"No, not really."
Chiun leaned closer. "Most of the time she just sits," he said in a hushed voice. "I would like an assignment where I might simply sit and speak with boon companions, basking in the applause of others."
"I don't think you quite grasp the complex economics here, Master Chiun. As with baseball games, The Copra Inisfree Show is sponsored by commercial firms. They pay her fabulous sums because of the audience she attracts, which in turn purchase their products."
"Then I will attract an audience!" Chiun cried. "It will be the biggest audience the world has ever seen! We will sell their products and we will all become rich men."
Smith looked to Remo helplessly.
Remo took a sip of mineral water in an effort to keep a straight face.
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"Our work is secret," Smith said stiffly. "You know that."
"But our sponsor is the greatest sponsor in the land. The President of the United States. Surely his coffers can spare a few more gold ingots."
"Please, Master of Sinanju. I have only a few minutes. We can discuss this later. After all, your current contract has nearly another year to run."
"Perhaps you are right. Excuse me while I allow myself a sip of purified water, for it is the only beverage I can afford on my present salary."
Smith sighed. When Chiun put down the glass, he resumed speaking.
"I have been reviewing CIA intercepts of message traffic out of the Soviet embassy down in Washington," he said. "The post is in an uproar. They have not heard from their agent at all."
"That means we've seen the last of the Krahseevah, right?" Remo said through a mouthful of rice.
"So it would seem. They've given up on him and recalled their charge d'affaires to Moscow. Evidently, as his case officer, he will bear the brunt of the responsibility and the punishment for what happened."
"So what did happen to the Krahseevahl Is he dead?"
"I don't really know," Smith admitted. "Going on the assumption that his nuclear constituents were being carried by electrical impulse through the phone system to my telephone, the act of unplugging it before the connection was made could have caused any number of consequences. Perhaps his atoms are still racing through the system. Perhaps they've been scattered or destroyed. When dealing with experimental technology such as this, it's impossible to say. The bottom line is that he's no longer a threat and the Soviets have lost their unrestricted access to U.S. technology. Just in time, too. They may have plundered key parts of our Stealth technology, but without sample RAM tiles
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to replicate, they might as well be trying to build an operational plane from a child's plastic model kit."
"You know, I just realized something," Remo said. "Except for the Krahseevah-and you actually took care of him-we didn't have to kill anyone this time out."
Hearing this, Chiun dropped a forkful of rice.
"Do not hold this against us, Emperor," he said loudly. "I promise you that this will never happen again. You will have bodies in plenty during our next assignment. For an assassin's worth is truly measured by the blood he spills, and I promise you that soon your swimming pool will brim with the blood of America's enemies."
"But I don't own a swimming pool," Smith protested.
"Have one built. Remo and I will supply the blood."
"Please," Smith said. "I'm just as happy that this assignment produced no unnecessary casualties. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be going."
"Let me see you to the door," Chiun said, getting up.
Smith looked at the dozen or so feet that separated him from the back door. The distance suddenly looked to be a mile long. "As you wish," he said unhappily.
Guiding Smith by the elbow, Chiun escorted him to the door.
"I have been watching these baseball games with Remo. It is always the same. Boston beats Detroit and then Detroit savagely attacks Chicago. This is exactly the kind of intercity warfare that brought down the Greek Empire. Let me suggest that Remo and I pay secret visits to the rulers of these recalcitrant city-states. We will force them to mend their ways. Perhaps in this way the union may endure another two hundred brief years and the President will be so grateful that he will offer to raise your salary, and you in turn might see fit to increase the tribute paid to my house." Chiun paused to stroke his facial hair thought-
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fully. He measured Smith's aghast expression out of the corner of his eye and went on.
"Of course, it is only a suggestion," he said dismissively. "But I know you will see the wisdom of not allowing America to tear itself apart in such an unseemly and public fashion."
Smith nodded mutely. Just two more steps ... he thought numbly. It was like walking the last mile.
"You perhaps do not realize that this baseball warfare has spread beyond your shores," Chiun went on. "The Japanese have fallen into settling their differences in this manner as well. It is a plague. But if we work together on this, we will both profit."
Remo's uncontrollable laughter followed them out into the backyard.
Epilogue
Crackle.
". . . So, Cinzia. Wanna whoosh tonight?"
"I don't crackle know. Will you respect me in the morning?"
"I don't respect you now." Crackle. Tomorrow can only be an improvement." Whoosh.
"Oh, you! You always make me laugh." Whoosh. "Sure. Dinner first?"
"How about Legal sput Seafoods? Haven't eaten there in a crackle."
"Help!"
"Hey, do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Something on the line."
"This is a crackle staticky pop line."
"No. It wasn't static. It was a strange voice. Like 'whoosh.' "
"Say again? I didn't catch that last part."
"I said, it's like we're on a party line."
"Maybe your phone's being tapped."
"No. Shhh. Listen."
"Help, help! I am trapped in telephone line. Someone help me."
"Hear it now?"
"Yeah. Funny accent pop crackle don't you think? Sounds Russian."
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"Hey, maybe it's the KGB."
"Why would they tap my line?"
"It's probably crackle a crossed wire."
"Help me. Help me. Help me."
"He sounds real unhappy."
"Get real, Cinz. It's only someone playing with their sput."
"I don't know. That's real panic in his voice."
"Oh, come on. 'Help me, I'm trapped in telephone line'? Reminds whoosh of that stupid fortune you got when I took you to the Cathay Pacific last crackle. You know, the one that said, 'Help, I'm being held prisoner in a fortune pop cookie factory.' "
"You're right. What could I be thinking of?"
"So . . . pick you up, say, sevenish?"
"Hmmm. Better make it eight. I'm going to run out and buy a new phone. This one's been acting sput a lot. As you can hear."
"Yeah. Things sure haven't been crackle since Ma Bell broke up."
Whoosh. "Tell me about it. Ciao."
The tunnel walls zoomed by. They seemed to go on forever. And all Rair Brashnikov could imagine was that this time he truly was dead. This time the dark tunnel was not a fiberoptic cable. And soon he would see the silvery light that would bring him peace.
But as he rushed along endlessly, Brashnikov felt only a wild, numbing panic. If this were truly the path to heaven, why were all the voices American?