MAXINE. What are you going to do?
CANDACE. I’ll tell him the truth. I’ll tell him it was your fault. You’re the one who forgot to call me this morning and wake me up.
MAXINE. I forgot to set my alarm.
CANDACE. Why were you up so late? I mean, the night before such an important day like this.
MAXINE. I was studying. I have finals next week.
CANDACE. When is this school thing of yours going to be over?
MAXINE. I graduate in June. Remember? I’m thinking about grad school.
CANDACE. Why bother? I’m so glad I’m getting married. I hate school.
MAXINE. Is that why you’re getting married?
CANDACE. What’s that supposed to mean?
MAXINE. You had straight A’s since the first grade. And you never even studied.
CANDACE. Teachers have always liked me, Maxine.
MAXINE. Yeah, but I’ve had to study my ass off.
CANDACE. Well, for a girl like you, education is probably the best choice.
MAXINE. (After a beat:) What do you mean, a girl like me?
CANDACE. You’ve never really been into guys very much.
MAXINE. Don’t you mean guys have never really been into me? Go on, Candace, say it.
CANDACE. Say what? Jesus, Maxine, I’m tired.
MAXINE. So am I. I’m tired of being your scapegoat.
CANDACE. Can we talk about this later? You need to find us a place to stay tonight.
MAXINE. Find your own place. I’m out of here.
CANDACE. Have you lost your mind?! You’re going to leave me here?
MAXINE. I don’t care if I have to hitchhike. I don’t care if I have to go down on the limo driver to bum a ride to a motel. As long as I can get away from you. Girls like me. You really are something, Candace. I bust my ass for you, day after day, year after year and you are so inconsiderate. You know something? The limo driver was right. You are a bitch. And for your information, I hate this dress.
CANDACE. I have no idea where all of this hostility is coming from, but I won’t stand for it. This is still my wedding night. You’re supposed to be my best friend and all I’m getting from you is a headache.
MAXINE. It’s always about you. Well, I’m sick of it. I’ve put up with this crap from you since I was six. I won’t take it anymore.
CANDACE. Then leave! If you can’t stand by me when I need you the most, then you aren’t the person I thought you were.
MAXINE. You don’t even love him.
CANDACE. Of course I do!
MAXINE. Well, he doesn’t love you.
CANDACE. (Beat.) No, probably not. But we’re both young and successful and we want the same thing out of life.
MAXINE. And what’s that, a marriage of convenience?
CANDACE. Like you even know anything about relationships. You haven’t had a decent boyfriend since high school and even then you managed to screw things up, Little Miss Virgin.
MAXINE. And you don’t have a bone of decency in your body. I used to think so. I used to convince myself that everything really was my fault. I was a bad friend. I was a big, fat disappointment and if I didn’t get my act together, you wouldn’t be my friend anymore. Like that was some great reward. Being your friend is like living in a cold, dark place and I hate it. I’ve lived in your shadow for as long as I can remember.
CANDACE. No one forced you to. If I make you so miserable, then why did you come? Why did you agree to be my Maid of Honor?
MAXINE. Because I wanted to stop you.
CANDACE. Stop me?
MAXINE. I made sure we missed that plane, Candace. I gave the limo driver a hundred bucks to take a wrong turn. I did it on purpose.
CANDACE. Why would you do something like that? Are you jealous, is that it?
MAXINE. You’d like to think so.
CANDACE. (A realization:) You don’t want me to get married. You’re scared that if I do, I’ll forget all about you.
MAXINE. Hardly. You couldn’t forget about me, even if you tried. Every time the smallest thing goes wrong in your life, you’re on my doorstep expecting compliments and concern. I’m all out of both. I’ve got nothing left to give to you. Except the truth.
CANDACE. Why are you doing this to me? Tonight of all nights. I’m stuck in the middle of Little House on the Scary Prairie.
MAXINE. Because girls like me can only take so much.
CANDACE. Just say what you have to say. I’d like to bring this night to an end. I’d like to figure out where I’m sleeping tonight.
MAXINE. (Beat.) I slept with him.
CANDACE. Who, the limo driver?
MAXINE. No. With Peter. Your fiancé. The groom.
CANDACE. (A nervous laugh, followed by a painful moment of truth:) You did what?
MAXINE. More than once. We’ve been having sex for two months. On his lunch breaks. In his office. At my apartment. Even in your apartment when you went on that business trip to Boston and I fed your cat for you.
CANDACE. Let me guess, the two of you are madly in love.
MAXINE. Hardly. I hate the guy. He makes me sick.
CANDACE. Then why did you do it?
MAXINE. Because I could. I finally beat you at your own game. I finally won.
CANDACE. It was never a competition, Maxine.
MAXINE. Wasn’t it?
CANDACE. It doesn’t matter, anymore. The wedding is off. You’ve made your point. You can have him. I’m not going to Omaha.
MAXINE. No, you’ll go home and you’ll cry and whine to your entourage of the subservient girls in your office. They’ll feel sorry for you and shower you with sweet words and pity.
CANDACE. Maybe I’ll surprise you. Maybe I won’t go home. Maybe I’ll run away and change my name. Join the fucking circus.
MAXINE. He had second thoughts. Cold feet. He said he didn’t have the courage to face you.
CANDACE. He always was a coward. Just like you.
MAXINE. He wanted me to be the one to tell you. To break the news to you gently.
CANDACE. Consider your job done, Maxine. Mission accomplished. You’re finished. (Beat.) You can go now.
MAXINE. And leave you here all alone with nothing?
CANDACE. I’ll survive. It’s true, Maxine. I am made of plastic. (She reaches into her bra and pulls out a credit card.)
MAXINE. By the way, Peter never wanted you to go on a diet. He drinks like a fish and he smokes pot like a fiend. The diet was my idea. To torture you. To make you suffer. In fact, Peter told me he thought you were way… too…skinny. (She exits.)
RICARDO. (After a moment, he enters from the kitchen.) You still here?
CANDACE. Afraid so.
RICARDO. Where’s your friend?
CANDACE. She wasn’t my friend. She left.
RICARDO. On the TV in the kitchen, they said the roads are open again. The storm finally passed.
CANDACE. I know you don’t know me. I mean, I don’t even know your name. But it sounds like both of us have had a real bad day.
RICARDO. Friends by circumstances?
CANDACE. Bad circumstances. (Beat.) I have nowhere to go.
RICARDO. I imagine it’s the greatest feeling in the world.
CANDACE. It is. (Beat.) I’m not a very nice person.
RICARDO. Probably not.
CANDACE. I’m rude. I’m self-centered. I manipulate people. I treat people like — I’m selfish.
RICARDO. I knew a girl like that once.
CANDACE. Oh yeah? What happened to her?
RICARDO. She said she had big plans.
CANDACE. I used to.
RICARDO. Did you and your friend have a fight?
CANDACE. You could say that. She slept with my fiancé.
RICARDO. Ouch.
CANDACE. I think I deserved it.