Lindsay shook his head. „Why does he even use the cane?“ he said as he came to her door.
„I told you before, Aunt Louise is a loving mother, but much too protective of him. And he is a loving son who wishes to make his mother happy.“
„No wonder he prefers the army.“
„No mothers there?“
The major nodded with a smile. She loved that smile, the way it made her feel that her words were an echo of his thoughts. Grace took a deep breath. „My maid is off tonight. Would you help with my stays?“
His smile vanished. „You want me to come into your bedroom?“ He spoke the words slowly, as though he did not quite understand the concept.
„Yes, please. I hardly want to unlace them in the hall.“ When he said nothing she stepped back into her room, leaving the door open. She was terrified, but reminded herself that all she had asked for was help with her stays. No more.
He came in behind her and stood by the door. „Are there not other maids?“
Grace did not answer him, only walked back to the door and closed it. „Shall I wake them?“
When he did not answer, she turned her back so that he could begin to undo the buttons of her dress. It took an interminable amount of time, the silence complete save only for the sound of their breathing. His was a little ragged, and she almost told him to leave and that she would wait for her aunt.
Then her dress was loosed and she let it slide down her arms so he could easily reach the corset laces. She could feel the tips of his fingers as they worked the silk strings, each touch making her want more. It took him a moment to realize that he must undo them completely for her to remove the garment.
The last of the laces slipped through the holes and Lindsay grasped her shoulders and turned her to him. „God, Grace, what kind of test is this?“
„Test?“ she whispered even as his mouth silenced hers with a desperate kiss.
At first the embrace was arousing, she half undressed, he fully clothed. It was like the conqueror demanding his prize. His touch reached into her with such power that she almost let him have his way, let him take her as though there was nothing more between them than lust. But there was something here beyond the anticipated pleasure. She could feel it in the way his arms held her, the way his body pressed hers. This was as much about anger as it was about sex.
„Stop, David,“ she whispered in his ear, not afraid, not yet; she would only be afraid if he did not stop. „Please, stop, David,“ she whispered again, near heartbroken for him.
He pulled away from her with a frustrated groan that held the echo of his rage. He did not let her go. Instead he leaned his forehead on hers and they stood together, until his breathing steadied, his bruising hold the only sign that he was still angry. „Angry“ is too gentle a word, she thought, infuriated, disgusted.
She leaned back, and his grip eased. „I am so sorry, David. Sorry for teasing you when I did not mean to. I truly did not intend that at all. Kitty did have the evening off. But I did not quite know how to tell you that we would be undisturbed.“
He said nothing. That was his way, she realized, when he was trying not to say something that would hurt her. He was such a gentleman. Most of the time.
He stepped away from her. „Good night then, my lady.“
She nodded, trying to decide whether to speak or not. Either way it would change them forever. If she held silent he would never be more than an employee. Or she could share more of herself than she ever had with any man. She had to decide in the time it took for him to walk to the door.
His hand was on the latch before she spoke.
„I understand, you know.“ She pulled the shell of her dress over her nakedness.
With the door opened a crack, he turned back to her. „I think not, my lady.“
„Then you must think again.“ She paused, trying for a practical tone, failing completely. „I understand exactly how it feels to be wanted only for your body. How humiliating it is, how used you feel.“
The space of the room was between them, but she had his attention. „It was that way for most of my marriage. Oh, at first I could pretend that Anderson felt some regard for me. But I should have known better when he never once considered my – “ Grace stopped herself. That was entirely too personal.
„For him sex was all about creating an heir. And in mat I proved to be a disappointment. He married me for a son, because his father insisted it was time for him to get an heir.“
„He did not care a whit that I enjoyed the theater, disliked eating before noon and the very idea of boxing. He only cared that I was young enough to bear a dozen children. But in ten years of marriage I had only four pregnancies, and all of them ended in miscarriage.“
„Stop, Grace.“ He closed the door and moved back into the room. „You do not have to relive that life.“
She looked away from his sympathy. It was not what she wanted. „No, I will tell you. I suppose it is like reliving a battle you would as soon forget, but I owe you this much, so that you can understand.“
„Understand what? That you have lived through your own hell?“
„No, why I hired you. Why I never want to marry again. Why, until I met you, even the thought of a lover was distasteful.“
He came closer, and it made it more difficult to speak. She could feel his distress. His now mixed with hers.
„I knew what my duty was, and he was never cruel. But it was as though I was a broodmare and of no other value. There was not a person at Beauville that did not know and did not measure my worth by my failure. No matter that I visited the sick or learned the servants’ names. Because there was no heir I lost their respect.“
„Oh, David, I know how awful it can be, but now I see that there is a big difference between knowing and understanding. I am sorry, sorry from the deepest part of my heart.“ She wanted to turn away, to recoup some of her detachment, to, quite literally, put some distance between them, but she would not allow herself even that small comfort.
„He was a fool.“
„He was a man.“ No sooner had she spoken than she realized the insult. She opened her mouth to take the words back and realized David was smiling. He lowered his head and raised his hand to hide his amusement and took a long moment to recover himself. When he looked up all humor was gone, his expression loving and filled with anguish.
„Do not apologize, Grace.“ He came closer and took her hands, kissing each one as he had once before. „I want to thank you. You have given me so much. Much more than money. You have shown me that there is a place for me in a world without war. That what so many died for was worth preserving, even for a silly fop like Fetters, but especially for women like you, your aunt and the dozens of others I have met these last four months.“
„You make it sound as though I considered you some sort of charity. David, you are the best friend I have ever had. It was hardly a burden sharing the Season with you.“ Why did this sound like a farewell? Something in his expression, his tone, his words? All of them, she realized.
„There is one thing more we can share.“ He pulled her into his arms. He slipped her dress from her shoulder and pressed a kiss there. „And Grace, I have no desire for an heir. There is not money to leave one, after all, and my life is full enough without one.“
„I did not hire you to be my lover,“ she said.
He gave her a look that challenged her claim, and she let him slip the dress down farther.
„Though, David, I must admit that I lost sight of that the first time you kissed me.“
He kissed the spot that he had uncovered. „A dangerous admission, Grace.“
She smiled and bobbed her head.
„Very dangerous when you are mostly disrobed.“ He took her in his arms and kissed her lightly.