I nearly jump out of my skin. It’s a dream. Flashbacks or the horrible scenes imbedded in my mind. Flashing red and white lights twirl round and round in a blizzard of haze. I’m on a stretcher, covered in a white blanket, tied down with black straps. I struggle to get free but can’t.
“Let me out. I’m not your prisoner. Let me go!” The screams coming from my vocal chords don’t sound familiar. Everything is foreign.
“It’s okay, ma’am. You’re going to be okay now. Just relax,” a woman’s soothing voice says. I don’t want anything to do with her. I need to hide from Colin. No matter what, he will come find me. Even though every part of me knows he is dead, I still know he will find me and cut me in my dreams. I thrash and almost succeed at getting free by toppling the stretcher over.
There it is. A needle pricks through my leg and suddenly, everything smooths into a flowing painting of beautiful colors. I let out another large breath and everything goes black.
***
Beep. Beep. Beep. My heart rate sounds good, but I know I look like shit. I know that because I feel like shit. Everything is wrong and I know that no medication, no surgery, no stitches, nothing will take the pain away. I will always be in this place of fear. My only question is where am I and who do I need to pretend to be now?
My eyes slowly open and I see a head of hair at my left arm. The owner of that head is holding my hand, sleeping on my arm, and holding my hand.
“Camden,” I rasp out. “Camden?”
The heart monitor starts to go crazy. He is alive and he is sitting next to me in my hospital room. Oh thank god. I burst out into a river of tears. My shoulders sagging.
His face immediately flies up and his puffy, red eyes are searching mine with love and fear. I know exactly how he feels. I’m sure I have the same look in my eyes. I am afraid this is just a dream. I’m in love with Camden and only he can bring me back to life. Only he can make me feel like the woman I want to be. Only his love will mend my broken spirit.
“Oh, baby. Baby, are you okay? Are you in any pain?” His hands fly up to the sides of my face and he strokes my cheeks with adoration. The tears continue to flow. Somehow through it all, I feel him. Every ounce of this man’s strength is seeping from his hands onto my face. Is it possible to feel love through hands, because I feel it. I feel the love he has for me just from his fingertips touching my face.
I nod my head. “I’m the best I can be because you’re here,” I cry. My whole face scrunches up and I lose it. “Oh, God, Camden. I was in hell. Oh Jesus.”
I wail and sob. I sob and stutter out words that make no sense. I see the nurses come in and out, but they don’t tear him away from me. We are holding on to one another like we are welded together. If he ever lets me go, I may not be able to stand on my own feet.
In this moment, there are no real words for what he and I have been through. We hold each other like someone is going to come in and rip us apart again. There are no actions that might come close to what we both need to show one another.
“I was so scared for you, baby,” Camden tries to begin.
I nod. “I know. I know. I thought you were dead. I went through the shooting in my head over and over again. Every time, you didn’t live and so…eventually I didn’t want to live either.”
Camden hugs me so hard I pant out that it’s too tight. He chuckles and attempts to swipe away the wetness on his face. I fall back to the pillows and remember all the damage Colin did to my body.
I try to say something. I try to explain why I won’t ever be able to be naked with him again. I briefly wonder if he might be interested in a sexual relationship again, because with all the damage done to me, I don’t know if I can be intimate with anyone ever again. But when I look at Camden, I don’t see the lust that always shines on me with his blazing heated eyes. I see a man who wants to take care of me. All of me. Everyone I have always been and anyone I ever might be.
“How did you find me?” I ask quietly.
“I think Lola will want the honors of telling you. She, Heath, and your parents are downstairs grabbing coffee.”
I look up in surprise when he says Heath’s name. And my parents. Oh god help me.
“He came back to you?” I ask. My questions about my parents saved for when I see them.
He nods vigorously and winces. “I know you two had a past and believe me, I don’t ever want to see proof of that again, but he is a good man, Luca. Someone found him on the side of the road about a mile from the farmhouse. He made them take him to the police station before anything else. Unfortunately, he passed out on the car ride and was in and out of consciousness for weeks. He still has some liver damage and he can’t feel a few of his toes due to the cold, but he survived.”
“Wow, I thought for sure he didn’t make it. When I saw him…” I swallow hard and can’t seem to catch my breath. It feels like someone is pouring air down my throat, trying to choke me.
Camden places his hand on my forearm that obviously has a deep cut under its tight bandages. “It’s okay, sweetheart. It might take a while for you to talk about it and I completely understand. I just want you home with me, so I can protect you for the rest of your life.”
My eyes begin to water again. There is so much healing for both of us to do. I swear to myself that I will protect him against my past forever. If I have to change my identity, quit my job, or move to a different continent, I won’t allow my previous life to hinder our future together. I try to relay that with my eyes. His radiant smile tells me we don’t need words right now. We don’t need anything but one another.
It feels like hours before I finally see my parents walk through the door. My mom’s hands fly to her mouth when she sees I’m awake.
“My baby.” Those beautiful words fall from her quivering lips.
“Mom.” I begin to cry. Camden backs away from me. My mom hurries to carefully cup my face. Her soothing kisses parading all over my face.
“I’ll be right outside,” Camden speaks softly, patting my dad on the shoulder.
“Dad,” I say through my tears.
“I’m so sorry.” My shoulders sag. God, how disappointed they must be in me.
“Luca, look at me, honey?” says my father, the man who, up until the day Camden came into my life again, was the only man who ever had my heart. He will always have it, no matter what my future with Camden brings.
I lift my head, tears of disappointment in myself leak and fall down my face. My mom wipes every single one of them away.
“A parent’s love for their child is unconditional, Luca. I’ve loved you since they day your mom told me she was pregnant. I will love you beyond the time I take my last breath, but if you don’t take care of that man standing outside and love him for the rest of your life, that will be the only time you will disappoint me. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I do understand. I nod my head toward my dad. I will take care of Camden and love him for the rest of my life. If my parents taught me anything it was the ability to love. I just never truly loved myself first. I don’t know if I really can, but with a man like Camden, my parents, Lola, Mitch, Leo, and Carl – all who love me by my side – all I can do is try.
“I’m so sorry.” I begin crying all over again once Heath and Camden enter my room, followed by Lola, who looks like shit. God how I wish I was in the mood to crack a joke and tell her how bad she looks, but I don’t. She’s a sight for these eyes that have seen more than I care to remember.
“Luca. Please.” Heath nudges past Camden, his eyes pleading for me not to worry or blame this on myself. It will forever be my fault. A constant rattle in my head won’t let me forget that all of this was my doing.