It was an invitation, and she accepted it. In moments she was dressed only in her chemise and stockings. She stayed his hand and played his valet, helping him out of his coat and then going to work on the buttons of his shirt.
He took her hands from his shirtfront. „Now is not the time to be a lady, my darling. This is not about a dozen fine buttons.“ He made quick work of the shirt, as she did her stockings.
She was sure she blushed when he drew the chemise over her head, but then it was about touching, feeling his skin against hers, his heart thundering, hers answering. There was nothing familiar about this. And Grace knew that love and lust made this as different from what she had known before as the difference between homespun and silk.
They were both experienced in the mechanics, but both novices when it came to love. It was exquisite and basic, torture and pleasure and finally release and a sunburst of pleasure that bound them, eclipsing all other experience.
She must have fallen asleep, though not for so long that she woke up disoriented. She knew exactly where she was and who she was with. She turned her head to look at him. He was deeply asleep, as though the act had exhausted him, exhausted more than his body. Her own felt well used, not hurt at all but as though she had not done this in a long time. One husband and one lover in fourteen years was hardly excess.
Lying next to him was as lovely as the pleasure he had shown her. Feeling safe, secure. And more than that. Feeling a oneness with him, as though the places where they touched now – along the leg, at the shoulder – made them one. Even with only his deep, exhausted breaths beside her, she felt the union.
David Lindsay was everything she could want in a lover. In a companion.
But perhaps not in a husband. Not that his poverty mattered. She was wealthy enough for two.
No, she would not marry him because once she did, he would be the one in charge. She would be the one who must make him happy, who must obey his wishes and subdue her own. She liked her life as it was. If there were a chance for children she might think differently, but she was realist enough to know that there was little hope of that. One husband was enough. A lifetime of lovers would be far more satisfying.
At this moment, though, she could not imagine that lifetime filled with anyone but him.
She smiled, and then her eyes filled with tears. Oh dear. She had not done this since childhood. Felt so much happiness that tears slid down her cheeks. This was different, completely different from heartbreak. This was the heart overflowing with joy.
When had those happy tears stopped? Sometime after her marriage. Never once had she felt this with her husband. But then they had never made love. Despite the fact David was being paid, this was a more personal, intimate act than she had ever shared with her husband. She edged closer to his side and touched her lips to his shoulder.
Fourteen
Lindsay opened his eyes, instantly alert.
„Is that something you learned in the army? To come awake so quickly?“
He did not answer her, but stared at her as if trying to absorb every detail of her beside him. The silence drew out and Grace’s own smile faded when he did not return it.
„This is the end, Grace.“
„What do you mean? Was it that awful? I thought you found as much fulfillment as I did.“ She knew she was blushing, and knew why. Being naked together had been perfect until he had spoken. Now it felt all wrong.
„It was…“ He bit off whatever he was going to say, and the tenderness that went with it. „It was very satisfying.“
‘„Very satisfying’?“ It might have moved her heaven and earth but his was still solidly in place. She made to turn away from him, angry and chagrined both.
He pulled her back to him and kissed her. „I lied. It was wonderful.“ He kissed her again, this time longer and with rising passion. „You are the answer to my dreams. You are everything a man could want. I could love you again now, tonight and for a hundred years and it would not be enough.“ He kissed her one more time, lightly, and even though it was a bare touch of the lips she felt it in the deepest part of her, which still echoed with pleasure. He pulled the coverlet over her and sat up on the edge of her bed. „But this is the end, my lady.“
He looked at her even as he pulled his clothes from the floor and began to dress. „You must know that I can no longer accept money from you, work for you – not when it comes to this.“
„To what?“ She did not mean to sound confused, but had he not just said that he wanted her?
„Do you now see that I am no better than a well-paid whore? Or perhaps a courtesan, as you once said.“
She was at a loss for words, her happy tears evaporating.
„It is more than my self-worth can tolerate. It would be different if I had sold my commission and could come to you with some money of my own. But that has not happened; God only knows if it ever will. It is one thing for society to think we are lovers – I have no control over what others think. But now it is the truth.“
„But it happens. We could name many couples so engaged.“
„But how many men are paid for their night’s work, Grace?“
She shook her head, knowing any answer would be the wrong one.
„Put yourself in my place. Tell me, how would you feel?“
She had deliberately avoided the thought.
„It is degrading. And I will have no more of it. I needed employment and so I accepted what you offered. But no need is worth this compromise of my honor.“
„Then we can go back to the way we were before. Friends.“
„Yes, I can see from your expression that you know as well as I do that is impossible.“ He came to her and pulled her from the bed and kissed her ruthlessly. The kiss trapped them both. She could feel his arousal and her own hunger. He stopped the kiss and pushed her away, none too gently. „This will always be there between us.“
He returned to his shirt buttons and then reached for his cravat.
„I will not let you go.“
He whirled back to her with his jacket in hand. „You have no choice in this. I am no longer your employee. You may command, but I am no longer compelled to obey.“ He had his jacket on, was across the room and out the door before she could think of any argument that might sway him.
She lay back down on a bed that was too big and cold without him, to a world that was made too small without him to laugh with. She moved over to feel the linen that still held his warmth, and the tears that trickled out of her eyes were not from an excess of happiness.
He had not been thinking with his brain but with his body, and, oh yes, his heart. No matter why he had made love to her, he could not go back. If he did he would have to live with the gradual destruction of his honor. And it was the only thing he had left. For she had surely taken all of his heart, and part of his soul.
The sounds of her pleasure, the look of complete surprise, had touched his heart as surely as it had aroused his body. Grace Anderson had never known the pleasure of sex before. Married for ten years and like a virgin for all that. And the pleasure had not been one-sided. Her wonder had made him feel powerful. She might have been the one paying for services, but he had been the one in command. He had shown her how fine it could be, and had proved the same to himself.
God help him, his heart ached as though he had taken a blow to the chest. His mind was a muddle of memories he wanted to relive and banish at the same time. If only he could sell his commission. It was the last bit of magic he would ever ask for.
Grace could not sleep. It was possible that she could never sleep in this bed again. She got up, found a robe and went to the window to draw the curtains, then began to pick up the clothes they had let fall. How she wished she could do this night over. This whole Season. How she wished she had never offered Lindsay employment.