Of course she didn’t share this decision with anyone at work, or even her family. No one would support this selfish, private decision, and the last thing she wanted to do was end her life arguing with everyone she loved. What she told them all was that she was taking a leave of absence to research and write a book on the role of the monster in science fiction.
On her last day at work someone brought donuts, knowing her love for anything in a pink box. In the staff room everyone teased her that her “research” was going to be done on a beach in Bali. Maddy looked out the window at the falling sleet and thought maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea.
She worked the late shift, manning the reference desk on level three (health and education) until they closed at nine. It was a quiet night, and Maddy wished it wasn’t, wished it was crazy busy so she didn’t have time to think about how much she’d miss her job. All of her work had already been turned over to her replacement. She pried her prized figure of Giles, the librarian from Buffy from his place on top of her monitor and tucked him in her lunchbox. When she looked back up, Gregor Faustin was standing at her desk.
It had been three weeks since their interesting cab ride, and she never expected to see him again. A rush of adrenaline made her lightheaded, and her thoughts broke into a thousand little pieces. She grabbed a pencil to steady her hand.
“You look like shit, Faustin.” She said it in her quietest library voice.
It was all she could think of to say, and it was true. The man was haggard. He’d lost weight, and he had circles under his eyes, eyes which were an amazing blue. She realized then she’d never seen him in good light, or she would have remembered that he had eyes the color of tractor beams.
He didn’t bridle at that comment as she expected, he just nodded, and said in a tone as quiet as hers, “You look a little pale, too. Do you suffer from the same thing I do?”
What does he mean by that? Maddy tilted back in her desk chair and studied his uncharacteristically sincere expression. “I doubt it.”
Again he nodded, looking pained. He glanced over his shoulder—looking for the exit? The last thing in the world she expected him to say was, “Would you like to go out with me?”
She brought both feet down with a thud. Surprises like this were hard on the ticker. “Are you asking me out on a date?”
A brief scowl darkened his features, and she was glad to see it, because otherwise she’d think he was possessed. But he repressed it and said, “I thought maybe we could go for a drink after you get off work.”
That made no sense. What did the man want with her? Maddy didn’t believe in mincing words anymore. Well, she never had, really. But she was much worse lately. “Why in the hell would we want to do that?”
“Because we find each other so damned fascinating, that’s why.”
Ah, full-on Faustin, snarl and all. She’d missed that snarl, she realized, more than she’d imagined.
“I think you’ve confused obnoxious with fascinating, Faustin. Don’t worry, it’s a common mistake. But let me assure you, we don’t get along. That annoyance you feel right now? It’s real.”
He leaned onto her desk, eyes hooding suggestively. Suddenly he didn’t look so haggard. “But you admit we do get along very well in some ways.”
That they did. It had taken days for her to recover from that last encounter, to stop dreaming about him at night, to stop hoping that he’d show up in her room again, even though he was an asshole who’d jumped her in the cab and spurned her on the curb. She’d worn out a set of batteries in her vibrator fantasizing about that cab ride. Maybe they should have finished what they started that day. Now it was too late.
“Sorry, I’m not interested.”
“You’re lying.” He said it with complete confidence.
“You son of a bitch, you—” All of a sudden she understood. “You’ve never been turned down before, have you?”
“No.” The corners of his mouth began to twitch into a reluctant smile, and he dipped his head, almost shy. “Actually, I’ve never had to ask before.”
Maddy had to smile back. “Well, this is quite an honor, then. But the answer is still no.”
Another patron came to the desk to leaf through a binder next to them. Faustin tossed him an evil look and leaned forward even further, dropping his voice to just above audible.
“I know I’ve been an asshole, I have to apologize—”
Maddy waved her hand, “It’s not that.”
“Is it because of what you think I am?”
He put all sorts of suggestion into that question, and her ticker started to flip out. But she managed to say calmly enough, “And what exactly do you mean by that?”
“Come out with me and I’ll tell you.”
Now he was leaning way too far over her desk. People were going to notice. Maddy snapped her pencil against his knuckles and he drew back, nursing his hand.
“I guess I’ll have to live with the mystery.” Bantering was tiring. She heaved a sigh. “Look Faustin, I can’t date anyone just now. Period. No exceptions. Nothing personal.”
“Can’t?” he began, but whatever he was going to say was interrupted by Linda, one of her co-workers, coming behind the desk.
“I’m going miss you so much, sweetie,” Linda said as she gave Maddy a big squeeze.
Maddy clung to her. She’d hugged so many people that day, drawing strength from each one of them and banking it up. There would not be so many hugs around her apartment in the coming weeks.
When the woman left, Faustin was still there, squinting at her. “You’re quitting?”
“No, it’s just a long leave of absence. Research.”
“Are you going out to celebrate tonight?”
“No, I’m too tired.” That is what she had told everyone who’d offered, and it was pretty much true. Jammies and TV, that was her plan.
“Let me take you out to celebrate, just as a friend.”
Maddy laughed at the word friend.
“I’m serious.” When he wanted to, he could do sincere very well. “It won’t be a date. You don’t want to date. I got that. But I don’t think you should be alone tonight, because you’re sad.”
“I’m not sad.” She shifted her eyes toward a pile of papers on her desk.
“It’s written all over you. You’re tired and sad. Come on. It’s nothing.”
Was she that transparent? How depressing. Pretending to be busy, she bent over a pad, wrote why me?!??!? tore it off and filed it under W for a future librarian to find.
“One drink of your choice, anywhere you want, and a chauffeured ride home.”
Faustin mustered an encouraging smile, and she knew she should not even consider it, but curiosity won her over. She was wrapping things up and Gregor Faustin was a bundle of loose ends.
Still, spending any time with the man was just asking for trouble, and she mused aloud, “Strange things happen when you and me and cars mix, Faustin.”
“Not tonight.” He raised his hand and gave her the Girl Scout salute. “Scout’s honor.”
She laughed. “You were never a Boy Scout, Gregor Faustin.”
Madelena met him on the sidewalk in front of the darkened library at 9:05. Gregor got a little rush just seeing her silhouette at the door, waiting for the guard to let her out. Three weeks of creeping insanity and slow starvation had broken his resolve. Perhaps free will was not so important in the big scheme of things. Perhaps the entire concept was an illusion. Hunger made him philosophical, so he decided to compromise with fate, and find out a little more about this woman. If she really was his destiny, then they must have something in common.
A civilized drink was a start. Already she’d surprised him by being more thoughtful and sober than he remembered, and he had to admit he liked seeing that side of her.
But this “no dating” thing of hers was bullshit, unless she was taking vows. She was single, he was single, and fluids had been exchanged between them already. This was a date.
When she came out she shook her head at him, bemused, like she didn’t expect he’d be there. In her beret and heavy-rimmed glasses she looked like a beatnik, except the beret was purple. And had a big, glittering butterfly pinned to it. He repressed a shudder. Her woolen peacoat, though, was not bad. Not sexy, but not offensive.