And your device works… how?
The key is it's designed to block out the loneliness waves. It goes right to the source. Others have missed that. It's subtle.
How many ergs are we talking about here?
Thirty-five hundred. But that's not the breakthrough. The breakthrough is it all comes down to… You listening?
We all are.
If it's broken, dude, fix it. And if you can't fix it… make it SPIN.
You're off the air with Jolly Roger. Speak and we shall listen.
You know how you hate men, but you love ‘em, too?
They're bastards, honey.
They can't help it. All that testosterone. All that meanness living in their fucking bloodstream. But those beautiful blue eyes, too, you know? Jesus. They can burn right through a goddamn iron-plated heart.
Where are you hailing from this night-morning?
Minneapolis.
It's later than you think out there, huh? Can you see the red sun beginning to rise outside your window? The first dog walkers hitting the streets even as we speak? Sanitation trucks… Street cleaners…
They fucking treat you like mold spores.
We're back to those Beelzebubs in guy-clothing?
They cheat on you with your best friends. Rob shit out of your drawers. Steal food and beer from the fridge. Tell you shit you want so bad to believe you say what the hell and so you do.
Even though you don't, not for a second…
You see the news last night?
Do you know what Lord Northcliffe once said about that illustrious subject? The news, said he, is what somebody else wants to suppress. All the rest is advertising.
I've been counting.
Have you?
In the last twenty-four hours alone? Some asshole torches his girlfriend's house with three kids where they're sleeping cuz she'd told him to go fuck himself. In a park in Laredo, eight teenagers rape this middle-aged chick out for a jog just to see what it feels like. In Hoboken, this housewife gets beaten to shit for telling her old man Jon Bon Jovi is drop-dead gorgeous. See what I'm saying? The news ain't the news no more.
It isn't?
It's a fucking Rolodex of assaults by men against women. That's what it is. A-and before any of you women haters out there start ranting about how many men get abused by women, or how many women off their children? Don't even fucking bother. Cuz the ones who get pissed off? The ones who go on and on about how they'd never hurt a fly and all that shit? We ALL know better. You fuckers do exactly shit to stop other men from harming women. A-and you wanna know something? I'll always fucking HATE you. I fucking hate you today. I'll fucking hate you tomorrow. I'll fucking hate you the year after that.
And love us, too, right?
Fucking A, man. I've got a knife. I'll use it.
Glad to hear it, honey. We love you, too. Sleep well for me tonight, okay? May your dreams fill the room you inhabit.
From the area code, I'm guessing you're coming to us straight from the rotten core of the Big Apple.
You're the best, Jolly Roger. My name's Mike.
Flattery will get you everywhere, Mike. Or at least another two minutes of airtime in the netherglobe. What wisdom would you like to impart to us fellow Morlocks traveling side-by-side with you in the great time machine called Mother Earth this afternoon?
I've been thinking about how they're all like totally Iraqed.
Who's that, Mike?
The kids? In malls? You know, with their lip rings and tongue studs and way they laugh at you by not laughing? You can see it in their eyes.
Not sure I'm quite following you here, Mike…
They don't wanna do ratshit, ayte? Look at them irises. Fuckers go on and on about dismantling the system and burning The Man and blowing up their high schools and whatever, ayte? Only what they really want? What they really want is to sit around on their fucking asses all day watching SpongeBob SquarePants and snarfing cheesy poofs.
Why do you think that is, Mike?
This ain't THINKING, Jolly. This is KNOWING. I've got one word for you.
One word?
Hormone deficit. Know what I'm saying?
Help me out here.
Them birds in Lake Ontario?
…?
All of a sudden one day they can't find no more mates, ayte? So the females? They start going gay. You hear about that?
I haven't.
Shit, man. They start nesting with these other female birds, taking turns tending their infertile eggs. F that S. Know what I'm saying? Or them other birds? Cormordants? They got beaks so fucking twisted they can't eat nothing. Six-legged frogs. Two-headed turtles. And that place in Florida? The one with all them alligators with dicks too small to fuck with? Tell me that ain't like totally fucked up.
That's totally fucked up, Mike.
So here's what I want to know, ayte? Who gives a shit about like global warming and whatever when your dick's too small to fuck with?
Good point.
Lemme ask you something. How many sperm you think your average guy's supposed to got in an average-sized sackload?
I'm just a lowly podcaster.
Used to be close to a hundred million per milliliter. Word.
Used to be?
Couple years ago? These scientists? They studied like men from all around the world, and you know what they find?
…?
They find sperm counts've fallen by half in the last fifty years, ayte? HALF. You got yourself spunk levels that low, you'd be watching SpongeBob SquarePants and snarfing cheesy poofs, too. Know what I'm saying?
You serious about all this stuff, Mike?
Alphabetical pollutants. PCBs. DDT. Plastics. Cosmetics. Paints. Detergents. They mimic the effects of female hormones, ayte? Screw with your reproductive and nervous and immune systems. Which we're all going gay, man. Put that together with them tainted flu vaccines and you've got yourself a regular apopaclypse.
Tainted flu vaccines?
There's this like bacteria? Serratia. Same shit the government released from this ship off San Francisco in the fifties to test whether an enemy could launch a biological attack from a distance, ayte? Whole lots of them vaccines contaminated with it.
The U.S. government, Mike? Aren't they supposed to be on our side?
Only they thought it was like this harmless microbe at the time, ayte? Turns out it causes this avalanche of bad juju. Everything from heart-valve infections to peptic shock. Know what I'm saying? You want one word for it? Chinese toothpaste. You think you're being careful? You think you're doing all you can?
I'm not sure I do.
Cuz walk around with fucking plastic bags over your hands, ayte? You're still hosed. Cuz you want a hint? The prognosis is always fatal.
In cases of ingesting Chinese toothpaste and lead paint on kids' toys, you're saying?
In cases of being alive, man.
Um, Jesus. Wow. Thanks for the reminder, Mike. We can never hear that shadowy tune enough. Duck and cover, you're saying.
Word, man. Word…
Welcome to lucky episode thirteen of my own little pirate podcast coming to you semi-live and completely indirect every week from a different corner of the godforsaken Salton Sea, deadest body of saline solution on the deadest stretch of southwestern desert you'll ever want to forget.