She looked at her brother, and told him her news before she even said hello to him. “I broke up with Mike. He cheated on me with Donna.” She still hadn't said a word about it to her mother. She shared her sorrows with everyone but her. Even the next-door neighbor had heard it first.
“That sucks,” Jason said sympathetically. “He's a jerk. She'll dump him in a week.”
“I don't want him back after that,” she said, and talked to him about it while he ate. They were all in the kitchen together, but Tanya felt left out. She felt like an invisible person in her family now, whereas before everything had revolved around her. They had all needed her. And now they had learned too well to manage without her. She felt utterly useless, except to open a can of chili for her son and heat it on the stove. Other than that she served no useful purpose. She glanced over at Jason, and he was talking to Peter about his ranking on the tennis team, between bulletins from Megan about her love life. No one was talking to Tanya. She felt as though she didn't exist. Without even intending to, in most cases, they had shut her out.
She sat down at the kitchen table with them, and entered their conversations where she could. Eventually, Jason got up and put his dishes in the dishwasher. He left the kitchen with the girls, all three of them talking animatedly about ten things at once. They were a lively group. And then he glanced over his shoulder and called back to his mother.
“Thanks for the chili, Mom.”
“Anytime,” she called back, and looked over at Peter, still sitting there and watching her.
“You're so much more efficient than I am. I make a mess of the kitchen every night.” He smiled at her, happy to have her home. It had been a long two weeks since he'd seen her last. But he knew how crazy it was for her on the set.
“It feels so good to be home,” she said, smiling at him. “And weird, too,” she admitted. “I feel like the kids don't even know who I am anymore. I know it's stupid, but it really bothers me that Megan tells Alice all about her love life, and she doesn't say a word to me. She used to tell me everything.”
“She will again when you come home. They know you're busy, Tan. They don't want to bother you. You're making a movie. Alice has nothing else to do and she's right here. The gallery is fun for her, but it doesn't take up a lot of her time. She misses her kids, so she loves spending time with ours.”
“I feel like I've been fired,” she said sadly, as they walked slowly upstairs to their room. They could hear Jason and the girls in his room, laughing and talking. He had put his music on. The house had come alive again.
“You haven't been fired,” Peter said gently as they closed their door. “You're just on leave. That's different. When you come home, they'll be all over you again. As much as they will with anyone now. They're all growing up.” It was true, and that depressed her, too. She was suffering from empty-nest syndrome, and the worst of it was that she had left the nest first, or before the girls anyway. It defied the natural order of things. It was no wonder Megan resented her. Tanya didn't blame her a bit, and felt overwhelmed with guilt.
“I feel like such a lousy mother. Particularly with her leaning on Alice.”
“She's a nice woman, Tan. She won't give her bad advice.”
“I know that. That's not the point. The point is that I'm her mother, Alice isn't. I think Megan has forgotten that.”
“No, she hasn't. She just needs someone to talk to around here. A woman. She doesn't talk to me about that stuff either.”
“She could call me on my cell phone any time. Molly does. So do you.”
“Give her a chance, Tan. She took it harder than the rest of us when you left. She's forgiven you. She just got out of the habit of talking to you.” Tanya nodded. It was true. And it hurt like hell to hear the truth.
She felt like she had lost one of her kids. Molly had never wavered, and Jason still called her every few days to chat, when he had nothing better to do, or needed advice about school. In some ways, he was closer to her than to Peter. But Megan had disassociated herself from her mother almost completely. Tanya couldn't help wondering if the rift between them would ever repair. All she was good for now was to introduce her to movie stars. Other than that, she had almost no relationship with her daughter. Tanya couldn't believe how much it hurt. A lot. More than that. She felt as though she had lost a leg or an arm. And it had to be painful for Megan, too. She didn't even know how to broach the subject with her. Peter said to just give it time. But Tanya wasn't convinced that was the solution. She had lost her daughter to Alice. It wasn't Alice's fault, or even Megan's, it was her own.
“Try not to let it upset you,” Peter told her kindly. “I think it will get better when you come home.”
“That's months from now,” Tanya said, looking depressed. “They've almost finished their college applications, and I wasn't even here to help them.” She sounded mournful, and felt guilty yet again. She felt as though she were missing everything important. Romances, breakups, college applications, colds, and all the daily details of their lives that they now shared with Alice and Peter and rarely with her. It bothered her even more than she had feared it would.
“I've been working on their applications with them,” Peter reassured her, “for the past two weekends. And I know Alice has, too. I think they're planning to finish them over Christmas vacation. You can give them a hand then, or some advice about their essays. But I think they're in good shape.”
“Is there anything Alice doesn't do?” Tanya snapped, feeling grumpy, as Peter met her eyes. The separation was hard on all of them. They had known it would be from the start. It was just harder to live with than any of them had expected. Tanya had been afraid of this, that it would impact her relationship with her children, or with him. At least so far it hadn't with Peter, or even Molly. Megan was a direct casualty of the movie her mother was making. Tanya was afraid Megan would never forgive her.
“It's not Alice's fault,” Peter chided her gently, as Tanya sat down on their bed with a sigh.
“I know it's not. I'm just frustrated. And I feel guilty. It's my fault, not anyone else's. Thanks for letting me whine.” He was always a good sport, about everything. She knew just how lucky she was to have him. She never took him for granted. If it weren't for him, her Hollywood odyssey wouldn't have been possible at all, although she realized now that she was sorry she had done it. It was possible that the price tag was going to be too high, if it cost her her relationship with even one of her children. But it was too late to turn back now. They just had to go forward and make the best of it.
“You can whine to me anytime.” Peter smiled at her, and sat down on the bed next to her to give her a hug. “What time are you getting up to cook the turkey?”
“Five o'clock,” she said, sounding tired. She had been getting up earlier than that some days to be on the set, or staying up later. It was a crazy process and an insane way to live. She could see too why few people in the industry had healthy relationships or sound marriages. The lifestyle was just too strange, and precluded any kind of normalcy. And the temptations surrounding it were enormous. She had already seen several romances start on the set, even among people who were married to others. It was as though the people working on the movie forgot all other ties except to those they were working with at the time. It really was like setting sail on a cruise, or a trip to another planet. The only people who seemed to be real to them were those they saw every day. They forgot everything and everyone else, and lived in the tiny microcosm of their movie set. It hadn't happened to Tanya, and she knew it wouldn't, but she was fascinated, and somewhat horrified watching them.