In truth, Peinhaupt had entirely different reasons for a vasectomy-four, in fact, very good and very expensive reasons. Because one thing you can’t forget: as a young investigator with only a few years of service behind him, he was just scraping by, netting two thousand euros, and then the bonus pay on top of it, i.e., danger, weekends, nights. And an unplanned child would have him paying roughly 340 euros. That had Peinhaupt calculating everything all over again while he was lying there on the operating table, waiting for the procedure. Because you’re going to have some doubts in a situation like this. Now, he didn’t jump up and run, but he did calculate the approximate price of his four children. Because it varies, depending on the age.
First for little Sandra he paid 320 euros, to the hairstylist in the Salzgries district who always said she had an IUD when the detective came by on his beat, and then one day that IUD was called Sandra. And for Benjamin it was also 320, but only for one more year, because he was already in kindergarten, and even though his mother was a kindergarten teacher, lowering the alimony didn’t figure into the calculation, so it was the full 320 for little Benjamin. At the time, Peinhaupt had sworn Benjamin and not another one after him, magic of the name Benjamin, as it were. Then came the twins, 360 euros each, because no group discount for twins, and so you come to exactly 340 euros times four, Peinhaupt calculated, as he slowly began to wonder why they’d left him waiting so long on the operating table. It’s not exactly comfortable, either: first they get you to lie down-no one wants to lie there so exposed on the table-and then they disappear and leave you all alone. Please.
Four times 340 is 1,360, Peinhaupt calculated, which, subtracted from his net pay, left him with not even 700 euros. He would barely be getting by if it wasn’t for the money he got paid under the table for serving court summonses. For the anesthesiologist’s part, he could now take his time, because at 1,360, all doubt had been removed. He asked himself where the doctors had been this whole time. They finished prepping him for the procedure a few minutes ago, and then the light in the operating room went out. A minute later it came back on, but still no one had turned up. It occurred to him that he might have been lying under this harsh light for half an hour already waiting for the surgery, without a doctor anywhere in sight. Is it possible they put me under already? Maybe I only dreamed that the lights went out briefly while they were prepping me, and the emergency generator started up. Typical operation dream. You should know that Peinhaupt had declined the local anesthetic, and the Frau Doctor had said she suspected as much-fearful of even minor procedures, men tend to ask for general anesthesia. It’s not possible that the surgical team got scared off just because the power went out, Peinhaupt thought, it’s all just a hysterical dream, and I’m already long under. And it’s just my unconsciousness protesting against my most important body part’s vitality getting snuffed out, hence the dream that the light went out.
Suddenly Peinhaupt felt certain that everything must already be over. That he was just waking up in post-op, i.e., after a lucid nightmare. Because nothing else was possible, every other explanation was unthinkable. Peinhaupt could have been persuaded that it was the blade of the scalpel that was for holding and the handle for making the incision. The anesthesiologist must have really numbed him into a nightmare! This just can’t be real, Peinhaupt decided.
Watch closely, Peinhaupt’s lying there on the operating table nicely prepped like an inverse Adam, where the fig leaf is draped over his whole body except for where the fig leaf would cover Adam, when finally the door swings open, but it’s not the anesthesiologist who opens the door, and it’s not the urologist who comes in after him.
“Hey, Peinhaupt!”
And it wasn’t even Frau Doctor Kressdorf who yelled out in shock, “Hey, Peinhaupt!” Whether you believe it or not. His two ex-colleagues Sykora and Zand. Zand, Erich! And Sykora! His old patrol buddies, walking through the door, completely dumbfounded and gawking at the exposed patient on the operating table, and they don’t even laugh. In fact, Zand, Erich and Sykora seem petrified until Zand, Erich finally says, “Hey, Peinhaupt, what are you doing here?!”
CHAPTER 3
In retrospect, those seemed like the good old days to Frau Doctor Kressdorf. Like a carefree paradise. When she was still capable of getting worked up over a power outage or a water pipe breaking. When she still believed that a flooded clinic was reason enough to call the police. Or when a couple of cameras in the lobby had her running straight to the newspapers. And when, even in the middle of the power outage, it still occurred to her to call her driver before he got to Kitzbuhel so he could relay everything to her husband.
She couldn’t have known that her driver wasn’t even on the autobahn yet. Only in hindsight did she realize that, at the exact time of the power outage, Herr Simon was still standing in the gas station convenience mart and having a quick double espresso.
Two gas station drunks were hanging out there, too, but Herr Simon, only coffee. Because first of all, as a chauffeur, no alcohol, and second of all, it didn’t agree with the pills. Interesting, though. Since he’d stopped drinking alcohol, coffee had become all the more important to Herr Simon. He never would have dreamed of being called that back when he was still on the police force. But Kressdorf and the Frau Doctor and everyone at the clinic referred to him that way, a service name, as it were.
Now don’t go thinking that it bothered him, because: best job he’d had his whole life. Kressdorf’s chauffeur, always meeting interesting people, you get the idea. Congressman Stachl, for example, who was just on the gas station’s TV, on account of the morning news. Guaranteed that the gas station attendant and the two drunks didn’t know him. The fatter of the two only laughed at the congressman’s first name, because Aurelius Stachl, the fat drunk said, a name like that’s its own punishment. But he definitely wouldn’t have thought that Herr Simon might know Stachl personally. And not just know him, but know things about him. And he was overjoyed for Helena that her father had been given a chance with MegaLand because-college tuition, you can’t start thinking too early about that, and you can’t leave it all up to the Frau Doctor either. And one thing you can’t forget. The clinic still wasn’t completely out of debt, on account of the investments and the expenditures-don’t even ask.
Nothing on the docket now except getting Helena to Kitzbuhel. A glorious, sunny morning it was, and with his heart beating all the better from the espresso, he took those few steps from the gas station to the car with real attitude, like you might say, life: perfectly okay. When you think about what he was like a year ago, you’ve really got to say, hats off to the pills.