“Neethan Jordan! Tell me about the size of your balls!” Nico says.
“Nice ink, Nico,” Neethan says, in no mood to play along. “You still molesting little Malaysian boys?”
“Neethan Jordan! When are you going to perform penetration again?”
“You’re still on the air?”
“Neethan Jordan! Please tell us when you will fuck for the world once again!”
“I’m surprised you made it to this position on the red carpet. I thought you’d be stuck with the Icelandic-language print journalists.”
“Neethan Jordan! Japan wants to know! When are you to finally decide to get your nipples pierced!”
“I still think Ted Williams had an advantage.”
“Neethan Jordan! Please say a few words about your show!”
“Stella Artaud: Newman Assassin, Season Four, is the latest in the award-winning Stella Artaud: Newman Assassin franchise. I play Dr. Uri Borden, a clone scientist who gets involved in the uprising and must decide whether to abort the messiah. It’s a thought-provoking series, featuring state-of-the-art effects and wall-to-wall action, with more than a little tenderness.”
“Neethan Jordan! Japan says keep on rocking and rolling!”
Into the camera: “And you keep rocking and rolling, too, Japan.”
Oh, Japan. Neethan imagines those humble underwater salarymen going about the business of falling in love with pieces of furniture enhanced with human-like appendages designed for stroking, in domed Tokyo beneath the sea. Watching this interview on their little TV sets while eating Philly cheesesteak sandwiches washed down with Korean malt liquor. Through his head races a montage of movie clips from Seijun Suzuki, Nobuhiko Obayashi, newsreel footage of Hiroshima, early 1980s video of teens grinding to Elvis, a vending machine that can make moral decisions, happy-go-lucky corporate towers, a bowl of steamed rice, geishas, Nobuyoshi Araki bondage stills, Hello Kitty. In short, the sum of what Neethan know about Japan. Oh yeah, and samurais.
“Next is Eric Bibble from The Exploiter entertainment news.”
Eric Bibble, young guy with a smirk, bow tie and sport coat, bad hair, off-gassing vibes of contempt, shakes Neethan’s hand like some Midwestern vice president of sales, like a man who has been told explicitly by his father to always give ’em a firm grip. “So, it’s Neethan Fucking Jordan. How’s this junket treating you?” Eric asks.
“Fantastic, Eric. I love being out here face-to-face with the swell folks of the entertainment press.”
“I understand Myra Fairbanks is claiming to be carrying your baby.”
Neethan is prepared for this. Surprised, actually, that the question hasn’t come up sooner. “Eric, I’m glad you asked. I saw the prenatal paternity report today, which indicated conclusively that I am not the father. And I just want to reiterate what I’ve been saying all along—these allegations are really unfair to Ms. Fairbanks.”
Eric’s smile slackens. “You’re not the father?”
“Nope.”
“Okay, well, I guess that’s all the questions I have.”
“Really? Don’t you want to ask about the new season of Stella Artaud: Newman Assassin?”
“Sure, okay.”
“Stella Artaud: Newman Assassin, Season Four, is the latest in the award-winning Stella Artaud: Newman Assassin franchise. I play Dr. Uri Borden, a clone scientist who gets involved in the uprising and must decide whether to abort the messiah. It’s a thought-provoking series, featuring state-of-the-art effects and wall-to-wall action, with more than a little tenderness.”
“So, you really didn’t father the child? Did you even sleep with her?”
Neethan stretches out his arms and cocks his head in a Come on! Of course I did! gesture. All this coulda seemed calculated, scripted even, because at that moment another limo pulls up and slo-mo deposits the very Myra Fairbanks under discussion on the carpet, not yet showing her pregnancy bump, wearing Nikki McGee, pivoting, blonde, pulchritudinous, a human mirror-ball reflecting supernovae of camera flashes. Myra ratchets her face into a smile, teases the preorgasmic paparazzi, blows kisses, and casts a quick, withering stab of a glare at Neethan, who stands eclipsed on the carpet. They speak to each other in a few short seconds with their eyebrows.
I didn’t think you’d show, Neethan eyebrows. I hope this means you’ve gotten over your—
Go fuck yourself. I’m doing business right now.
Hey, girl, you know if the paternity test had come back positive, I would have—
I’m getting interviewed by Geri right now. Leave me alone.
Watch out for Eric Bibble. He’s going to ask you who the father is.
His magazine’s already photographed my ovaries. I doubt they could get any more invasive.
Beth-Anne says, “Wanda Mesmer, Clothing Optional Network.”
Neethan wonders why, if clothing is optional, no one on the Clothing Optional Network ever opts to wear it. Shivering nude in the chilly Hollywood evening stands the blonde, pert-nippled hostess of one of CON’s top-rated shows, Foreign Policy for the Layman. From time to time Neethan has jacked off to it. He knows he’ll be expected to express an opinion on the Brazilian slave trade or the recent piracy off the Ivory Coast. The cameraman squats to get a from-below shot, his dong dragging on the pavement.
“I’m here with Neethan Jordan at the press event for Stella Artaud: Newman Assassin,” Wanda says. “Neethan, what do you make of General Gordon’s recent imposition of martial law and the incarceration of hundreds of Kentucky’s procloning dissidents?”
Neethan braces himself, sensitive to offending any potential Deep South Stella Artaud: Newman Assassin fans. “It’s an unfortunate situation,” he says. “I just hope both sides can come together and work things out like they did last year in Arkansas.”
“How can you call the Arkansas accord anything but an unmitigated failure? Scores dead? The formal expansion of rape prisons? Are you telling me you approve of the confederacy’s suspension of habeas corpus?”
“I’m…” Neethan starts, defaulting to his wide smile. “Look, Wanda, I understand there’s a lot of turmoil in the Deep South right now, and I truly feel for all those Neethan Fucking Jordan fans down there who are in a world of hurt. Cut. Now for the other version. Look, Wanda, I just want order restored in one of the greatest cultural regions of the world.”