"I'm glad you like it," he said, grinning. "We can go over some of them if you want, practice them."
I nodded eagerly, like a child, and he laughed again.
"And last," he said, handing me a medium-size box.
"More?" I couldn't quite believe this. I was beginning to feel spoiled. Inside this box was a batik blouse in muted shades of lavender and purple and plum. It looked like a storm-shot sunset. I stared at it, touching the doth with my fingers, drinking in the colors, practically hearing the rumble of thunder and rain.
"I love it," I said, leaning over to hug him. "I love all of it. Thank you so much for this." My throat tightened with a rush of emotion. Once again I felt a sense of belonging, of pure contentment. "These are the best birthday gifts anyone has ever given me."
Cal gave me a sweet smite, and then I was in his arms and we were lying on the bed. I held his head tightly, my fingers laced through his dark hair as we kissed.
"Do you love me?" he whispered against my mouth. I nodded, overwhelmed, holding him hard against me, wanting to be closer.
The cider, the candles all around us, the slight scent of incense, the feel of his smooth skin under my hands—it was as if he were weaving a spell of love around me, making me drowsy and full of a physical longing and ache. And yet… and yet. I still held the end of a line between us. Despite my love for him, despite the dark wave of yearning he had awoken in me, I felt myself holding back.
Dimly, as we kissed, I came to the surprising realization that I wasn't quite ready to completely give myself to him. Even though we were probably muirn beatha dans, still, I wasn't ready to make love with him, to go all the way joining ourselves together physically and mentally. I didn't know the reason, but I had to trust my feelings.
"Morgan," Cal said softly. He raised up on one elbow and looked at me. He was incredibly beautiful, the most beautiful male I had ever seen. His cheeks were flushed, his mouth a dark rose color from kissing. There was no way he and Hunter could be brothers, I thought distantly end I wondered why Hunter had even popped into my thoughts. Hunter was mean and dangerous, a liar.
"Come on," Cal said, his voice husky, his hand stroking my waist through my black jumper.
"Um…"
"What's wrong?" he whispered.
I let out my breath, not knowing what to say. He draped one leg over me and pulled me closer, curling his hand around my back and snuggling. He nuzzled my neck, and his hand drifted up my waist to just below my breast. It felt incredible, and I willed myself to give in to it, to let the wash of sensation carry me to a new place. I would be seventeen tomorrow: it was time. But somehow I just couldn't….
"Morgan?" His voice sounded questioning, and my eyes flew to his. His hand stroked my hair away from my face. "I want to make love to you."
CHAPTER 19
Circle of Two
They are pushing me to join with her. And I want to do it. Goddess, how I want to do it. She is a butterfly, a flower in bloom, a dark ruby being cut from dusty stone. And I can make her better than that. I can make her catch fire, so her power illuminates all who stand near. I can teach her, I can help her reach the deep magick within. Together we will be unstoppable.
Whoever would have thought this could happen? One look at her would not have revealed the tigress waiting inside. Her love devours me, her constancy humbles me, her beauty and power make me hunger.
She will be mine. And I will be hers.
— Sgath
I stared at Cal, loving him but feeling utterly lost.
"I thought you wanted me, too,"he said quietly.
I nodded. That was true—partially, anyway. But what my brain wanted and my body wanted were two different things.
"If you're worried about birth control, I can take care of it," he said. "I wouldn't ever hurt you."
"I know." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, and I willed them to stop. I felt like a complete failure, and I didn't know why.
Cal rolled away from me, his arm resting across his forehead as he looked at me. "So what is it?" he said.
"I don't know," I whispered. "I mean, I want to, but I just can't. I don't feel ready."
He reached out his other hand and held mine, absently stroking his thumb across my palm. Finally he shifted and sat up cross-legged in front of me. I scrambled into a sitting position opposite him.
"Are you angry?" I asked him.
He smiled wryly. "I'll live. It's okay. Don't worry about it. I…" He left the sentence unfinished.
"I'm sorry," I said miserably. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
He leaned over and pushed my hair off my neck to kiss my nape gently. I shuddered at the warmth of his lips. "Nothing is wrong with you," he whispered. "We have our whole future together. There's no hurry. Whenever you're ready, I'll be here."
I swallowed, worrying that if I opened my mouth again, I would definitely start crying.
"Look, let's do a circle," he said, rubbing the tension out of my neck. "Not a circle circle, but like a joined meditation. It's another way for us to be close. Okay?"
I nodded. "Okay," I choked out.
I reached for him, and we held hands loosely, with our knees touching. Together we closed our eyes and began to systematically shut everything down: emotions, sensations, awareness of the outside world. I felt embarrassed about not wanting to sleep with him, but I deliberately released those feelings. It was almost as if I could see them falling away from me. My eyes stopped stinging: my throat relaxed.
Gradually our breathing, in sync, slowed and quieted. I had been meditating almost every day, and it was easy for me to slip into a light trance. I lost the sensation of toughing Caclass="underline" we felt joined, breathing as one, drifting as one into a place of deep peace and restfulness. It was a relief.
I became aware of the strength of Cal's mind, aligning with mine, and it was very exciting and intimate. It was amazing that we could share this, and I thought of all the nonwitches in the world who would probably never be able to achieve such closeness with their lovers. I breathed a long sigh of contentment.
In our meditation I felt Cal's thoughts; I read the intensity of his passion, felt his desire for me, and my flesh broke out in goosebumps. I felt his admiration of my strength in the craft, as well as eagerness for me to progress—to get stronger and stronger, as strong as he was. I tried to share my own thoughts with him, unsure if he was reading me as well. I expressed my desires and hopes for our future together; I tried to let waves of pure emotion convey my feelings in a way that words never could.
Eventually we drifted apart, like two leaves separating at they fell toward earth. I slipped back into myself, and we remained there for a while afterward, gazing at each other. It was the most intensely connected I had ever felt to another person. I knew it. But knowing this also made me feel vulnerable and nervous.
"Was it good for you?" I asked, trying to lighten the moment.
He smiled. "It was great for me."
I looked into his face for a while longer, allowing myself to get lost in his eyes, enjoying the silence and die glow of the candles. Dimly I became aware of the ticking of a clock nearby. I glanced at it.
"Oh my God, is it one o'clock," I gasped.
Cal looked, too, and grinned. "Hmmm. Do you have a curfew?"
I was already climbing off the bed. "Not officially," I said, searching for my shoes. "But I'm supposed to call if if I'm later than midnight. Of course, if I call now, I'll wake them up," Quickly I gathered my presents into a pile. I found Maeve's athame and put it back inside my coat. We trotted downstairs. A pang of longing welled up inside me; I wanted to stay here, in the warmth and coziness of Cal's room, with him.