right there. Although I never told her so, she was the only woman I would’ve married. No one seems to care she’s gone, except for me. To most people she was a cold-hearted bitch (Beat.) and she was. She was just as screwed up as I am and that’s why I liked her. The woman who killed her — she was shot to death in front of the grocery store she worked in, trying to break in to return money she’d stolen. The whole thing happened over a man who is long gone and will probably never be heard from again. My sister is a vegetable, living on machines in a hospital my family can’t afford to keep her in. It’s my fault because I was driving the car and I took my eyes off of the road to tell her she was stupid and she flew, head first through the windshield. My best friend is waiting for me down at the bus station and he’s probably on the brink of suicide right now, because I was supposed to be there over a half an hour ago. I chickened out and I hate myself for it. He’s in love with me and I’m scared if I love him back, that will make me less of a man. (Beat.) I hope you’ll forgive me, princess…because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck. (He exits to the kitchen.)
CANDACE. (After a beat:) My God, Maxine, what have you gotten us into?
MAXINE. Me? What did I do?
CANDACE. You were supposed to help me with my wedding. Everything is ruined.
MAXINE. And it’s my fault?
CANDACE. Why else would I be standing at the scene of a crime? You’re always getting us into these situations. Ever since we were little. Did you hear that guy? Someone was killed here.
MAXINE. (Angry:) Yeah, I heard him.
CANDACE. And that doesn’t freak you out in the least bit?
MAXINE. Normally, I would be. But after the day I’ve had.
CANDACE. You’re not the one getting married.
MAXINE. (Hostile:) That’s right, Candace. I’m not.
CANDACE. You know what Peter is like. He’ll blame all of this on me.