She dropped her clothes on the chair in her dressing room and pulled out her oldest, most comfortable nightgown.
Would she have met him someplace else? Would he have asked her to dance? Could they have reached her bedroom some other way that would not have wounded him so?
She sank into the chair at her dressing table and pulled the last of the pins from her hair, combing it out as she had every night for at least fifteen years. The rhythmic strokes often allowed a contemplation where truth revealed itself. It did not fail her tonight.
She was in love with David Lindsay. Not the man who wore a uniform with pride and a medal as a tribute. Not the man who was always a gentleman. She was in love with the man who had shown her passion. Tonight had been the culmination, but there was more to the passion they shared than sex. He had made her laugh, encouraged her anger, made her feel in ways she’d thought long lost.
She turned from her seat to face the door, seeing him as he said her name that one last time, stone-faced and in control. She knew she would not see him again.
Something lying on the red carpet caught her eye. At the edge of the chair where David had carelessly tossed his uniform, she saw a coin. She bent to pick it up. Certainly it belonged to him, for it was not a coin she recognized. Something foreign, with English on one side.
It was hers now. One little bit of him to keep. She squeezed her eyes shut. Where had her pride gone? She was a mature woman, not greatly experienced, but one who knew the ways of the world.
Yes, she knew the ways of society, but she wanted so much more, had always wanted more. Oh how she wished that he could love her in return. She wished it as much as she wished for children.
Even as she thought how foolish it was to make wishes, when none had ever been granted, the coin warmed her hand. How odd, she thought. She studied it more carefully. It was bright and shiny, as though well cared for despite the slight dent, and she wondered if it was some kind of talisman for him.
Had it saved his life? Would David worry when he found it missing?
George would give it to him if she asked. Yes, that is what she would do. She could not trust herself to see him again and not beg for his attention. She owed his honor and her own better than that.
From her point of view love might make all things allowable, but for David Lindsay honor outweighed every other consideration. She would respect that. She would, even if it broke her heart.
Fifteen
He did not want to come back to the house on Norfolk Street, but it would have been insulting to ignore Car-dovan’s request. Coward that he was, Lindsay waited until he saw Grace and her aunt leave in the carriage, then trusted they would be gone long enough for him to complete his business with George and depart before they returned.
Petkin met him at the door with a smile. „Ah, Major, you have only just missed her ladyship. She and Mrs. Car-dovan have gone to the milliner’s.“
„Thank you, Petkin, but 1 am come to see Captain Car-dovan today.“
Petkin took his hat and gloves with an apology for the mistake and went off to see if the captain was available.
Cardovan came back with Petkin. Walking without his cane, looking amazingly fit. There was an air about him, a resolve that gave him the authority he had lost after the misfortune at Ostend.
„Major, come in. I did not expect you so quickly.“
Cardovan led him into the library, a room David would have as soon avoided. It reminded him too forcefully of Grace. If he was honest with himself, everything about the place reminded him of Grace, from the bright front door to the whimsical unicorn on the weather vane four floors above them. He should have suggested they meet elsewhere.
He was so lost in thought that he missed the first of Car-dovan’s words. But he could not help but be brought to the moment when Cardovan finished with „… that I might buy your commission.“
He must have looked as shocked as he felt, for Cardovan’s confidence faded. „It’s the real reason I was so pleased by the colonel’s visit. He came to see if I was ready to rejoin the regiment. He was actually the one who suggested I consider your commission. Can you believe that?“
Of course he could. But Cardovan gave him no time to comment.
„Even though I missed the whole of the Waterloo campaign, he still wants me with the 28th. He was afraid I was aiming for another regiment. He said that I am the captain he most wants to move up. He says he wants someone who is equal to the challenge of replacing you – not that I think I can.“ Cardovan reddened a little. „There are two captains senior to me; one is selling out and the other Wendle does not want as a major.“
Cardovan paused, and Lindsay grabbed the chance to speak. „That is by all means wonderful, George.“
„Then you are sure that you will not regret it?“
Cardovan looked as though it was the height of folly to give up a commission.
„Yes, I’m sure, George. I have responsibilities here now, and ten years in uniform is as much as I wish to test fate.“
„I’m not finished. It’s because I missed Waterloo.“ He stopped a moment and considered before he spoke. „Do you think Boney will give us another chance?“
„Pray God, not.“
Cardovan nodded and shrugged away his disappointment. One thing they both knew is that there would always be wars.
„I hesitated because I know my mother wants me here with her. But, Lindsay, I cannot live my life because some woman wants me to be safe, even if it is my mother. I hate it here. I want the army life. That’s all there is to it.“
„I understand completely. But have you told her yet?“
„No.“ He was smart enough to look slightly worried at the prospect. „I wanted to be sure this was not some fantastic dream.“
„The colonel wants you. You hardly need my blessing.“
„But I want it, sir. You have been my model for as long as we have served together. Even as an ensign I knew you were the best the 28th had to name.“
It appeared as if Cardovan was ready to list his virtues, and Lindsay raised his hand. „Enough, George. The commission is yours and I thank you for the consideration.“
As Cardovan chattered on about the new uniform he was to order from Westin and who was the best boot maker, Lindsay realized that this was the George Cardovan he had known in the Peninsula. The man who had spent the last two years in London was a pale imitation. Surely even his mother could see that he was meant for the military life.
They had not been together twenty minutes when he heard voices in the hall.
„I will not be a minute, Aunt. Come into the library while I send Petkin for George.“
Suddenly Mrs. Cardovan and Grace were in the room. Grace stopped short when she saw him, George’s mother’s expression was guarded, but she greeted him with her usual good humor.
Lindsay could see that the impetuous George Cardovan was fully restored. He took his mother’s arm. „Come with me, Mama. I must speak with you immediately.“
„That would be rude, George. You have a guest.“
„Now, Mother.“
Lindsay smiled, Cardovan already sounded as though he was in command, and if he could make his mother obey him then the men of the 28th would be child’s play.
„Grace and the major are quite capable of finding something to talk about.“
With a glance over her shoulder, Mrs. Cardovan allowed herself to be led from the room.
Grace remained near the door, staring at him, still as a statue. Lindsay walked toward her, and his movement seemed to awaken her. She did not approach him but went to the mantel.
„I believe you left this here.“
She handed him Poppy’s coin and he took it, their hands barely touching.
„Ah, thank you, Grace. I would be lost without Poppy’s magic coin.“