John DeChancie
Bride of the Castle
This book is dedicated to the Greenleafs-
Bill, Donna, Tiffany, and Amber
(who is reading this now, all grown up)
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
O Wedding Guest! This soul hath been
Alone on a wide, wide sea:
So lonely 'twas, that God himself Scarce seemed there to be.
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
CHAPTER ONE
In a far-off land, in another time and in another world, dim and distant, there stood a mighty castle. A vast bulk bestriding a high escarpment; its cyclopean walls surmounted by cloud-piercing towers, this formidable stronghold commanded a view of bleak plains and distant snowcapped mountains.
The king, dressed in formal robes of state and wearing a crown of electrum, sat in a high-ceilinged chamber in one of the castle's loftiest towers.
He was pissed off.
"Hell of a way to run a castle!"
"Pardon, sire? To what do you refer?"
His Serene and Transcendent Majesty jabbed a finger at the pile of loose paper on his desk. "This flummery. Didn't I computerize this operation?"
"Sire, some of your subjects do not have computers. In fact, in most of the realms in which you reign-"
"Never mind, I know, I know. Low-tech, most of them."
"Correct, sire."
The master of Castle Perilous breathed a heavy sigh. "We're really behind in our paperwork, aren't we, Tremaine?"
"Yes, sire. Very much in arrears."
"I suppose I should get to work and clear some of this away. What's this, for instance?"
"The castle's tribute to the Empire of the East."
The king's dark eyebrows shot up. "What? We're still paying them tribute, after they invaded us?"
"Well, you signed a peace treaty after the failed investment of the` castle, on terms favorable to us. But the agreement did continue our vassalage to the Empire."
"Okay, but why should we pay them anything?"
"The sum is but a token, sire."
The king examined the form. "The bottom line here is something more than a token."
"Well, the tribute is based on gross revenue, not on net."
"A swindle. You know what I have to say to the Eastern Empire?"
"What, sire?"
"Vafangul!"
"I'm not familiar with the idiom, sire."
"No, you wouldn't be. I learned that from a buddy of mine in Brooklyn. You've never even heard of Brooklyn, have you?"
Tremaine thought about it, then shook his head. "I cannot say that the name rings a bell."
"No matter. Anyway, I think it's time to inform the Empire where they can hide their tribute."
"But, sire, the political repercussions-"
"To hell with the- No, wait a minute. They want a token? Very well, send them a falcon. One falcon."
"Yes, sire."
"Not a live one, mind you. A statuette of one."
"Statuette. Yes, sire."
"Cast in lead."
"Lead?"
"Lead, covered with a thin coat of black enamel."
"As you wish, sire."
The king crumpled the form into a ball, swung in his swivel chair and pitched the ball toward a wastebasket. Arching nicely, it dropped right in.
"That's a good deuce!"
"Very nice shot, sire."
"Thank you. What's next?"
"This loan petition, sire, wants your signature."
The king was alarmed. "Another loan to cover yet another operating deficit?"
"Unfortunately, sire."
"We're in the red for another quarter? I don't believe it."
"The Exchequer's report is in front of you, sire."
"What? Oh."
The king studied the Exchequer's report. "We're spending too much!"
"Yes, sire, but expenses keep rising."
"Do they ever drop?" came the king's rueful and rhetorical question. "I suppose I have no choice. Otherwise we won't be able to make our. payroll."
"Unfortunately true, sire. Once again we must supplicate the moneylenders."
"Damn it, why do we need money, anyway? This castle runs on magic."
"Magic costs money, sire."
"You're right," the king said resignedly. Taking up a quill, he scrawled his signature on the loan petition.
"We simply have to make some spending cuts around here," the king commanded.
"Aye, we must, sire."
"Luxuries are out! Everybody has to pull in the belt!"
"Yes, sire."
"Think we could get away with charging the Guests room and board?"
"Most of them have no source of income, sire."
"Of course they don't. They sit around all day, eating my food."
"But if they left the castle every day to work, sire, it might-"
"Oh, hell, never mind. I wouldn't think of charging them room and board. What am I thinking of? None asked to come here, and most can't find their way back."
"You are a most gracious host, Majesty."
"Well, we're just going to have to raise quitrents."
Tremaine took a long breath. He cleared his throat. "Sire," he began.
His Serene and Transcendent Majesty raised a hand. "Don't say it. It's politically impossible. Gods damn it all, am I an absolute monarch or am I not an absolute monarch?"
"You, sire, are the absolutest monarch of them all."
"You bet your sweet ass I am. All right, then why can't I- What fresh hell is this, now?"
Tremaine turned toward the commotion, which was not really a commotion, just a group of people coming through the double doors of the great office.
"— and these are the Royal Chambers, the executive offices of the castle. If you'll step right through here, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and lords-"
The king threw down his quill. "What the blue blazes is going on?"
Tremaine said, "I'll see, sire."
The leader of the group was about to go on with his spiel, but espying Tremaine's approach, he stopped. Then he saw the king.
"Oh! Your Majesty! I thought office hours ended at five of the clock. We did not mean to intrude."
"Thank you for visiting us, my ladies, my lords," Tremaine said, approaching the group. "His Serene Majesty bids you welcome. However, there is much pressing business of state today. As you can see, we are working after hours. If it is not too much trouble, His Majesty requests that you look once around; and then leave."
"He is handsome, isn't he?" said one coiffed dame to another.
"For as old as he is," was the second dame's opinion.
"Ye gods," the king muttered.
The tour group took its time leaving.
"By your leave, sire!" the tour guide said as he backed out.
The doors swung shut.
The king was glaring at Tremaine.
"Sire, I believe you authorized these guided tours last quarter to raise additional revenue."
His Majesty scowled. "Pfui. I did no such thing."
"I believe you did, sire. Yes, I am almost sure of it. In fact, I quite remember looking over the signed edict."
"But I-"
"Yes, I'm quite sure you authorized the guided tours, sire."
The King of the Realms Perilous got up slowly. "I need a vacation."
"Sire, you just returned from a long journey."
"I'm going back, pronto. First, though, I'm going to hire me some help."
"Oh?"
The king walked to the center of the room, stopped, then took two steps to the right and one back, as if sensing some optimal position. Satisfied as to his whereabouts, he began to make motions, tracing the air with his fingers. He sketched whorls and arabesques, circles and oblongs. Then he turned three times around while uttering a series of phrases in a language unfamiliar to his amanuensis.